


Expectations

by lightingbug



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Not Canon Compliant, Wish Fulfillment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:42:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 64,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25490320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightingbug/pseuds/lightingbug
Summary: Leaving the Fireflies after so many years of relative safety, you find yourself stuck between actually living life and finding love and the expectations that go along with it.
Relationships: Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Female Character(s), Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader
Comments: 111
Kudos: 348





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic will be my attempt at re-writing Joel's story in The Last of Us Part Two, pure wish fulfillment. I will be writing it from a reader/insert perspective as well as Joel's, in the style of a romance novel. This fic is me indulging myself if you enjoyed The Last of Us Part Two, good for you. 
> 
> What I hope to convey in this fic: sexual tension, angst, decent smut, some drama, a sprinkle of suspense, fluffiness, mutual pining, thickheadedness, a little struggle, love triumphing over fear, hopefully, a believable plot, and lots of love for Joel.
> 
> To enjoy this fic you must: not expect perfection, have the ability to excuse grammatical errors, posses a willing suspension of disbelief, enjoy Joel.

2028 / Eastern Colorado

You took a breath and then released it slowly, through the scope you had acquired the target. The inevitability no longer bothered you. It was the wait that was the hardest. Sitting in the crotch of a tree, 30 feet off the ground, you’d been observing the three men for five minutes before one became visibly agitated. They all wore Fedra uniforms and armor, but you knew two were Fireflies, and if they got any closer, you would take the shot. Luckily, a tree branch had borne the weight of your rifle, and you could watch as the scene unfolded without tiring your arms out.

A flash of metal in the distance caught your eye. You adjusted the nose of your rifle to its location. Your finger hovered gently over the trigger.

With the crack of the rifle, you knew you’d hit your target. You quickly returned your focus to the three men and saw there would be no need for a second shot. The two Fireflies had used the distraction to their advantage, the Fedra soldier in a heap on the ground.

By the time you finally get the all-clear, the sun is nearly touching the mountains to the west. It takes you some time to make your way down the tree, your rifle at your back. When your feet touch the ground, you find a man standing nearby waiting. 

You recognized him as one of the men from the earlier incident with Fedra. No longer in a Fedra uniform, instead he's wearing Firefly fatigues, you note he’s younger than you had thought, his dirty blonde hair hung loosely around his ears.

“You Birdy?” he asked with a noticeable southern drawl.

“That’s what they call me,” you replied, adjusting the rifle on your shoulder.

He looked up at the tree you just climbed down from and then back to you. “‘Cause you spend time in trees?” He had an amused expression on his face. You’d seen him around the compound in passing, knew he was liked by most. 

“Something like that.”

He then extended his hand to you. “Name’s Tommy. Wanted to thank you for the assist early.”

You take his hand, and he gives it a firm shake.

There’s a pause as Tommy looks past your shoulder, pondering something before speaking again. His expression turned somber. “Wish things could have gone differently.”

You’re not sure what he’s going on about, so you shrug your shoulder nonchalantly. “Just doing my job.”

Tommy’s eyes met yours, and he held your gaze. After a long moment, you started to feel a little uncomfortable before he finally looked away. “Right. Well, thanks all the same.”

Was he disappointed? 

You didn’t say anything as he turned and walked away, leaving you standing there a little confused.

***

It wasn’t that you didn’t believe in the cause; it just wasn’t your main driving force. You were in a bad place when the Fireflies had recruited you all those years ago, your faith in Fedra was non-existent, and the Fireflies were willing to take you in and train you. Before the outbreak you’d never touched a gun, now you were a crack shot sniper, with the ability to get into high places where you were most useful. The focus it took to be the best had been good for you mentally, but after all the years, all the kills, you’d just become apathetic to everything around you. When the Fireflies had asked you to play a more prominent role in Pittsburgh, you’d moved on to Denver.

You had stopped using your name years ago, and the people in your orbit now only knew you as Birdy, a name given to you shortly after you started showcasing your skills as a sniper. 

Sitting atop the north wall of the Firefly compound, the quiet of the night had given you time to reflect, which you didn’t appreciate since the image of Tommy’s disappointed face kept coming back to you. 

You were slowly scanning the wall through the scope of your rifle when you noticed a shake of a tree. Adjusting the scope’s range, you caught two figures on the inside of the wall in a thicket of bushes. 

You made a flimsy excuse to your guard partner. There was no reason for him not to accept it, so he shrugged his shoulder, and you left without raising any suspicion.

You weren’t sure what made you sneak along with the shadows of the wall, or what your plan would be once you confronted them. You just had this stupid curiosity, and perhaps it was that earlier interaction with Tommy, you needed an answer. 

The two men were so focused on removing the boards from a hole in the wall that they didn’t notice you approach until you were practically on top of them.

The snap of a branch under your boot had you immediately raising your rifle to your shoulder as the two men turned around, surprise on their faces. “What the fuck?” you muttered, confirming it was Tommy that you had seen, but next to him, you were surprised by the older man you knew as Eugene.

Neither of the men drew their weapons. Instead, Tommy’s hands went up. There was a tense moment before Tommy took one step toward you. Eugene remained behind him, unmoving. 

You lifted the front of the rifle slightly, indicating he should stop. He got your meaning.

“Birdy, let me explain.”

“Seems pretty plain to me,” you said evenly. “The two of you headed to Fedra?”

“No, ain’t nothing like that.” Tommy lowered his hands. “Look, they know we’re leaving.” 

You looked at Eugene, actually surprised that the older man would be here with Tommy. The two of you had traveled out from Pittsburgh together, you knew him well enough to know he’d never join Fedra, or betray the Fireflies, but maybe more had changed than you realized.

“You too, Eugene?”

“Birdy, it’s the truth, hear him out,” Eugene said. “What’s happening with the Fireflies, not what I signed up for, it’s fucked up what they’re having us do.”

You can see the conflict in the man’s eyes. There’s a part of you that knows what Eugene is talking about, but you survived because that’s just how it had worked out, not because you sought it, or sought something better.

“Don’t you ever question anything?” You looked back at Tommy, and again you’re reminded of the past. He’s unsure if you planned to make this easy or hard.

You hadn’t questioned anything until recently, but you weren’t going to admit that to him.

“So why not walk out the front door?”

Tommy sighed. “I guess I didn’t want to be talked out of it, okay?”

You took a breath, looked up at the dark sky as if searching for divine intervention, then back at Tommy. “Okay,” you said finally, lowering your rifle before flinging it behind your shoulder. 

Tommy was puzzled by your sudden submission.

“That it?”

“No,” you said, walking past him. “I’m coming too.”

***

“He’s sleeping.”

You nudged Tommy in the chest with your elbow. “No, he’s not.”

Tommy’s hand glided up along your hip before dipping to the front of your jeans. His fingers began working the front open as he nipped your ear, his breath warm against your skin. His drawl is thick and husky. “He is.”

Another day had passed, another 15 miles separated the three of you from the Firefly base in eastern Colorado.

When you had decided to join Tommy and Eugene, there had been no expectations. It had been a spontaneous decision on your part. The two men, while surprised, didn’t argue, they seemed more amused by your sudden decision, Eugene even going so far as to give you a bear hug. Tommy had filled you in on their destination, a rumor of a settlement in Wyoming. 

So far, the days had been uneventful. Only a few times, you’d run into infected, some stragglers, or those left in homes that had been untouched by looters. Though your destination didn’t matter, the freedom of being out in the world did. You were feeling a lightness you hadn’t felt in a long time. Tommy and Eugene turned out to be easy company, and after a few days, Tommy found his way closer to you, and you found yourself not discouraging him. 

Eugene hadn’t been completely oblivious and laughed the first time you and Tommy returned to camp after “scouting” for supplies. 

Usually, you all were able to find some kind of shelter for the night, but tonight was one of the rare nights out in the wilderness. Eugene laid out across his bedroll on one side of the dying campfire, a light snore emanating from him, while you and Tommy spooned on the opposite side.

It was a clear night, and the stars filled the sky. You loved looking at the milky way on nights like this. 

Your head cradled against Tommy’s shoulder as his fingers moved beneath your underwear, finding your folds, he began to caress you intimately. You closed your eyes, waiting for the tension to build, it doesn’t take long. No longer caring if Eugene was awake or not, you wriggled your ass against Tommy’s erection. He licked at a sensitive spot on your neck, and you squirmed with sensation. When Tommy’s thumb brushed over your sensitive nub, you pushed against his fingers, his other hand wrapping around to cover your mouth as you cried out.

You hear Tommy softly chuckle as you’re catching your breath, not finished, as he places kisses against your neck, his hand moved around to cup your bottom. He eased down your jeans, while his other hand worked the front of his own. With your help, you both managed to get your jeans down to your thighs. His hand roamed back up to grasp your bottom, rubbing it lightly before spreading you as he notched his cock at your entrance. You’re so slick, the head of his erection glides in smoothly. The man liked to take his time, moving in and out of you slowly. It isn’t long before you’re feeling the build up again. Tommy gripped your hip as his other hand finds your clit, working you until you've found it once more, squeezing around him, sending him following quickly after.

“Jesus,” he muttered into your hair, his hands moving up to squeeze your breasts as his climax subsided.

Tommy pulled out, and you readjusted your jeans before snuggling back against him, finding the crook where his shoulder and arm met. Sated and relaxed, falling asleep under the stars.

***

Standing at the edge of the valley, after nearly a month, you couldn’t rid yourself of the dread that overcame you at seeing the small town. Tommy’s rumor had turned out to be true. It didn’t look to be much, but it seemed to be a start. 

“Hope they’re friendly,” you said, voicing your concern.

“Only one way to find out,” Eugene replied as he started down the hill, his head of curly, greying hair bouncing around his shoulders.

Tommy grabbed your hand. “Didn’t think we’d make it, or didn’t think it’d be real, not sure which,” he admitted. “I got a good feeling about this, Birdy. I think we can start something here, you ready?”

No. You most definitely were not ready.


	2. Chapter 2

2034 / Jackson County

Another week was over, and another Friday had come around. Sitting at your regular spot at the back of the multi-use room at the community center, you had your bingo card on the table in front of you, your dinner half-eaten next to that. It was how you’d spent every Friday night for the past three years since Stewart Cameron had started bingo night in Jackson.

It wasn’t a particularly popular activity, but that had been the appeal. Tommy and Eugene had pushed you to be more social, and this had been the compromise, though they didn’t view it as much of one since you still spent the time sitting by yourself in a corner. Eugene had tried joining you in the beginning until he admitted defeat by boredom. 

It wasn’t that the people around Jackson didn’t know who you were; you just didn’t go out of your way to improve their opinions of you. You did your part, you were a valuable asset to Jackson’s defenses, being sociable just ranked low on your priorities list.

Taking a glance around the room, you note tonight’s bingo attendance seemed particularly low. Stewart called out a number. You looked down at your card and marked it off.

The sound of the door opening caught your attention, and you watched as Tommy walked in, followed by a man and a young girl you hadn’t seen before. By the way Tommy motioned with his arms he looked to be giving a tour. 

More newcomers to Jackson.

In the last two years, Jackson’s population had doubled. The completion of the wall had been a big draw to those looking for a place to settle after so many QZ’s had closed or been overrun. Now with the hydroelectric dam providing power, they’d probably be getting even more. It also raised the chances of attack by bandits. You’d been on patrol during the last attack at the dam, lessons learned, now patrols were more often, the benefit to welcoming new people in. 

Another number is called out. You marked your card, and when you looked up again, you saw Tommy making his way toward you.

“Birdy, funny finding you here,” he said with cynical amusement. He motioned toward the man behind him. “I want you to meet my brother, Joel.”

For a moment, you’re taken back by Tommy’s words. Unsure what to say, you stand up.

Joel extended his hand. “Don’t get up on our account,” he said, his voice deeper and rougher than Tommy’s but with a similar drawl. 

His evenly tanned hand is big and surprisingly warm as his long, calloused fingers wrapped around your smaller hand. You matched his firm grip, following it with a confident shake before pulling your hand away. Suddenly your palm felt damp. You fought the urge to wipe it against your leg. Instead, you looked toward the girl standing next to Joel.

“Oh, and this here’s Ellie,” Tommy added with a warm smile.

“Hi,” you offered, the young girl returned a short, “Hello,” before sitting down at the table.

You turned back to Tommy and Joel. “I didn’t know your brother was still alive, Tommy,” you said and then wished you hadn’t. 

“Joel was out here some months back during that attack on the dam,” Tommy offered as an explanation before he leveled his gaze at you. “You know if you talked to people you might have heard about it.”

You had heard Tommy had gotten some help from a mystery man. You just hadn’t known it had been his brother. 

“Right,” you said, ignoring Tommy’s accusatory tone, turning to Joel instead and giving him a once over. He was just as good looking as Tommy, but you sensed Joel was a little more broody than his brother. “You two don’t look much like brothers. You must be the older one?” This is your failed attempt at small talk. Tommy shook his head slightly, a smirk on his face. You instantly feel like an idiot, but what you said was true. The two men standing side by side couldn’t be any more different, Tommy with his light locks compared to his brother with his hair short and dark, Tommy leaner where Joel was broader.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Joel said, his mouth held in a grim line, but you saw the humor dancing in his eyes.

You were struck by how lovely his eyes were, and while you stared at them, you wondered why he was being stingy with his smile. 

As if hearing your thoughts, the corner of his mouth lifted, and his hazel eyes crinkled at the edges. Warmth filled your cheeks as you realized you’d been staring too long. You quickly reminded yourself that he was Tommy’s brother, and Tommy was standing right there. 

You shook your head slightly, and it was as if a part of your mind was waking from a deep sleep. “You plan to stay in Jackson?” You mentally congratulated yourself on asking a reasonable question.

Joel glanced at Tommy and then back to you. “Ah, seems that way.”

“Shit!”

You all turned to look at the girl. She’s looking at you, her green eyes wide. For a moment, you think she saw everything, and your heart jumped in your chest. 

She’s holding up the bingo card and waving it at you. “You fucking got it!”

It took you a moment to process that she was talking about bingo. While you all had been talking, the bingo game had apparently continued. You gave her a shaky smile, “Well, what are you waiting for,” you managed to say. You look around and see that everyone is now turned in your direction, looking at you expectantly. You encourage her with your hands, “you gotta yell bingo.”

You watched as the girl turned and looked toward the front of the room, making eye contact with Stewart before she yelled out, “Bingo!”

***

Joel hadn’t slept all that well. It wasn’t the bed, which was the nicest thing he’d slept on in perhaps years. He’d woken up several times during the night. The last time being especially hard since he’d woken up thinking he was in his old house in Texas with Sarah in the next room. That had taken the breath out of him, and he had laid awake for a good hour after. 

When the light started to fill his room, he figured it was as good a time to get up and start the day. 

He’d been surprised by the size of the house when Tommy had first shown it to him and Ellie. Tommy had assured him all the houses were of similar size, and unless he wanted him and Ellie living in the motel, it would have to do. 

The thought of settling in one place still unnerved him a bit. He thought about going back to Boston but quickly reasoned there was nothing for him there anymore, and besides, he’d told Ellie they’d try and make this work.

Joel entered the kitchen and took it in. There was decent counter space, a nice island in the middle of the room that looked to be in good shape, plenty of light, a dinette table with two chairs situated in front of a window. 

Joel walked up to the refrigerator. Cool air hit him as he opened the door. He shook his head in mild disbelief before closing the door. 

“Well shit,” he said, spotting a coffee maker pushed in the corner next to the fridge. Joel’s anticipation rose as he reached for the canister sitting next to the machine.

He opened it to find it empty. “Damn,” he muttered. Guess Tommy couldn’t be expected to provide everything he thought. He lifted the ceramic jar to his nose and took a whiff.

“Joel?”

Joel turned around to see Ellie standing in the doorway, still wearing her clothes from the day before, her red-brown hair pulled up in her signature ponytail. 

He’d have to find her some actual sleeping clothes. 

“Morning, kiddo,” he said, putting the canister back down on the counter. “Sleep okay?”

Ellie shrugged. “Alright.”

He watched her as she moved away from the door over to the dinette, sliding into one of the chairs. 

“So,” he said as he began looking through the cupboards. “You hungry?”

“I could eat.”

Joel sighed. Ellie’s indifference was starting to get to him. He’d thought things had been settled, but apparently they hadn’t been, and he didn’t want to go over it again. He figured time is what she needed, and to adjust to this new way of living. That’s what he told himself.

Her face from the night before flashed in his mind, that easily excited girl he had grown fond of yelling bingo in that nearly empty room. He chuckled at the memory.

“What’s so funny?” she asked with hardly any emotion.

“Ah,” Joel quickly opened another cupboard and found some canned food. He grabbed a can before turning around to face her. “Canned peaches,” he said, holding it up for her examination. “Breakfast of champions.”

Ellie smirked. He’d take it.

Joel had found a can opener in one of the drawers, along with some forks. They sat at the table facing one another, each with a can of open peaches in front of them.

Ellie looked away from the window she’d been staring out of for the last five minutes. “So,” she began, her fork scraping the inside of the can.

“So,” Joel repeated, taking another mouthful of peaches.

“I was thinking maybe I could have my own place.”

Joel’s chest tightened as he slowly put down his fork. She didn’t want to live with him.

“There’s a room in the back,” she continued motioning with her chin toward the window and the backyard beyond it.

Joel turned and looked out the window. “You mean the garage?”

“Um, yeah. I just thought it might be nice to have a place of my own.”

“Ellie…”

“It’s just the backyard, Joel.” He heard the pleading in her voice. “It’ll be good for me,” she said, her voice going soft as she looked away, her eyes going down to the table, “...for us.”

Joel closed his eyes. He didn’t have any right to tell her no, hell, she didn’t even have to ask him. If she got the gumption she could go to Tommy and Maria and ask them to find another place, he knew that.

He took a slow breath. “Alright. Let’s take a look at it, get it fixed-up right for you.”

Ellie looked up at him, her green eyes bright with emotion but still more serious than he liked them to be. “You mean it?”

Joel arched a brow at her, trying for his most stern face. “Now, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

“Yeah, okay,” she said, this time with a real smile. She looked out the window once more than back to him, her smile still lingered, but her expression was back to that more serious tone. “Thanks, Joel.”

He knew he had a lot more to do to regain her trust, this would have to be a start.

“No problem, kiddo.”

***

Joel and Ellie stood in front of the open garage. It was normal as far as garages went, filled with some old boxes and lawn equipment.

Ellie had followed him as he made his inspection, not saying a word the entire time as he checked the space.

Now she stood next to him, and he could sense her anxiety. She was practically jumping out of her skin. He was actually impressed that she’d let him take his time. 

This was important to her.

Joel rubbed his bearded chin. “Well...”

Ellie’s eyes widened. “Well…?”

Joel looked at her, then crossed his arms across his chest. “Well, it looks like a lot of the works been done. There’s already a bathroom. I see a few beams need replacing. It gets cold here, Ellie, real cold. It’s a good thing we’re just out of spring. We’ll need to find some insulation. That door needs replacing.”

“So…?”

“So, if this is where you want to be, I reckon it’ll do.”

Ellie pumped her arm in the air. “Yes!” she said excitedly. “I’ll get my stuff. When can we move the bed?”

“Now hold up just a second,” Joel said, holding up his hands. “It’s gonna take more than just you and me to move the bed, kiddo. We get Tommy to help out, and we get to the things we need to get to, then you can move in.”

Ellie’s shoulders dropped, and Joel sighed.

“Look, it won’t be that long,” he said, reassuring her. "Alright?"

“Okay,” she said before her eyes moved past his shoulder. “Oh, hey.”

Joel turned around, expecting to see Tommy. Instead, it was the woman from bingo.

“Hey,” she said, looking between them. “I knocked, but you didn’t hear it. Then I heard voices, so thought I’d take a peek, and well, here you are…”

Joel took a good look at her. She was nervous. He watched as she scrunched her nose and muttered something under her breath. She was cute.

“Birdy, right?” he said, breaking the awkward silence.

She seemed to gather herself, then looked at him, her chin tilted up as she smiled. “Yep, that’s me.” 

Yeah, she was cute. He wanted to ask what kind of name Birdy was, but Ellie stepped forward. 

“Birdy, hey, come and check out my new place.”

Ellie motioned toward the open garage as if she were showcasing a prize on a game show.

Birdy looked at Ellie, back at the garage, then straight at him.

Her expression was clearly confused. “She’s gonna live in the garage?”

“Appears that way,” Joel replied, not stopping the grin that lifted the corner of his mouth. He was glad not to be the only one that thought this entire idea was ridiculous, not that it would change anything.

Ellie, maybe feeling a little shunned in her decision, spoke up. “Joel’s fixing it up. It’ll be great. It’ll have some stuff to make it warmer during the winter.”

“Insulation?”

“Yeah, that. It’s gonna be great.”

The conversation stopped when Tommy walked out the back door. 

“What are y’all doing back here?” he said before he paused, his eyes landing on Birdy. “Birdy? What are you doing here?”

Joel could feel the tension radiating off Birdy as Tommy made his way over to them.

“Oh, um, I came by to give Ellie this,” she said as they all watched her fish out a piece of paper from her back pocket. “It’s a voucher. For winning bingo last night.”

Joel watched as she held it out to Ellie. Ellie took it. “Thanks,” she said but clearly not understanding.

Birdy shrugged a shoulder. “No problem figured you earned it,” she said, then motioned toward the garage. “Go get something for your new place.”

Ellie’s smile got bigger, her head bobbed. “Really? Wow. Can we go now?” she asked, looking up at Joel.

“How ‘bout I take you two ‘round some of the shops,” Tommy offered.

That got a “cool” from Ellie.

Joel noticed Birdy making her way toward the gate.

“Thank you,” Joel said, catching up to her, still curious what had made her so tense. “Ah. That was mighty kind.”

She smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “She earned it.”

Joel felt Tommy come up behind him.

“That was real nice of you, Birdy,” Tommy said, then he leveled a look at Joel. “You really gonna let her live in the garage?”

“Jesus,” Joel muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache.

He could have sworn he heard a soft laugh around the other side of the fence Birdy had slipped off to.


	3. Chapter 3

A week later.

You were making your way toward the east gate for your afternoon shift when you came to a stop. You had spotted Ellie in your peripheral, sitting on one of the benches that outlined the fence along the park. Not particularly strange, but the other kids her age were on the inside chatting and carrying on like young people usually did. 

You’d seen Ellie in passing during the week, but not since the day in her backyard had you actually talked to her. You knew she helped out in the garden, which was usually the first assignment for the younger Jackson residents. Still, beyond that, you weren’t aware of how her assimilation into Jackson society was going, but this didn't look promising.

“Hey, Ellie,” you said once you got close enough.

Ellie looked up from a notebook she was doodling in. “Oh, hey,” she responded with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. Not the smile from the other day, you noted.

You weren’t even sure why you were doing this. Just like the other morning, you followed some strange compulsion. You had told yourself that it was only the right thing to do, Ellie had earned that voucher. It was supposed to be a quick stop to drop it off, but Ellie had drawn you into the conversation. Seeing Tommy had quickly reminded you why it had been a bad idea, and yet here you were again. 

“How’s the garage? All moved in?”

“Ah, yeah, it’s good,” she answered. “I got some cool posters with that voucher you gave me.”

“Good. Glad you used it.”

“So, you on guard duty?” she asked, her gaze roamed to the rifle on your back. 

You answered with a nod.

“That’s a nice rifle.” 

You move your shoulder, looking over at it. It was the only rifle you used, the one you had brought with you from the Fireflies. You hadn’t named it or anything, but it was the one possession that had remained with you over the years. “Thanks. I’ve had it a while. It’s kind of like my trusty sidekick. You know a lot about guns?”

“Some. Can I take a look?”

“Um, well, I don’t know,” you said. “Should probably ask your dad-”

“Birdy,” she cut you off. “Joel’s not my dad.”

You’re not sure what to say, so you settled on “Oh.” However, this was news to you. You had just assumed Ellie was Joel’s. Now moving into the garage didn’t seem all that peculiar, but now you had more questions floating around in your head.

Ellie continued, “I plan on joining the patrols,” she told you a matter of fact. “I’m actually a pretty good shot.”

You nod your head, encouragingly. “Good to know. That’s the way it works around here. Everyone pitches in,” you tell her. “You’ve been working in the gardens, right?”

Ellie shrugged her shoulder in disinterest. “Yeah.”

“A lot of the other kids your age are there,” you said, glancing into the park. “Farming rotation today, getting to know the others, then next, you’ll be familiar with those you end up on patrol with.”

Ellie followed your glance at the kids in the park.

You take a step back, wave your arm. “Dina!” you called out. You only knew Dina from Jesse, a young man who had just started patrols.

Ellie gives you a questioning look, you just smiled at her, asking her to trust you with your eyes.

Dina walked over to you and Ellie. Jesse was a good kid, and he only gave high praise regarding Dina, so that seemed a good recommendation to you.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey, Dina,” you said, not sure how this was supposed to work. “You know Ellie?”

Dina nodded her head. “I’ve seen her around,” she said then looked at Ellie. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

The three of you stand there in awkward silence for a few minutes. You wanted to roll your eyes. Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea. Then Dina looked down and noticed Ellie’s sketchbook.

“That’s really good,” she said.

“Oh, uh, thanks,” Ellie replied, then asked. “You draw?”

Dina laughed as if it was the most ridiculous question she’d ever heard. “Ah, no,” she replied, “Can I see some more?”

“Sure.”

You had started backing away, neither of them noticed their focus on Ellie’s notebook. When you turned around to walk away, you heard Dina say, “So, you wanna come hang out with us?” You grinned to yourself. Pulling your rifle higher on your shoulder, feeling a little smug, and congratulating yourself mentally, you headed toward the gate.

Some would complain guard duty on the wall was dull, but give them a choice between guarding the wall and patrol, most of them chose the wall. It was much safer, but still, it was boring. In the years since you’d been in Jackson, dozens of people had been lost on patrol. There had been attacks against the town itself from bandits in its earlier stages, but that had become a lesser occurrence once the wall had been completed, the last big attack had been at the dam the past fall. You preferred the wall, but not because of its relative safety. It was similar to being up in the trees or on a roof during your days with the Fireflies; it was the solitude you enjoyed. After exchanging the necessary pleasantries, you took your post, usually unbothered for the rest of the shift. You had your days on patrol. It was expected of anyone comfortable on a horse, but the wall is where you liked to be. 

You’re making your way back to the motel where you’ve had a room for the last six years when you hear a voice with that familiar raspy drawl you recognize immediately. 

“Hey, Birdy, hold up.”

You turn to see Tommy jogging toward you. He looked good, you guessed he’d recently showered, and he was wearing one of his nicer shirts.

“What’s up?” you say in greeting.

He comes to a stop in front of you. “Wanted to see if you’d be up for early patrol with me tomorrow. Just got a report of some sightings along the pass.”

It’d been some time since you’d done a patrol with Tommy. Usually, you were paired with Eugene or, more recently, Jesse. You and Tommy were unquestionably the two best snipers Jackson had, so if there were trouble, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to ask you.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Kay, great,” he said, then the two of you stood there awkwardly for a moment.

“You look nice,” you said, breaking the silence. “Hot date?”

Tommy chuckled. “As a matter of fact, I do.”

Tommy had been married to the town’s leader, Maria, for three years. She and her father had been the ones that started the rebuilding of Jackson. Maria had taken an immediate liking to Tommy when they had first met, so it hadn’t come as a complete surprise when the two got hitched.

“Don’t let Maria find out.”

Tommy’s smile widened, and it made you realize you didn’t see it a lot, at least not directed at you.

“So you coming to the movie tonight?” You side-eyed him, and he laughed. Another thing the two of you didn’t share as much. “Fine. Y’know Esther’s in town.”

That piqued your curiosity. You hadn’t seen Esther in months. The two of you weren’t friends exactly, she resided at the dam, but when she was in town she attended bingo, which is how the two of you met. “Everything okay at the dam?”

“Things are fine. She just came for some supplies and a little break, I reckon,” he said, and then his mouth lifted on one side conspiratorially. You mimicked him with your own half-grin before he continued. “If I have any say on things, I think she and Joel could get along real nice.”

The statement hit you with an unexpected pang of disappointment. Of course, it would make sense Tommy would want his brother to have what he had.

You collected yourself real quick. “Well, Esther’s a great girl,” you managed to get out, but your voice sounded a little off, and your smile wavered a bit.

Tommy noticed, eyeing you as if he sensed the change. “Birdy, you okay?”

You shake your head. “I’m fine,” you said to reassure him. “Just tired all of a sudden.”

Tommy’s gaze swept your face. “Alright, then. Well, go get your sleep,” he said, but you could tell he wasn’t satisfied by your answer the way he kept looking at you. “See ya in the morning.”

You give him a mock salute. “You got it boss.”

Tommy shook his head, giving you one last look over before turning away. You stood there and watched him walk away.

You were surprised at yourself. What was the deal with you? The last thing you needed to do was involve yourself with the goings of any man, especially Tommy’s brother. You let out a sigh, then you turned and started home.

You’d just have to do better at keeping your distance from Joel Miller.

***

Joel was admiring the stables when Tommy walked up to him. “Ya got a great setup here, Tommy,” he said appreciatively. It was true. So far, everything Joel had seen since he and Ellie arrived had been impressive.

“Told ya,” Tommy said with a pleased smile. He was like a proud papa when he showed off Jackson. “The barn still needs some work.”

“I can pitch in on that,” Joel offered.

Tommy smiled. “Good. I was hopin’ you’d be amenable,” he said as they walked toward the paddock. "So...heard through the grapevine you and Esther hung out late.”

Joel shook his head and chuckled. “This really is a small town,” he muttered, walking beside Tommy. He knew Tommy wanted a report; some things never changed. “Alright. Well, ah, Esther, she’s a fine woman. We figured it wouldn’t be so bad if we continued talkin’.”

What he said seemed to please his little brother, if Tommy slapping his leg with a ‘woot’ thrown in were any indication. “I knew you two would get on. She’s just your type, Joel.” 

“Didn’t figure I had one- a type,” Joel said wryly.

“Well, it’s probably been some time since you met someone nice and willing to look at that ugly mug of yours for a length of time,” Tommy said with some amusement as he motioned to one of the stable hands. ”

“Funny,” Joel said pointedly.

“Alright, simmer down, I’m just jokin’ with ya,” Tommy said. “Let’s find you a horse, and we can head on out.

As he waited, Joel thought back on the previous night. He and Ellie had met up with Tommy and Maria at the theater, Esther had been with them. Joel had remembered meeting her at the dam those months ago the first time he and Ellie had come into Jackson County. Ellie had gone off to sit with some of her new friends and they found themselves seated next to one another. The movie wasn’t particularly exciting, so there had been a lot of low chatter in the theater. He and Esther had shared some light conversation, and she had a wry sense of humor that he liked. When the movie was over, Ellie had asked to hang out a little longer. He still wasn't comfortable leaving her, and when Esther had offered to sit with him, he’d taken her up on it. They’d talked about more general things, Esther giving him the rundown on the happenings at the dam. He’d actually enjoyed himself. When Ellie came to tell him that she was ready to head home, he had been surprised the time had flown by so quickly. They parted ways, but not before Esther said she’d like to see him again, and he agreed likewise.

Joel watched as a chestnut and dark bay were led over. He held out his hand to the bay. “Hey, girl.” The horse nodded its head before nudging its nose into his hand. “Yeah, we’re gonna get along just fine.”

Tommy had gone to fetch something from the barn, later reappearing with a cowboy hat on his head.

The sight amused Joel. “Well, damn, son,” he said with mirth. “Don’t you look like a real goddamn cowboy.”

Tommy smirked before revealing the hat he held in his other hand. “Goes with the territory,” he said holding the hat out for Joel to take. “It’s a long ride. Gotta protect that pretty head of yours.”

“Shit,” Joel muttered before grabbing the hat.

Joel and Tommy made their way toward the gate. Joel gave Tommy a questioning look when he sees Birdy sitting atop a dapple grey, waiting for them. She shoots Tommy a similar look from beneath the brim of her ball cap.

They all shared pleasantries before Tommy explained that Joel would be joining them. “Joel’s gonna be learning the routes.”

Birdy responded with a flat, “Okay.”

They rode along the ridge, Birdy leading, Joel and Tommy followed not far behind. It’s a warm day and things are quiet but for the sounds of nature around them. Tommy explained the different patrol routes to him, how they went about planning. 

“Y’know Ellie is almost to an age we start trainin’,” Tommy said. “Figure we could start her on some group patrols. She’s pretty good on a horse.”

“Well, you figured wrong,” Joel responded tightly. “She ain’t ready for all that just yet.”

“Look, I’m not saying this minute,” Tommy tried explaining. “Just think on it, will ya’? All the kids, at some point, have to learn this stuff.” 

Joel knows Tommy is right. “We’ll talk about it. Just...not now.”

He looked ahead toward Birdy, wondered if she heard any part of their conversation. They had made one stop to let the horses rest after one particularly steep climb. She had kept her distance, taking a short walk around the area, leaving him and Tommy with the horses. Tommy had only shrugged. Joel's eyes lingered on her. She had her hair braided down the back under her cap, though more than a few strands had escaped. She looked at ease in the saddle, her back straight as she surveyed the area around them. Joel watched her hips swaying gracefully with the motion of the horse beneath her, and the movement hypnotized him.

He shook his head when her horse changed course, chuckling to himself. 

As the horses made their way off the ridge, Joel noticed they were headed towards a small town. When they reached the first row of buildings, they heard a distant scream. 

Joel’s pulse jumped as he tried settling his horse as she skittered beneath him. “Easy. Easy,” he soothed.

He looked up to see Birdy doing the same. She whispered to her mount, then dismounted and unhooked her backpack before pulling out her rifle.

By the time Joel dismounted and grabbed his own rifle and backpack, Tommy and Birdy were huddled together.

Another scream.

“Sounds like it’s coming from the square,” Birdy said, her eyes roaming the perimeter.

“Think you’re right,” Tommy said and turned to Joel. “We’re gonna leave the horses and take it on foot.”

Joel responded with an “Alright.”

They followed the sounds until they came across what looked like a family trapped in a van. They heard what clearly was a woman’s scream, then the sound of a baby screaming. A half dozen so infected are banging on the metal. 

The shattering sound of a window told them they needed to hurry.

Birdy pointed out a nearby storefront with a second story. Even though the screams and crying are keeping the infected occupied, they still move with stealth, as they make their way inside.

They made their way up some stairs finding a room on the second floor with a clear view of the street and van below. Birdy confirmed there were eight infected as she surveyed the street. Joel regarded her a moment as she turned her cap around on her head before bringing her rifle up to her shoulder, lining up the sight, then slowly squeezed off a shot. 

One infected down.

Joel took a shot, hitting an infected but in the shoulder. “Shit,” he muttered under his breath as Birdy finished it off.

Tommy is firing off shots next to him and it isn’t long before they’ve taken the remaining out.

Then it happened without warning, as they lowered their rifles, a stalker stumbled into the room, surprising them, no doubt drawn by all the gunfire. It lunged at Tommy, and they both fell to the floor.

Joel had his knife out instantly as he yelled, “Tommy!” and leaped forward. He distantly heard Birdy’s shriek as he plunged the knife in the infected neck. Blood and matter splattered against him as he withdrew the blade before bringing it down again, this time into the soft matter that had at once been a skull. The stalker went limp on Tommy.

“Fuck!” Tommy cried out, pushing the body off him.

Birdy rushed over to him, dropping to her knees. “You bit?” her eyes are frantic, as her hands frantically ran over Tommy’s arm where blood trickled down.

Tommy shook his head. “Just some glass, I’m alright.”

Joel leaned back and gripped the table behind him, releasing the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. When he opened his eyes, he watched Birdy as she pulled out some cloth from her backpack, now sitting in front of her. She wrapped it around Tommy’s arm, the entire time shaking her head and muttering to herself. When she finished, she looked away from Tommy and up at him, he saw his own relief mirrored in her eyes.

The sound of a baby wailing broke the silence.

Tommy started to move. “I’ll go down and check things out,” Tommy said, getting up with some help from Birdy. When they were standing, he grabbed her arm and looked at her. “Watch my back.”

“Yeah,” she replied.

Birdy picked up her rifle and took her position at the window. Joel watched as she lifted the rifle into position against her shoulder. She brought her right hand down, wiped it on her leg before bringing it back up again, settling her finger over the trigger, all her concentration on the street and Tommy as he walked toward the van.

Joel moved to stand next to her, raised his own rifle, and watched Tommy.

“Where’d you learn to shoot?” he asked.

“Joel, shhh.…”

One corner of his mouth ticked up. He liked the way she said his name low and soft. It did something funny to him. He glanced at her, then back at Tommy.

They can’t hear what Tommy’s saying, but whatever it is, whoever is in the van appeared to believe him. Soon there’s movement, and then the van door opens, an older woman stepped out, followed by a younger one carrying a baby.

Tommy turned in their direction, said something to the women, and then waved, giving them the all-clear.

Birdy lowered her rifle and turned to Joel, meeting his eyes. “I was a Firefly.”

***

You watched as Tommy disappeared in the distance, leading his horse, the two women atop it. You hoped the baby didn’t make too much noise on the way back to Jackson.

Tommy had insisted that you and Joel finish the sweep of the town, make sure there weren’t any stragglers. He’d head back and get his arm attended to. You’d never been so scared, seeing that stalker on Tommy. Thankfully Joel had been there. Had it just been you, you’re not sure the outcome would have been as sunny, at least not for Tommy.

You and Joel had decided to walk, leaving the horses in case you did run into something. So far, everything seemed quiet. 

“So, you were a Firefly?” he said in that deep, gravelly drawl that seemed to reverberate around you.

“Don’t hold it against me,” you responded, as you kept walking, your rifle held to your chest. You don’t look, but you can feel him watching you. “I came to Jackson with Eugene and Tommy.”

“Eugene was a Firefly too?” You can hear the disbelief in his voice. It almost made you want to smile. A lot of people would have the same reaction to Eugene being a Firefly. The man was a giant pussycat. “How many of you are there?”

You stopped and looked at him. “I’m not a Firefly now. I’m surprised Tommy hasn’t already told you all this.”

“Guess he hadn’t gotten to it yet,” Joel said, rubbing his hand over the top of his hair, he’d left the cowboy hat on his horse’s saddle. “So, ah, what made you want to be a Firefly anyway?”

“I don’t know if I ever wanted to be one,” you replied, unsure why you were revealing this information, but it wasn’t like Tommy wasn’t going to tell him. “It was something to do.”

“Ya gotta funny way of keeping busy,” Joel said, adjusting his hold on his rifle.

“So, I’m guessing you were not a Firefly.”

“You’d be correct.”

You both remained quiet until you arrived on the other side of town.

“Well, there don’t appear to be anymore infected,” Joel said, looking at you. “I’d say we’re clear.”

“All the noise earlier would have probably drawn them out,” you said in agreement. “Head back to Jackson?”

The walk with Joel had actually been surprisingly pleasant, and you were somewhat disappointed it was coming to an end. He regarded you a moment before nodding his head. You both then proceeded to make the walk back toward the horses.

“I ran into Ellie yesterday,” you said. Now knowing that your time together would be ending, you wanted to talk. “She seems to be doing well. I see her in the gardens most days, and she seems like a big help.”

“Yeah, that’s good to hear,” he said distractedly.

“Everything okay?”

“Ah. Ellie’s just been a little distant since we got here,” he confessed, which surprised you because you asked the question, not expecting he would answer. “I’m strugglin’ with how to go about fixin’ it.”

You felt like you were in trouble. Had he not talked to Tommy about this? He wasn’t directly asking you a specific question. Should you ignore it?

“New places. There’s always an adjustment,” you threw out as the most generic statement you could think of. What gave you any kind of authority to give this man advice? 

You sighed. It was obvious he was troubled, even though he wasn't Ellie’s real dad, he was the closest thing she had to one, and he seemed to genuinely care for her. “Don’t give up, Joel.” You add unthinking. "You seem like a really good dad. I'm sure you'll come up with something."

Joel didn’t respond, maybe you'd overstepped referring to him as Ellie's dad. You both went back to not talking for the rest of the walk. You’d stopped yourself from trying to start another conversation several times, so when you finally reached the horses, it’s a relief.

Your muscles are tense, and you winced slightly while starting to take your backpack off. Before you realized what was happening, Joel was there, sliding the backpack off your shoulder. You watched him as he tied it to the saddle, then he turned to look at you. 

“Thank you,” he said, his eyes warm on you. Your stomach fluttered when he continued, and his voice sounded even deeper. “For listening, and giving me something to think on.”

You blinked several times. “What are you thinking?”

“Best you don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to be real good at keeping this updated, so it's probably not in the best of shape. I'll probably be going back and making little changes here and there as I go. Hopefully, it's not too wonky. Hope you're enjoying!


	4. Chapter 4

Eugene’s Birthday

When you opened the door to the Tipsy Bison, you are met with the yeasty smell of beer and a wave of body heat, and of course, the sounds of the birthday boy’s favorite era of country music blasting from the jukebox. Good thing Jackson didn’t have a fire marshall, you thought as you maneuvered around bodies, peeking into spaces, trying to get a bead on Eugene. 

Unlike you, Eugene Linden enjoyed the attention, and his birthdays were always well attended. It was one of the exceptions you made in your avoidance of most social events in Jackson. 

It seemed the more headway you made toward the bar, the more pushing had become involved. When you finally made it, you took a swig of the beer someone had shoved into your hand and looked around for Eugene. The sooner he saw you, the sooner you could make your way out. 

Through the crowd, you spotted Joel in a corner, with Tommy and Maria. They looked to have been there a while by the number of glasses and bottles in front of them. 

A few weeks had passed since the last time you’d seen Tommy and Joel. You’d noticed on the assignment board that they were doing patrols together, usually on the other side of the map from where your patrols took you. You’d run into Ellie a few times around town. There had been an accident with some battery acid. You figured she’d stumbled upon it in her garage. She had been excited to show you the warped stretches of skin that looked like melted plastic on her arm, still raw and swollen. “Pretty cool, right?” It looked nasty, but you hadn’t told her that.

“Birdy! You’re finally here!”

Eugene’s voice boomed loud through the entire establishment. It felt like every eye was on you as Eugene seemed to materialize out of thin air in front of you. He threw his massive arms around you and pulled you into a huge hug. 

“Happy Birthday, Eugene,” you said into his shirt. 

Easily a foot taller than you, he never had a problem with manhandling you but in an affectionate mama bear way. He held you out in front of him at arm’s length. “My dudette, what took you so long to get here?” 

Then instead of waiting for an answer, he grabbed your arm and dragged you behind him through the crowd, and then through the kitchens until he pushed through a screen door and you found yourself outside.

“What are we doing out here?” you asked, watching him dig in his shirt pocket for something. There was a railing on the small porch. You turned and sat against it as you watched him, wondering what he was doing.

“Shit,” he said. “Thought I lost it.” When he finally withdrew his hand from his pocket, you laughed.

“Where did you get that?” you said, looking at the rolled cigarette Eugene held between his fingers.

He fished out a lighter from his pocket. “Don’t worry about that,” he said as he flicked the lighter top back and lit the end of the joint before taking a short puff. “Figured it’s the least I could do, you showing up and all.”

He held it out, you took it, put it your lips and took a drag. You held it down for a few seconds before exhaling. “So really, where do you get this stuff?” you asked, holding the joint out to him. 

“That’s my secret.” He took a long drag.

Eugene was your closest friend, you usually shared everything, but this was his, and you gave it to him without any fuss. Everyone had their secrets.

You squinted your eyes at him. “So, ah, how does the big seven - oh feel?”

Eugene took another drag before handing it back to you. You took another hit and waited as he blew out the smoke from his lungs. “Old, man. Really fucking old.”

You laughed, the smoke caught in your throat, and then you were coughing, then Eugene was laughing.

Between Eugene’s giggling and your coughing, you're both so distracted that you didn't notice the screen door opening until you heard the squeak of the hinges.

Your eyes bugged out in mild panic. “Oh shit!” you said, flicking the joint away from you.

“Birdy!” Eugene said in pure shock. “What the fuck, you just tossed my roach!”

“Fuck,” you muttered as you quickly knelt, sweeping your hand around the planks of the porch.

You heard a soft chuckle, and your heart jumped.

You slowly looked up to see Joel standing there, looking down at you with a grin on his face.

“Ah, so this where the cool kids hang out?” he asked in that drawl you'd only heard in your head these past few weeks.

You weren’t feeling particularly cool at the moment, the exact opposite in fact.

Joel lifted his chin, nodding toward both you and Eugene. “Tommy sent me to fetch you two.”

You stood up, abandoning your search. Feeling much lighter, you couldn’t stop the smile that seemed plastered on your face. “Thank you,” you said, nodding at Joel as he held the door open, and you slipped through back into the bar.

As the night went on, you sat at the bar observing the goings-on around you. You had a good buzz going thanks to Eugene and two beers. You watched as Eugene was the recipient of a very sultry rendition of Happy Birthday, sung ala Marilyn Monroe, by a buxom blonde. Afterwards, you’d seen them dancing by the jukebox.

Rolling the bottom of the beer bottle you’d been nursing around on the surface of the bar, you thought about leaving, but Eugene had made you promise that you’d stay. You lifted the bottle and tipped it to your mouth. The beer was warm. You set the bottle back down, shaking your head at the taste.

You felt a strong physical presence beside you, turned to see Joel taking the seat next to you. He was holding a glass of amber liquid.

He motioned to your bottle. “Need another?”

“Uh, no, I think I’m done for the night.”

You watched him take a drink, finishing what was left in his glass before setting it down on the bar. 

“Wanted to thank you again for that last time we talked,” he said as you watched his thumb trace the rim of his glass. “Ellie and I, we, ah, we found some middle ground.”

“That’s real good, Joel,”

“Birdy!’

You lurched back as the mass that was Tommy pushed itself between you and Joel. He had a shit-eating grin on his face as he looked at you.

“Hey, honey,” he said, and the endearment took you by surprise. “Ain’t had a chance to talk to you.”

“Tommy,” you said, but you were bracing yourself. Tommy had obviously had a little too much to drink, and he was feeling extra friendly, possibly a little nostalgic. You just hoped he’d keep it together.

“Eugene’s happy you’re here,” he said, and you looked at him and saw the expectant expression on his face. “We’re all happy you’re here. I worry about you.”

You silently prayed for him to stop.

Joel must have noticed your unease. He stood up and placed a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “C’mon Tommy, let’s get you back to your wife.”

You watched as Joel led Tommy back through the crowd. 

Deciding it was definitely time to go, you stood up to leave but was stopped by a familiar voice.

“Leaving already?”

You couldn’t imagine the night taking a steeper dive, but here it was.

You turned around to face your biggest regret. “Uh, yes, actually I am,” you said evenly, trying to keep any emotion out of your voice. 

Aiden Cramer was what happened when you let down your guard. It had been over a year, and the man still hadn’t figured it out. You’d wonder what you’d been drinking the night the two of you met.

Aiden had property outside Jackson, so he only came to town when he traded. You had shared one night and it hadn't even been good.

You hoped his stay in Jackson was brief. 

“How ‘bout you sit back down and we catch up?” he said. “It’s been some time since I seen you last.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Aiden.”

He swayed a bit. “C’mon Birdy, why you gotta be so cold? I don’t remember you being this cold that night we had.”

“Jesus Christ,” you muttered, rolling your eyes. Now he was starting to annoy you.

You felt the back of his hand move up your arm, and the contact raised the hairs on your skin. “It’s okay sweetheart. Just need a real man to warm that cold heart of yours.”

“Well, why don’t you point one out and I’ll give him a try.” It’s out before you can stop yourself, and the reaction from Aiden is instant. His face changed, and his mouth twisted bitterly, his hand clenched at his side.

He’s about to respond, no doubt with something nasty when you feel Joel beside you.

“There a problem?” he asked, his voice tight.

“Who the hell is this?” Aiden said, still focused on you. You had once thought Aiden was good looking, but now, in proximity to Joel, you couldn’t see the appeal of him.

You were about to answer when Joel’s voice broke in.

“I’m Tommy’s brother, Joel,” he said, and though he said it calmly, you felt the intensity in his words. “Don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.”

Aiden looked between you and Joel then scoffed. “So now you’re fucking the brother? Are you-”

Before another word can come out of his mouth, you punched him. It was a straight punch to Aiden’s nose. You heard a loud crack before he stumbled backward, hitting the ground.

There’s a scramble around you, suddenly Tommy is in your face, his hands grasping your shoulders, Eugene is behind him. “Birdy, you okay?”

You looked down at Aiden on the ground. His nose gushed blood, the people around him had started to help him. 

Tommy followed your gaze, his expression hard. “Get that sonofabitch out of here!” 

You looked past Tommy and saw Maria with her arms crossed, watching you. You pushed Tommy away. “I’m fine, Tommy.” You started taking some steps back. “I’m just gonna get cleaned up. I’m fine.” You looked at Eugene. “Sorry, Eugene. Just go back to your party. I’m fine. Really.”

You make your way back through the kitchen, the same route you and Eugene had made earlier. You pushed open the screen door and took a deep breath of cold night air.

“Fuck,” you muttered. You’re upset at yourself, embarrassment and shame poured through you. “Shit.” You kicked a pallet leaning against the wall, knocking over a can holding some screws. “Fuck.” You kneeled to pick up the screws, and you came across the end of the joint you’d shared with Eugene. You were blowing on it when the screen door opened, and Joel walked out.

You sighed.

“You plan on finishing that?” he asked, taking the few steps it took to stand in front of you.

You stood. “It’s Eugene’s birthday present,” you said offhandedly, slipping it into your front shirt pocket.

Joel chuckled softly.

You’re so close you can feel it vibrate through his chest. You wondered at his invasion of your personal space before he took your hand gently into his larger one and placed a towel on top. You closed your eyes. The towel had been wrapped around some ice, and the coolness felt good against the swollen skin.

“That fella, he a friend of yours?”

You opened your eyes. “No.”

A pause, then, “Why is that?”

“What?” you said, but it came out practically a whisper.

After another pause, “Why don’t you have friends?”

You felt your heart beat soundly against your chest. “I do. I have Eugene and - “ you paused, but Joel finished for you.

“Tommy.”

Your gut twisted. You pulled your hand away, losing the warmth of Joel’s hand. “We should get back inside,” you managed to say despite your embarrassment.

Joel stepped away from you and walked to the screen door. He held it open, waiting for you. 

“I just need another minute,” you told him.

He nodded, and you watched him as he disappeared back inside. 

You silently cursed yourself. What could you say? You couldn’t deny your attraction to Joel, and you suspected he might be feeling the same, and that was the problem. Where could it go from there? Another Aiden? 

No, you knew better than that, not another Aiden, - another Tommy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was sort of a fun filler but not. I hope you're still enjoying it.


	5. Chapter 5

Several weeks later.

“Hey! Joel! Are you watching me?” Ellie yelled. “Don’t let me fucking drown out here.”

Joel mentally shook his head. He’d been distracted. “You’re doing fine, kiddo. Now push with your arms,” he called out from the lakeshore.

Taking advantage of the last days of summer, he and Ellie found themselves at the lake, along with a good portion of the other families in Jackson. He’d started teaching Ellie to swim, and after a few lessons, she was showing a considerable amount of progress.

Now, rather than focusing on Ellie doing laps in the lake, he’d been thinking of her. 

When thoughts of Birdy had surfaced in his mind, he usually pushed them away, reminding himself that the woman wasn’t interested, no matter what he felt he sensed from her. 

They’d seen each other in passing, exchanged a handful of words in the weeks since the party, not exactly the cold shoulder, but he’d given her space. At least now, he was pretty confident he knew why she seemed to close up, and it had everything to do with Tommy, a relationship of some sort. He figured if it were something Tommy wanted to tell him, then he’d listen, but Tommy hadn’t said anything, and he wasn’t about to ask. Some things were better, just left.

Then Ellie had spotted Birdy in one of the two guard towers overlooking the lake when they’d arrived. Ellie called out and waved. Birdy waved back, then spotted him and gave him a smaller wave. By the time Joel lifted his hand to do the same, she had turned away. Why that annoyed him, he wasn’t quite sure.

Joel pulled his shirt over his head and flung it to the ground next to his and Ellie’s packs. He dove into the water, smooth as a fish, emerging in front of Ellie.

“Hey, what took you so long?” she asked a little disgruntled as she focused on treading water. “What were you doing that was so important, Joel?”

“Nothin’,” he said, rubbing the water from his face.

“Well, obviously.”

He splashed her.

Ellie took a faceful of water and coughed. “You’re such a jerk!” she managed to get out.

“Yeah?” He splashed her again, but this time she was ready and immediately splashed him back.

The two continued, splashing and laughing until Joel saw her struggling to keep afloat, grabbed her arm, and held her up. “Okay, there, kiddo?”

Ellie coughed. “Yeah.”

“Remember, use your arms,” he reminded her. Ellie moved her arms in front of her in circles. “Kick your feet. There ya go.” He gently released his hold, his fingers brushing against the shriveled skin on the inside of her forearm.

Joel was impressed with the way Ellie had been able to settle into Jackson, proud of her whenever someone commented about what a hard worker she was. He recognized the effort she was making. Their relationship also seemed to have been mended, and along with teaching her to swim, Joel was teaching her guitar. They even had a regular movie night, which he looked forward to every week. The only issue they had had was the bite wound. Then one day, she’d come bursting through the kitchen door, calling out for him in a panic. She wasn’t screaming, but tears were running down her cheeks. He’d been so scared he was angry, but he’d held it in for the most part. She’d been lucky she hadn’t melted her skin to the bone, and he didn’t have a problem telling her just that as he washed the acid away. Granted, it seemed the acid had been the solution, the surface of the skin, so severely warped, showed no evidence of the bite, and no one questioned the wound after. 

After being out in the lake for nearly the entire afternoon, Joel noticed other families had started to pack up for the day. “Whad’ya say we head back, kiddo,” he suggested.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Ellie responded, and they both started back toward the shore.

They hadn’t planned to stop at the BBQ Pit for dinner, but Esther had made an unexpected visit into town and decided she really wanted some barbecue. They stood in line waiting for their turn, Ellie and Esther looking over a comic Esther had brought for Ellie. Joel watched with amusement as the two flipped through pages, Ellie becoming very animated. 

He and Esther had started seeing each other more, but not with any regularity since she didn’t live in town, but any time she was in town, they would hang out, or he would stop and see her when he picked up patrol out by the dam. He didn’t mind the pace of things, since he was in no rush, and she seemed to feel the same.

They’d gotten their meals and were sitting at one of the outdoor benches. Joel was biting into a rib when Ellie waved her arm.

“Hey, Birdy!”

Joel looked up to see Birdy walking out the door with her own dinner in hand. Her plate wrapped, indicating she didn’t plan on staying. Her cheeks colored as her eyes fell on them. He looked away back down at his food. The last thing he needed to be doing was noticing how pretty she looked when she blushed.

“You want to eat with us?” Ellie asked.

As he waited for her answer, Joel licked the sticky bbq sauce off his fingers, when he realized she hadn’t spoken he looked up to see her staring at him. For some reason, he couldn’t stop the one-sided grin that pulled at his mouth, drawing her attention to his lips. Something fluttered across her features, and she tensed. 

He felt the loss when she looked away from him and focused on Ellie. “Um, thanks, I’m actually headed out,” she said, then looked at Esther. “How long are you in town for, Esther?”

“Just the night,” Esther replied, glancing at Joel.

Birdy smiled then, but it appeared a little forced. “Well, okay then, have a nice night,” she said before she caught Joel’s eye again and hesitated. He thought she might change her mind for a moment, and the fool-hearted part of him wanted her to.

Their gazes might have held a little too long. 

“Well, it was nice seeing you, Birdy,” Esther said, breaking the spell.

Joel didn’t watch Birdy walk away. After a long moment of staring at the table, wondering what that had been about, he looked up and saw Ellie looking in the direction Birdy had left in, a puzzled look on her face.

Esther must have also noticed. “Don’t take it personally, Ellie. Birdy doesn’t really have too many friends,” she said genuinely. “She’s always been a loner.” Joel wanted to ask more, but that would have been just plain stupid, considering Esther was there to see him. The last thing he needed to do was put any more thought into the inner workings of a woman that so thoroughly confused him.

Ellie looked at Esther, then at Joel, her browed furrowed. “Well, that’s gotta suck.”

Joel couldn’t help agreeing.

***

“Well, hiya, Birdy! Good to see you as always.”

You had just walked through the door of the community center’s multi-purpose room, your dinner, a bowl of vegetable soup from the diner in your hand.

You gave Stewart a small nod, “Evening, Stewart,” you said, grabbing a blank bingo card and a marker from the table he sat behind. You take a glance around the room before returning your gaze to him. “Looks like you’ve got a good turnout tonight.”

Stewart smiled that wide toothy smile he had. 

You turned to walk to your table as he called out a “Good Luck!” to you.

You took your seat and removed the napkin that covered your soup, still warm enough that steam rose. You observed the room as you ate, watched as groups formed and chatted amongst each other. 

You had thought of leaving Jackson many times over the years, possibly finding another settlement, there had to be others out there you had reasoned. But you’d heard so many stories, from travelers passing through or from those that decided to stay. All the dangers from hunters, bandits, and even cannibals always made you reconsider, telling yourself that Jackson needed help in its protection against those types. After the scene at Eugene's party, you were beginning to feel that pull again, questioning your reasons for staying. The truth sat cold and hard in your gut.

You pushed your soup bowl away as Stewart called out a number. 

Moments later, the door opened, and Ellie peered in. She spotted you and smiled before entering. You watched as she stopped by Stewart’s table, collected a card and marker before heading in your direction and taking a seat beside you.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey, Ellie,” you replied.

Ellie ignored the confused look on your face. “Winning?” she asked, looking at your card.

“Uh, no,” you said as Stewart called out a number. You looked down at your card, nothing. Then your heart seized as you realized something, your eyes darting to the door. “Where’s Joel?”

He was the last person you wanted to see. You’d made such a fool of yourself the last time you’d seen him. You cringed just thinking about it. The way you had practically drooled watching him lick sauce off his fingers, why had you been so mesmerized by a tongue. Well, you knew the why of it, even if you didn't want to admit it.

“Oh, ah, he’s gone to see Esther,” Ellie answered, and your stomach dropped. 

“To see Esther?” You tried to make yourself sound nonchalant, not that you thought Ellie would notice, the girl seemed focused on her bingo card.

“Yeah. Joel doesn’t think I know what ‘going to the dam’ means.”

So, this was becoming a thing. Not sure why you should be surprised, especially after you’d seen them together. Esther had always been a direct woman, she was much like Maria in that way, and she had definitely staked a claim on Joel. This was good news, you told yourself. Now you just had to stop thinking about the man every quiet moment of your day.

Ellie looked down to mark her card. You hadn’t heard the number called out, so you glanced over Ellie’s shoulder to see what you’d missed, then marked the number on your own card. “Do you like Esther?” you asked, keeping your expression as neutral as possible.

“Yeah, she’s nice. Funny, actually,” Ellie said, a smile on her face as she remembered something. “She makes Joel laugh.” 

Even though that last part stung, it sounded like everything was working out, you could be happy for them. Then you looked at Ellie, who seemed to be avoiding your stare. You looked around, remembered where you were. Why was Ellie here playing bingo while Joel was away?

“Why aren’t you with your friends?”

“I remembered you played bingo on Fridays.”

That wasn’t really an answer, and you started to become concerned. “Did something happen with Dina?” Ellie shook her head. Stewart called out another number, but you ignored it. “Did something happen with Joel?” 

“Geez, everything’s fine, Birdy,” Ellie said, marking her card before looking at you. “You know, you should come over and watch a movie sometime. Usually, it’s some sort of action movie, but we could watch whatever you wanted. Joel wouldn’t mind.”

That was not happening, but you didn’t say that to her.

“Ellie, what’s going on? Did you find out I was dying or something?” you said, half-joking.

Ellie chuckled. “No,” she said, staring at her bingo card. She looked up, her green eyes meeting yours. It was hard to miss the concerned look in them and then you did begin to worry. “Look, I’m just returning the favor, okay. You helped me when I didn’t have any friends.”

You swallowed hard, trying to think of what to say to that. You wanted to do nothing more than flee the room, but you remained seated. There was something about Ellie being concerned for you that tugged at your heart. You were amazed by her thoughtfulness.

“Bingo!” someone yelled, to which Ellie replied with a colorful expletive. And she was a big potty mouth. 

You smiled.

“Ellie, I appreciate what you’re doing, but you really don’t have to worry about me.”

“Fuck that.”

“Sorry?”

“Sorry, but fuck that,” Ellie said, and then it took her a moment as she seemed to gather her words. “Joel told me you have to find something to fight for - y’know to live for. Look...I’m trying… And Birdy, you might be fighting for Jackson, but you’re not living.”

Oh god. Being told what’s up by a fifteen-year-old had a way of making you feel like you just got punched in the gut. You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Both seemed a good option at the moment.

You sighed. “Ellie…” you started but then stopped yourself. It would have been easy to try and let her down, give some excuse to distance yourself, and you could do it, you’d become the master. But seeing the determined look on Ellie’s face, knowing that she was fighting for you.

For so long, you’d had the power over your own misery, and maybe it was time to cut yourself some slack.

You swatted away a rogue tear from your cheek then nudged Ellie with your arm. “Okay.”

Ellie squinted her eyes, looking at you skeptically. “So, you’ll come watch a movie?” 

You tensed a bit but slowly drew in a breath and then released it. Eventually, you’d have to start following this fifteen-year-old’s advice. “One of these days, okay?”

“Okay.” Ellie looked triumphant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!


	6. Chapter 6

Thanksgiving.

Joel kicked the snow off his boots and stepped into the house, closing the door behind him. 

Happy to be out of the cold, he shook off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack. As he unwrapped the scarf around his neck, Joel heard Ellie’s voice coming from the kitchen, reminding him that she was cooking dinner today with Maria. 

“Well, we gotta have stuffing,” he heard Ellie say as he made his way toward the kitchen. “That’s a thing, right?”

“The only stuffing I ever made came out of a box.”

Joel paused at the sound of Birdy’s voice. He knew Ellie had invited her to dinner, but that wasn’t for a couple more hours yet. 

He had wondered if she’d show. After Ellie had told him that she wanted to make Thanksgiving dinner, she’d added Birdy to the shortlist. The two had been spending more time together, and it had not gone unnoticed by Joel that those times usually occurred when he wasn’t around. Not that Joel minded Ellie having a relationship with Birdy, he knew it was important for Ellie to have a woman’s influence. Much as he’d come to respect Maria, he didn’t think Ellie could open up to her. Not the way she seemed to with Birdy.

Esther was due to arrive soon, as was Tommy. He couldn’t help worrying now. Ellie had been excited to have Thanksgiving, her first real Thanksgiving, and he hoped this wouldn't cause an unneeded complication.

Joel stepped into the kitchen. “Well, howdy ladies -” he stopped, taking a look around the kitchen. Every available counter space had been filled. There were pans and all types of ingredients piled about, along with two cleaned ducks that looked ready for the oven. One thing that stuck out, there didn’t seem to be much cooking happening.

“Joel?” Ellie said, looking up from a cookbook that sat on the table between her and Birdy. “I thought you were on patrol?”

“Tommy and I finished up early,” he said, coming up to the island and bracing his arms against the edge as he looked at the sight before him. “Whatcha got going on here, kiddo?”

Ellie let out a frustrated sigh. “It’s a total disaster, Joel. Maria got called away and left me to make this stupid dinner on my own,” she said before slamming the cookbook closed. “I should have never asked to fucking do this.”

Joel winced. Maria would have some making up to do.

Joel took a long look around before taking a breath. “Alright, well first things first, Ellie, let’s get those ducks in the oven.” He moved around the island, stopping at the sink to wash his hands before picking up items off the counter. “I, ah, just happen to know a thing or two about dressin’.” 

“Dressing?” He heard Ellie ask Birdy.

“Stuffing,” Birdy whispered back.

“Oh!”

Joel stopped to turn the oven on after Ellie loaded the sheet pan with the fowl. He finished gathering all his ingredients as Ellie retook her seat next to Birdy, both sat and watched. He couldn’t help feeling a little self-conscious. 

“Need us to do anything?” Birdy offered.

“You two just sit there and look pretty.”

Ellie made a very unladylike snort, and Joel chuckled. He looked up from his work to see the blush that had spread across Birdy’s cheeks. The temptation to reach out and brush his thumb across those blushing cheeks caught him off guard.

Joel cleared his throat. “Ah, Ellie, mind getting me a drink?” he asked, continuing his food prep.

Ellie hopped off her stool. “A glass of the hard stuff coming up, just keep doing whatever you’re doing,” she said as she left the room. 

He actually hadn’t meant for her to leave the room, only to get him a glass of water, but maybe he could use something a little stronger at the moment.

“So how’d you get roped into this?” he asked, giving Birdy a quick glance.

“Oh, uh, I ran into Ellie at the market,” she said, opening the cookbook’s cover. “But, I’m afraid I’m no better in the kitchen than she is.” Birdy laughed. “Figured I could at least offer moral support.”

Joel dumped chopped celery into a baking dish. “You weren’t planning on coming,” Joel stated before he looked up at her. She gave him an anxious glance before looking away, and he had his answer. He reached for some carrots. “I’m glad you did. Ah, Ellie...well, she’s been looking forward to this all week.”

Continuing his chopping, he heard the pages of the cookbook as she turned them. “How’d you learn to cook, Joel?”

Joel dumped the carrots and reached for an apple. He thought about the times he’d spent in the kitchen. While he wasn’t the greatest cook, he’d managed, and while there had been plenty of fish sticks and pizza, he pulled off a real home-cooked meal once in a while for Sarah. “Being a single parent, I suppose I had to pick it up real quick, or I wouldn’t have been much use to my girl.” He was a little surprised at bringing up Sarah. Though talking about her had become more comfortable, those conversations were usually reserved for Ellie or Tommy. 

“Ellie told me you had a daughter,” Birdy admitted, meeting his eyes earnestly. 

Joel decided to change the subject. “I, ah, do laundry too, if that’ll earn me some brownie points.”

Before he could get her response, Ellie reappeared, holding Joel’s drink, followed by Esther. “Esther’s here,” Ellie announced, putting the glass down in front of him.

Esther’s cheeks were pink from the cold, her eyes bright. She walked around to stand next to him. “I ran into Maria when I got into town, she told me to hurry over here,” she explained before taking a look around, glancing at Birdy before settling her eyes on Joel. “Good thing she did too.” She leaned up and kissed Joel on the cheek. “Who doesn’t love a man in the kitchen?”

***

Once Esther arrived, the meal preparation kicked into high gear. You hadn’t bothered offering to help knowing you’d just be in the way. 

Thanksgiving was one of the few holidays from before the outbreak that survived in Jackson, its focus on family and being thankful for new beginnings. Years ago, there had been one large gathering with the entire community in attendance, but with growth, many families turned it into a more intimate affair in their homes.

You’d been touched but not surprised when Ellie had told you she’d plan on making dinner and then followed the announcement by inviting you. Joel had it right, you had decided not to come, but then you had bumped into Ellie, and seeing how upset she was, you couldn’t refuse her. You still couldn’t believe Maria had abandoned her like that, though you knew that was probably unfair to Maria. The woman had the responsibility of the entire town; undoubtedly, there had to have been a really good reason to pull her away.

But now that Esther was here and things were under control, you asked yourself why you didn’t just go. You couldn’t deny the jealousy you felt when Esther had cozied up to Joel. Leaving would be in your best interest, but you decided you wouldn’t upset Ellie, not after what Joel had said about her looking forward to this dinner all week. You suspected he might have been guilting you into staying. 

You could handle one evening you kept telling yourself. 

The chatter from the kitchen echoed through the house as you wandered from room to room. When you’d explored every room of the lower level, you found yourself starting up the stairs.

You entered the first room you came across, figured it must have been the one meant for Ellie, no longer a bedroom now it looked like Joel was converting it into some kind of workroom. Tables lined the walls, tools scattered across the surfaces. You picked up a book on woodworking and thumbed through it. You noticed pieces of driftwood, the castoffs of a lot of practice, walked over and picked one piece up. It was small, but its shape reminded you of a giraffe or the beginning of one. You imagined Joel here working during his spare time, using his hands to keep his mind at peace. Was he teaching himself a new craft or finetuning a skill? Why did you have to know?

There weren’t any other rooms to discover but a bathroom and Joel’s bedroom. There was an alcove in front of you, separating you from the bedroom. Two pictures on a dresser caught your attention, and you found yourself stepping through the entryway to get a closer look.

One picture was of Joel and Ellie. You recognized the Jackson stables, so you knew it was a more recent photo. The other photo you picked up to study. It was Joel, much younger, with a girl that didn’t look any older than Ellie, she was wearing a soccer uniform and holding a trophy, both happy and smiling. You ran your fingers over the faces, your heart pulling a little.

“That would be Sarah.”

The deep timbre of Joel’s voice startled you, and you turned to see him leaning against the doorframe. You wondered how long he had been there. “She’s beautiful,” you said, putting the frame back in its spot with slightly shaky hands. You took a step away from the dresser, knowing you’d been caught seeing a part of Joel you had no right in seeing. You suddenly felt like an intruder.

“Sorry,” you apologized. “I was just giving myself the tour.”

Joel waved you off. “I ain’t bothered,” he said, pushing away from the doorway and walking up next to you. You felt hyper-aware of him beside you, watched as he picked up the frame from where you placed it. “Her team just won the tournament. Helluva long day.” 

You drew in a breath. “This is a lot for me,” you found yourself confessing, looking up to meet his eyes, not sure what you expected to see.

Joel studied you for a long moment then he returned the picture to its spot. “Tommy and Maria ain’t here yet, and Esther’s got Ellie busy on some kind of casserole. Ya still got time to sneak out the window.”

For a moment, you’re concerned, but then you catch the smile that teased the corner of his mouth. 

“You’re making fun of me.”

“Just a little.” Joel tilted up his chin in the direction of the stairs. “C’mon whaddya say we find you a drink? Yeah?"

You gave him a shaky smile. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

***

You watched as the other dinner guests mingled in the living room. Things were going nicely enough. Ellie had invited a few friends, one being Jesse. Tommy and Maria were there. Both had been surprised to see you. Tommy had greeted you with a kiss to the cheek, Maria an awkward hug, then Tommy went to find Joel and Maria had gone to help Esther in the kitchen.

Needing more fortification against your nerves, you tossed back what was left of the whiskey in your glass. As you waited for the fiery liquid to hit your stomach, someone lifted the glass out of your hand and replaced it with another.

“Thought you could use a refresher,” Tommy said, sidling up beside you.

“Thanks,” you said, taking a sip and immediately pausing. You eyed Tommy. He could not be serious. “Water? Really?”

He shrugged his shoulder. “Dinner hasn’t even started yet, Birdy. Humor me.” 

Maybe you were getting ahead of yourself. You sighed. “Okay.” Leave it to Tommy to be the one to look after you, knowing how frazzled you could get. The man would never quit.

“Surprised to see you here,” Tommy said, taking a drink from his glass. “I won’t deny it, lil’ bit curious. What finally got you out to one of these soirees?”

You motioned toward Ellie, huddled with her friends, her face lit up with laughter. “Ellie. That girl is constantly calling me out. She won’t let up.”

Tommy laughed. “Hell, if I’d known all it took was some teenager to bully you around, I’d have put you on the learning patrol ages ago.”

Esther came out of the kitchen, followed by Maria carrying a tray of food.

“Okay, everyone, dinner time.”

“That’s our queue,” Tommy said, bumping your shoulder playfully before heading into the dining room. 

Entering the dining room, you found the table was set up beautifully, covered with a white tablecloth littered with candles and flowers. The food looked and smelled incredible. Esther had pulled it off, who knew she was such a domestic. You figured she must be pulling out all the stops.

The seating around the table was a little tight with the rather large group. When everyone finally located their seats, you found yourself sandwiched between Joel and Jesse, literally rubbing elbows with them both. 

Ellie spoke a few words, making a point to thank Esther and Joel for their hard work, and Maria managed to look a little sheepish. Then they started the time old tradition of going around the table and stating what you were thankful for.

You tried listening, but you were distracted by a tingling of awareness whenever your arm brushed against Joel’s. You really needed to get ahold of yourself. Maybe if you scooted your chair -

“Birdy?” Joel said, covering your hand under the table with his.

You’re startled by the sound of your name but even more by the warmth of his hand.

You gazed up swiftly, meeting his eyes, you saw amusement in them. “Would you like to take a turn?” he asked, giving your hand a firm squeeze.

You stared, trying to make sense of what he was saying. Then it began to dawn on you where you were, and you blinked as you suddenly remembered. Everyone around the table looked at you expectantly, utterly unaware of where Joel’s hand was, just waiting for you to finish so they could begin to eat. 

_Shit._ “Oh, um, let’s see, I use to have two,” you said, racking your brain. You closed your eyes, trying to focus. Joel’s thumb moved over your knuckles in a gentle caress, and you got the feeling he was trying to comfort you, but little did he know it had the opposite effect. You let out a shaky sigh. “Okay, this is a Virginia Woolf quote.” You opened your eyes and found Ellie, focused on her bright smile as she watched you. “One cannot think well, love well, sleep well if one has not dined well.” You raised your glass, and everyone at the table followed before you continued. “Thank you, Ellie, for this dinner and for being my friend.”

Everyone murmured their concurrence and clinked glasses, and you grinned at the embarrassed smile on Ellie’s reddening face.

Pleased by Ellie’s reaction, you’d almost forgotten Joel was still holding your hand until you felt him give it another squeeze. You looked up to meet his gaze expecting to see his gratitude. Instead, you were taken aback by a seriousness in them that caused your breath to catch, and your pulse to jump.

“Wait! Hold up!” 

Your eyes darted away, and you quickly pulled her hand out of Joel's as everyone quieted down, turning to Ellie, who looked at you expectantly. “What’s the other one?”

You looked around the table but avoided Joel. “Ah, oh! To Thanksgiving the once a year feast, I haven’t much to say for this holiday. So lets just shut up and eat.”

The room filled with laughter, but you were flustered, looking down at the plate in front of you. Your head buzzing, you just managed to hear Joel clear his throat before addressing the table.

“You heard the lady, let’s dig in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a little longer to get through. Funny thing, though, because I just read an update on another fic, and they also wrote about Thanksgiving!  
> 
> 
> If you haven't yet, go check it out - [**Blind To It All**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25133533) by [**bannering**](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bannering)
> 
> Anyways, I hope this isn't too much of a mess. (I googled those Thanksgiving quotes) In the next chapter, we're off to a dance!


	7. Chapter 7

New Years Eve

The snowstorm had threatened the skies above Jackson until late afternoon when the sky finally opened up, and the heavy snow began to fall. That still hadn’t stopped bundled up party-goers from trudging through thickening snow against the chilling wind to ring in the new year properly.

Inside the church, the decorating committee had done its job, transforming the space for the occasion with streamers and fairy lights. The pews pushed to the sides, making room for dancing and mingling, along a wall banquet tables were still filled with food after several hours of celebration. 

It was nearing midnight, and several musicians sat in a semi-circle playing to the crowd that gathered to watch. Joel sat among them, playing a guitar he had only just finished refurbishing a week earlier. The crowd stomped and clapped in time with the music, cheerin’ and hollerin’ their encouragement as the group played.

The song ended with a burst of applause. Joel set down the guitar, leaning it against the chair as he stood, shaking the hands of the other musicians as the room filled with music from the church’s sound system.

Tommy came up to him, a grin on his face, and clapped his hand on Joel’s shoulder. “Sounded great, Joel.”

Joel gave his brother a sheepish grin. “Thanks, Tommy.”

He was still rusty, but that hadn’t stopped him from joining the impromptu jam session after being invited by the town’s troubadour, Gustavo. He’d only started playing again when he began his lessons with Ellie. After so many years, it surprised him how easily it was coming back. 

Joel located the beer that he’d set down earlier and took a long pull. He scanned the room for Ellie, finding her surrounded by her friends, watched her as she laughed, all smiles. It was moments like this that brought to mind the past and reminded him of Sarah, and that pain that he held deep in his heart. Another year was about to start, another year without her, but he had Ellie, and after everything they’d been through, Jackson had finally won them over with its promise of a new beginning. Joel shook his head, unsettling the melancholy that was starting to set in. Maybe he’d had a little too much to drink.

Joel continued to look around the room until he found her. 

He swore to himself that he’d steer clear of Birdy, and yet he’d made note of her every move the entire night. What was it about that woman? He still didn’t know what had come over him during Thanksgiving dinner, but all his good intentions had started to go out the window the moment he touched her hand. He’d been drawn in by the vulnerability she’d shown when she’d given her toast, but when her eyes met his all warm and honest he’d wanted to kiss her right there in front of everyone, and the last thing she wanted from him was to be pulled away from the table and hauled straight up to his bed. So, it had been awkward and aside from the occasional pass this or hand me that, they’d hardly spoken to each other during the entire meal, and it hadn’t surprised him when she’d disappeared shortly after it ended.

Predictably, she hadn’t been on the dance floor too often, Joel guessed a handful of times, once with Eugene, once with Jesse, and several times with Ellie and her friend Dina. Other men had approached her, and the possessive male in him couldn’t have been more happy than when she turned each offer down with an apologetic smile. He liked seeing her smile, and she’d been doing a lot of it all night, no doubt the alcohol and whatever she and Eugene snuck off to do, though he had a pretty good guess, had loosened her up.

Joel brought up his bottle of beer to his lips and watched as one man specifically made another approach, his third, and each time with a drink that she’d politely accept. He decided he’d finally had enough of this particular fella.

He set his bottle down before he crossed the room in long, purposeful strides getting to her just as she was about to deny the sap for the third time. Birdy’s eyes snapped to him, he held her gaze as he slid the glass out of her hand, took a healthy swallow before setting it down on the table beside her. “C’mon, darlin,” he drawled. “This dance is mine.” 

Not giving her the chance to rebuff him like she’d done with the others, he took her hand and led her to the dance floor.

Birdy slightly stumbled as Joel pulled her in. She was stiff in his arms as his hand settled on the small of her back, his fingers curled around the hand he held to his chest. “Joel. I don’t think this is a good idea.”

Joel thought it was a perfectly fine idea. She fit perfectly against him as he swayed her gently to the music. “Easy now,” he said, his voice low, trying to coax her into relaxing. “Just a dance, Birdy. I don’t bite.” He felt her tremble beneath his touch, and not being able to help himself, he leaned down closer, his breath on her hair. “That is unless you say please.”

He felt her tense. Maybe he was pushing it, but he was tired of beating around the bush.

“You’re teasing me,” she said as she lifted her head to look up at him. He saw the conflicting emotion in her eyes. “What would Esther say?”

Joel leaned back frowning at her. “And how does Esther figure into this?”

Her eyes narrowed. “So, Esther’s not around. It’s okay to cheat on her?” she said, lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Joel said, stopping their dance abruptly. He glanced around to see if anyone was paying attention to them then back to Birdy, keeping his own voice low. “Last I checked, Esther and I weren't married.” 

Her eyes shifted nervously. “Maybe not legally, but you two are together.” 

That was news to him. While he enjoyed Esther’s company occasionally, and he’d admit to fooling around a few times. Still, nothing more than some heavy neckin', something had always prevented him from taking it further. If not for the storm, tonight would have been the first time seeing Esther since he’d walked her to her cousin’s house after Thanksgiving dinner. 

“It ain’t like that between me and Esther,” Joel said, hedging. They were friends, or so he thought, but maybe he hadn’t paid close enough attention. He’d have to clear that up, but first, he had to clear things up with the woman in front of him. “That what you thought?”

Birdy seemed a little disgruntled. “Well, yes. And why wouldn’t there be? Esther’s perfect,” she added. “You go to the dam…”

Joel drew his brows together. “Pardon?”

Birdy lifted her chin to him. “She’d take care of you, Joel. She’s the kind of woman you can - should make a future with.”

Jesus. And he thought Tommy was bad. Starting to feel a little testy, Joel grabbed Birdy by the arms, forcing her to look at him. He needed her to understand, and maybe it was time they both heard it.

“Esther ain’t who I think about.” 

“10...9...8…,” The countdown had begun as everyone around them began to count in unison.

Birdy shook her head. “Joel, you shouldn’t - “

Joel sensed the shift in her as if she might finally be giving in to what he believed to be inevitable. He slid his hand up along her arm, along the curve of her neck until his fingers tangled in her hair. Her eyes widened and her breath caught, but she didn’t push him away. Instead, he felt her hand on his chest, bunching the fabric in her fist. 

His gaze dropped to her mouth, and he pulled in a deep breath. “Ah, hell,” he muttered as he pulled her up to him, his lips meeting hers. 

The kiss started simple enough, but when Birdy sighed into his mouth, he struggled, liking it too much. His tongue slipped between her parted lips, tasted her sweetness. He felt her go soft against him, her tongue joining his in a dance, slow and tender that sent a wave of heat through him. Before he could deepen the kiss, the sound of the horns and bells of raucous revelers forced him to remember where they were, on the dance floor in the church, and surrounded by a good portion of Jackson’s residents.

Joel pulled away and looked at Birdy, pleased to see he wasn’t the only one to feel the Earth had tilted on its axis. 

“Holy shit!” He heard Ellie’s voice echo his thoughts from somewhere nearby. Birdy must have heard it too because, in the next moment, he was forced to take a few steps back as she pushed away from him, and then she was gone. 

Joel stood there and watched as the crowd reformed where she’d just parted it. He turned to face Ellie, finding her staring at him with her eyes bugged out like one of those stress toys. Her friend Dina stood next to her, giggling in her ear. 

Joel let out a frustrated sigh. Fuck...

***

You had somehow managed to get to the coat closet. Your hands were shaking, and your breath was coming in unsteady rasps as you rummaged through an assortment of winter coats looking for your jacket. You might have run straight out the front door if there hadn’t been a storm carrying on outside, the prospect of freezing to death before you reached your room at the motel, the only thing dissuading you.

What the fuck just happened? What just happened was Joel Miller kissed you and sent you spiraling into a place that terrified you. Your hand went to your mouth, and your fingertips brushed your lips as if trying to recapture the sensation. It had been soft and sweet, and something that felt like forever.

Defeated, you dropped your head against a rack of coats. “What have you done?” you muttered into the slippery sleeve of a jacket.

You heard footsteps enter the space, braced yourself to face Joel. You could do this, had been your mantra for some time. You turned around, instead of seeing Joel you’re surprised to find Maria standing there.

“Birdy.”

“Maria,” you replied, then waited, the stretched out silence between you at odds with the sounds of the festivities in the background.

There was no missing the flinty look in her sharp blue eyes. Your objective had been to leave and with Maria delaying that you decided to speed things up. “You obviously have something to say, so maybe you should just say it.” 

You had never held anything against Maria. All those years ago, when you, Tommy, and Eugene had first arrived in Jackson, you knew then that she had taken an immediate liking to Tommy. Jackson was barely formed, and Tommy took to it enthusiastically, throwing himself into the work and planning. He’d worked closely with Maria’s father then, and they’d spent a lot of time together. And when Tommy had left, she’d blamed you, and when he returned, she’d picked up the pieces. She did not hold you in high regard, and for the last three years, had mastered the art of ignoring you for the most part.

Maria cleared her throat. “Look, I wouldn’t normally do this, but I need to know. What’s going on between you and Joel?”

“What?”

“I just want an answer.”

She’d seen the kiss, and now you wondered if Tommy had as well. You suddenly felt colder than the weather outside at the thought of Tommy confronting Joel. “Maria, I think you’re jumping to some conclusions here,” you said and oddly hated denying what you felt for Joel. “There is nothing going on between Joel and me.”

“Listen, Birdy. I’m just gonna be straight with you,” she said evenly, but you saw the flicker in her eye. She clearly didn’t want to have this conversation with you. “Joel’s been doing well in Jackson, and I don’t want to see that ruined, not by you.”

You felt the sting of that, and maybe you should feel angry about it, you didn’t. “It was just a kiss, Maria,” you said, and not just to Maria. “Everyone’s had a little too much to drink.” You forced a laugh. “It’s new years for Christ’s sake.”

Maria crossed her arms, her expression unconvinced. “That’s the story you’re going with?”

“Maria - “

Maria cut you off. “After what happened with Tommy? With Aiden?”

“Aiden was not - “

Maria held up her hands in a placating gesture. “Look, it doesn’t matter,” she said. “I have a responsibility, not only to Tommy but to Esther. We both know the only reason you’re still here is because of Tommy.”

That hard truth sat in your belly like bad indigestion. Not that Maria was telling you anything that you hadn’t already known, but having it confirmed hurt in an unexpected way.

“Tell me to leave, Maria, and I’ll leave, regardless of what Tommy wants,” you snapped.

Maria stared at you, and you think she just might say it. Instead, she says in a tone that brooked no argument. “No. You’ve earned your right to stay here, and I won’t deny that. But I need you to think about what you’re doing and who you’re doing it to.”

And with that Maria turned and left. After a moment of pause, you quickly located your coat and got the hell out of there.

***

The fresh snow glistened in the late morning sun as the horses plodded at a lazy pace. The storm had passed through overnight, and with the sun already bright in the sky, the snow had already begun to melt, clumps of it falling off the boughs of trees as the group moved along the trail.

A significant drop of water hit the top of your beanie, and you swatted away at the wetness. You looked ahead of you at the five teens on horses, Ellie among them. 

This being their first patrol, they were understandably excited, so there had been a lot of chatter amongst them while preparing their horses before getting on the trail. You hadn’t missed the quick glances, at you, between Ellie and Dina. It was only a matter of time before Ellie said something, and you were dreading it.

Earlier you had run into Joel and Tommy in the stables, they'd been preparing their own horses. Neither let on that anything had changed. Tommy complained of a headache while Joel talked to Eugene.

“Dude. Joel, man, we know what we’re doing,” Eugene said, giving Joel a long suffering look. “Me and Birdy know these trails better than anyone. We got this.”

You felt Joel look at you then. Since meeting in the stables, the two of you had only shared a greeting. Joel gave no indication that he wanted to remind you of the night before. So, rather than pretend that you hadn’t been listening, you turned to meet his gaze. You can see he’s nervous, and no matter that you’d been up most of the morning trying to figure out a way to avoid whatever it was that was between the two of you, his concern for Ellie just endeared you more to him.

“We’re not going far. Just up the ridge, and you know we had a patrol sweep the area just the other day. Ellie will be safe,” you said reassuringly before adding with a smile. “As will everyone else.”

Joel nodded with his own half-smile, clearly abashed. “Alright.”

“Alright,” Tommy said, coming up behind Joel, slapping his hand down on his shoulder, giving his brother a sideways look. “Damn, Joel. I'd forgotten what a mother hen you could be.”

Joel growled at that, literally growled, and you couldn’t help the giggle that came out. Joel’s gaze came back to you, and your belly flipped at the warmth you saw in them, immediately taking you back to the night before and the kiss. 

“We better get a move on, or we won’t make it to the dam before noon,” Tommy said, not realizing the effect of his words, that effect being like someone had dumped a bucket of ice cold water over you. 

You saw Joel hesitate a moment before looking away and following Tommy. 

Another fat wet drop hit your head.

“How the hell did we get this detail?”

You shook your head and looked at Eugene riding along beside you. You hadn’t heard a thing he’d said the last five minutes.

“Uh, I think it’s Tommy trying to be funny,” you said and hoped Eugene didn’t catch on that you’d fazed him out.

“Well, ha, ha,” Eugene replied before nudging his horse forward. You watched as he made his way toward the front of the group. “Alright, kiddos, time to stop with the chatter. Patrol is a serious business. Oh, look - deer!”

You shook your head and smiled. 

With Eugene in the lead, the group rode the trail single file along the ridge with you bringing up the rear.

The trail ride had been uneventful. With no infected being encountered, the patrol had turned into more of a nature excursion with Eugene educating them on the migration corridors of the mule deer and the various forms and characteristics of trees, to different species of bird. They’d had lunch in the meadow and watered the horses along the creek before making the trek back. 

You were actually impressed with Eugene’s ability to hold the group’s attention, he was a natural teacher, with an inappropriate joke thrown in here and there. 

It wasn’t until they were headed back to Jackson that Ellie decided to make her move. When the trail finally opened up, Ellie slowed her horse until she was riding alongside you. 

You looked at her and smiled. “So, how was your first patrol?”

“Uh, pretty cool,” Ellie said, smiling. “So much better than farming rotation.”

You chuckled at that, and then the two of you continued to ride in companionable silence for a while until Ellie spoke up. 

“So, ah, are you in love with Joel?”

“Ellie!”

Ellie ignored you, and started in enthusiastically. “Birdy, that kiss was fucking off the charts!” 

Your brow arched as you gave her a skeptical look. “And how would you know what off the charts kissing is?”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “I know what kissing is Birdy. I mean yeah, it was weird seeing Joel kiss -“

“Ellie. It was just a new year’s kiss. You know- the tradition.”

“Uh huh, yeah sure,” Ellie said, unconvinced. “I’ve got eyes. It’s Esther, right?”

“Um,” you started.

Ellie, not hearing you continued. “Dina heard some people talking, and they were saying poor Esther...”

Oh, wonderful, you thought. That kiss will no doubt seal your fate as the town’s harlot.

Ellie went on. “You know, I can talk to Joel - “

“No!” You screeched, the shrill sound startling your horse. It jerked beneath you, trying to decide if it wanted to buck you off. “Woah, woah…” you said, patting her neck, settling her down. “Easy, girl.”

“You okay back there?” That was Eugene. You looked up to see the group had stopped ahead of you and Ellie, concern on their faces.

You waved. “We’re okay,” you called out.

Eugene shrugged his shoulder and then turned his horse and continued.

You and Ellie got your horses moving again, following behind the group.

“Ellie, please don’t talk to Joel about this,” you said, practically pleading. And even though it meant a lot to you that Ellie wasn’t opposed to the idea of you and Joel, you needed her to understand that it wasn’t going to happen. “It was just a kiss.”

Ellie let out an exaggerated sigh. “Okay, okay,” she said defeated but then just as quickly perked up again. She looked at you with a smile, but her eyes had a devious look in them. “But only if you come watch a movie. And before you say anything, Joel’s gone. He went to the dam.”

That’s right. You let out your own sigh at being reminded. 

Maybe watching a movie with Ellie is just what you needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a little longer than usual. I was trying to decide where to end. Next chapter - movie night.  
> Oh, and I do love Maria, and she's got her reasons.


	8. Chapter 8

“Birdy?”

You had not expected to see Joel, so you had not prepared yourself for the possibility of seeing Joel. Joel, was supposed to be at the dam, doing dam things. Joel, was not supposed to be behind you.

You took a steadying breath before you slowly turned away from Ellie’s door and faced the man that had been persistent in your thoughts throughout the day. He was standing on his back porch, holding the backdoor open and watching you.

“Oh, hey, Joel,” you said, trying to sound like, of course, Joel would be at his own house, and no, you weren’t surprised he was there. “I was looking for Ellie. We were going to watch a movie.”

“Ah. We’re just about to start,” Joel said, his eyes squinted in confusion. “Didn’t realize Ellie’d invited anyone.”

“Well if this is a bad time - “

“Birdy!” Ellie’s voice shouted from the door, and then her face suddenly appeared behind Joel. “Finally. I thought you weren’t going to come. C’mon, popcorn’s ready.” And she disappeared just as quickly.

You hadn’t meant to be late. After the patrol training, you’d been persuaded into helping out with moving equipment out of the barn from an area due for repair. That endeavor had taken the rest of the afternoon, leaving you just enough time to get a shower in before coming over.

“I thought you were at the dam?” you asked Joel as you made your way up the stairs.

Joel held the door open for you. “Route was blocked. Couldn’t get through, so we turned back,” he said as you walked by into the kitchen. He followed you in. “We’ll be taking a crew tomorrow when we head back out.”

“Hey,” Ellie said, then grabbed a bowl of popcorn and headed out of the kitchen. 

You quickly followed her out to the living room. Ellie put her bowl down on an ottoman that sat in front of an oversized armchair before moving over to kneel in front of the tv.

“Ellie, I thought we were watching at your place,” you said, keeping your voice low, glancing quickly to make sure Joel hadn’t followed.

Ellie looked up at you. At least she managed to look a little chagrined. “I didn’t know he was gonna be here, Birdy. Don’t worry. I haven’t said anything.”

Well, that was a relief. And okay, you knew you couldn’t be upset at Ellie, and maybe it was ridiculous to think she’d planned an act of nature that would force Joel to turn around and be back in time to watch a movie in his own house.

You glanced around the room, noting that aside from the armchair with the ottoman, there was only a small couch in the room.

“Well, let me sit there,” you said, motioning at the armchair.

“What? No way, that’s my spot,” Ellie said, putting a disc into the DVD player. “Prime seating location.”

Before you could respond, Joel walked in carrying his own bowl of popcorn. He looked between the two of you. “Ah, we ready? Birdy, you need a drink or somethin’?”

You wondered how he could look so relaxed while you stood there filled with so much inner turmoil you weren’t sure how you managed to stay standing. “Uh, no, I’m good, thanks,” you kinda squeaked out. Your plan had been avoidance, not spend an entire evening with Joel. He was supposed to be at the dam with Esther.

You watched him take a seat at the end of the couch closest to the tv and wondered why he didn’t have a full-size sofa. He propped his socked feet on the coffee table, leaned back, settling in to watch the movie, the bowl of popcorn in his lap. He tossed some popcorn in his mouth, then looked up at you and smiled as he chewed. 

_Okay..._

You kinda stood there frozen to the spot, and you might have started to sit down on the arm of Ellie’s armchair, but then she pushed your hip.

“Birdy,” Ellie said, breaking into your dazed state. She retook her seat and pulled her own popcorn bowl into her lap. “Go sit down. It’s about to start.” 

Just a night watching a movie. You could do this, you told yourself. You walked over to the couch and sat down. It was surprisingly roomy and comfy as you settled yourself in the corner.

Joel held out the bowl of popcorn to you. You waved it away with a shaky smile. He turned back toward the tv. He made no mention that there was plenty of room or that you still had on your coat. 

You needed to get out of your own head.

You closed your eyes, took another steadying breath, and forced yourself to relax then. When you opened your eyes, the opening scene of the movie started and you focused on that.

By midway through, you found yourself deeply vested in the plot of the movie. It was heavy on the action with a shoehorned in romance, but that still didn’t keep you from worrying about the futures of the two main stars, little gasps had escaped you at every moment of peril. At some point, you’d taken off your shoes and jacket, and sat with your feet curled under you as you hugged a pillow to your chest. Shortly after the movie had begun, it became apparent that Joel and Ellie had had multiple viewings of this particular movie, there was a lot of snarky comments tossed between the two, and at one point you had to shush them, which amused them both.

In a strangely odd way, it had become comfortable. 

After the two mains had escaped a particularly tense situation, you let out a relieved sigh. As you relaxed, you unintentionally stretched out your legs until your feet butted up against the side of Joel’s thigh. At the contact, you tried to pull your feet away quickly, but Joel captured them in his hands and pulled them into his lap, forcing you to adjust your seating position. He did this while not looking away from the movie.

You tried pulling your feet away, but he held them more firmly, and just when you were about to say something, the warm pressure of his hands around one foot effectively silenced you. His thumbs pressed into your arch, while his fingers rubbed the top. His touch was firm yet gentle, and you had no choice but to relax as you literally melted into the couch. You scooted forward a bit to give him better access to your feet. When you realized what you’d done, you looked up at his profile. He still hadn’t looked at you, his eyes on the TV, but you didn’t miss the satisfied smile on his lips. When he’d thoroughly massaged the one foot, he moved to the next and repeated the motions, all the tension in your body slowly oozed out.

With all the stress leaving your body, you found yourself not caring anymore. You lay your head back against the cushioned arm of the couch and watched the movie. 

You blinked awake when Ellie got up and walked out of the room. Joel was no longer massaging your feet but still held them in his hands. You started to push yourself up, withdrawing your foot from his lap when you hit a spot on his side and he jerked. You arched a brow at that. He remained focused on the TV.

Testing a theory, you extended your foot, using your toes to poke him in the side. He jerked again, but this time grabbed her foot and looked at you. “Would you quit it?” he said, giving you a stern look that had no heat behind it.

Sitting up, you pulled your feet under you. You tried to hold back the smile that threatened your lips, and for the first time in a long time, you felt giddy, not scared or worried about what would happen next. It was like finding a clue to a hidden treasure. You moved up on your knees and leaned toward him. “You ticklish, Joel?”

“I ain’t ticklish,” he shot back in that low drawl that reverberated around you.

You took this as a personal challenge. You leaned over, and he gave you a quick glance before you gave him a quick tickle under the armpit. If you hadn’t been looking at him so intently, you might have missed the slight jerk as he held himself still. He shook his head a hint of a grin on his lips, but that didn’t stop you as you poked his side, then another poke in another spot. Then without hesitation, you tickled him both under the armpit and the side under the ribs. Joel let out an unexpected laugh, the sound catching you totally off guard. Your eyes went wide in disbelief, and then you laughed. This surprised you both.

Feeling bold you went for another attempt, this time Joel blocked you, grabbed your feet, and pulled you toward him, the momentum making you fall back onto the couch. Before you could react, he threw himself bodily on top of you. It took you a moment to grasp the predicament you were in, Joel’s elbows propped on either side of your head, his eyes searched yours as you caught your breath. A new feeling swept over you as you marveled in the feel of his weight on you, and when his gaze dropped to your mouth, your breath hitched. His thumb brush along your jaw and then over your bottom lip, your eyes half-lidded, lost in the feeling of being surrounded by him. 

You tilted her jaw up, ready to meet his lips when Ellie yelled from the kitchen. “Hey, I just remembered I need to go pick up something.”

Joel raised himself slightly off you but not enough for you to move. “Where you headed off to, kiddo? What about this movie?” he yelled back.

“Just running to Jesse’s. You guys keep watching.”

The two of you listen for the backdoor to close. When it did, Joel looked back down at you, and your heart skipped a beat. His hazel eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled. You brought one hand up and set it against his bearded cheek, and your fingers pulled slightly at the whiskers there. He leaned into your touch, and just as he closed his eyes, you moved your other hand between you and tickled him under the ribs.

Joel jumped back out of reach, shaking his head. “You play dirty, woman,” he said, then paused a moment and seemed to consider something at length before he cleared his throat and moved back to his spot on the couch. “We best finish up this movie.” He went back to watching the movie but not before taking your feet and setting them back in his lap.

“Okay,” you said, confused by the abrupt change. You’re still lying down on the couch, so you turned to your side, grabbed the pillow that had fallen on the floor, holding it close to your chest while you propped your chin on it. Glancing between Joel and the TV, you wondered what happened but then told yourself not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Soon you stopped glancing his way and returned to just watching the movie. 

Joel began rubbing your feet again, and it wasn’t long before your eyes drooped, and you succumbed to sleep.

***

The horses packed down the snow under their hooves as they moved over the snow-filled trail. The group was geared with tools for clearing the downed trees Joel and Tommy had come across the day before. Joel had wanted more than four men, but there hadn’t been any more to spare. The faster they got the trail cleared, the faster he could get to the dam and have that talk with Esther. He wasn’t relishing the idea of doing it, but it needed to be done.

He'd been feeling antsy all morning. He should have remembered what life in a small town was like, especially one as small as Jackson, and that it would be considered an engagement being seen with the same woman more than two times, no matter what he’d thought they’d agreed to. It had been his own damn fault things had gotten so mixed up. He didn’t want to hurt Esther, and he was sure she’d understand once he explained things to her. She had always been a straight speaking woman, one of the things he admired about her. In some ways, she had reminded him of Tess, but in hindsight, that had been his mistake.

There could only be one Tess, and the only thing Tess had expected was loyalty, but the woman had been anything but soft. Tess came and went as she pleased, he didn’t doubt that she’d had others, and he hadn't minded for the most part. Of course, there were times when his ego had been bruised, but sentimental attachments were a crutch, a fact Tess herself often reminded him of. Their partnership had been more about filling a need. Tess needed him to have her back, and he’d needed her to get by day by day. Not that he wasn’t her favorite, another fact she’d like to remind him of. 

He thought about what Birdy had said about joining the Fireflies as something to do, maybe that’d been his life as a smuggler in Boston, just something to do. Now it was just another chapter in his life to put away. That was how he survived.

Joel thought about Birdy. Last night he’d gotten a real look behind that wall she put up, and he found himself wanting more, confounded by how affected he could be by one woman. He'd laid in his bed and thought about what that meant. 

Movement caught his eye, and Joel looked over at Tommy adjusting something tied to his saddle. Tommy had been in a mood since they’d met up in the stables earlier that morning. He figured maybe something had happened between him and Maria.

“What’s going on with you, Tommy?”

Tommy drew in a long breath as if he’d been dreading that question all morning. “It true Birdy left your house this morning?” he asked.

That’s not what Joel had expected. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered, swallowing down the annoyance he felt. He then looked at Tommy. “You keeping tabs on me, little brother?” 

“You wanna tell me what’s going on between you and her?” Tommy pressed.

Joel despised gossip, so he wanted to nip this in the bud. “Not that it’s anyone’s goddamn business, but Ellie had her over for a movie. She fell asleep on the couch.”

It was the truth. Birdy had fallen asleep before the movie had ended, and he’d decided not to wake her. Instead, he’d finished the movie and then found a blanket, covered her up, and went to his own bed. When he’d come down this morning he'd found that she’d left. What he didn’t share with Tommy was the disappointment he’d felt seeing that empty couch with the blanket folded neatly on top.

Hell, the only reason he hadn’t taken Birdy to his bed or even kissed her was that he first needed to talk to Esther. He owed the woman that much. And though he didn’t have a clue where things were going with Birdy, he knew for damn sure he didn’t want it dirtied up by some horseshit rumors.

Which made Tommy’s accusation get under his skin in a bad way. Maybe it was time they had this conversation. 

“What’s the deal with you two anyway?”

That seemed to trigger something. “Drop it, Joel,” Tommy warned. “There ain’t no deal.” 

Joel scoffed. “The more days go by around here, the more I find that harder to swallow.”

Tommy met Joel’s gaze then. “And what about Esther? All this talk is gonna get back to her.” 

Joel knew Tommy was deflecting and he wasn't gonna take the bite. “Esther can take care of herself, Tommy,” he said, and it was something he truly believed. “But that ain’t who we’re talking about.”

Tommy sighed as he considered the question. Joel thought he might have even deflated a little. ‘Look, me and Birdy, we got some history. That’s all in the past now. I’m just looking out for her.” 

“Alright. And you figure she needs protectin’ from me?” Joel looked at his younger brother for a reaction but didn’t get one, so he pushed. “And what’s Maria got to say about this history of yours and all this brotherly concern?” 

At Joel’s insinuating tone, Tommy looked straight at him, his eyes narrowed, and his nostrils flared. “Maria knows. There ain’t no secrets if that’s what you’re gettin’ at,” he said. 

No, Joel didn’t imagine anything was going on between Tommy and Birdy, but he suddenly felt uneasy at the thought that maybe that wasn’t on account of Tommy. Tommy nudged his horse to move ahead. “How ‘bout we just ride and not talk for a bit.” 

“Probably a good idea,” Joel agreed, looking down he noticed his free hand was clenched in a fist and shook it. He had a lot to think on anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo! Chapter 8! I am totally doing a happy dance. Only three more chapters to this first part, yes there are two parts...sorry, not sorry.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with it and hope you're enjoying!


	9. Chapter 9

Four months later.

You adjusted your seat in the saddle as you surveyed the crossing ahead of you. The rivers had begun to open up with the spring thaw, and the creeks flowed near full. Though there was always the threat of a late snowstorm, the air was warm and fresh, the smell of pine all around as trees loomed large overhead. After miles of being out on the road, you took solace in that it was finally coming to an end. 

When you and Eugene had packed camp that morning, you hoped to reach Jackson by the end of the day. You were eager to see Ellie again, no doubt she had worried, and Tommy had probably pulled out all his hair by now, but nervous butterflies made their way in your gut at the thought of seeing Joel again. With summer fast approaching, New Year seemed a dim memory in your mind. The night spent watching a movie with Joel and Ellie, a nice fuzzy dream that you’d recalled nearly every night you’d been gone. Your mind was muddled with thoughts. You still had no idea what you were going to do, and after being gone so long, you wondered if it was even in your hands anymore. 

Who would have known the morning you’d woken up on Joel’s couch that the next day you’d find yourself on a 300-mile journey away from Jackson.

But that’s exactly what had happened. Tommy and Joel had returned late in the day with news from the dam, the route had been cleared, but the dam needed repair, chiefly some circuitry in the control boards for the spillway gates were starting to malfunction. And while they’d been able to engineer some patches, a more permanent replacement was needed.

Maria had called a meeting informing everyone of the issues faced with the loss of power, Jackson could be left in the dark, and their defenses weakened without the electric fence. She had asked for volunteers, and that’s when things had taken a turn. It wasn’t a trip anyone wanted to make, with the nearest dam already stripped of parts years prior, they’d have to travel even further east over the Rockies in the middle of winter. Eugene had been the first to volunteer. He had experience with the electronics of the dam and would be able to recognize what they needed. Of course, his age came into question, but when it came down to it, everyone gathered either had families or had already struggled just getting to Jackson and had no desire to go back out into the wide-open world, and that’s when you stepped forward. 

Tommy had been the most vocal against the idea, with Joel proposing that he go with you, but they’d both reluctantly backed down in the end. Tommy needed to be there if things went south, and Joel needed to be there for Ellie. Everyone agreed that only two should go, making it easier to go unseen and travel more quickly. Maria finally ended the discussion, reminding everyone that you and Eugene were both well trained, there was no good argument for why you shouldn’t go. Maria then dismissed those that had gathered, and then Joel had left without a word or look, leaving you confused and slightly disappointed.

You didn’t see him until the next morning when he and Ellie met you at the stables to see you off.

“I tried talking Joel into letting me go,” Ellie told you, exasperated by Joel’s apparent refusal.

Joel responded with a shake of his head. His expression guarded, you hadn’t been able to tell what he was thinking by looking at his face, but merely seeing him had made your heart race, and you were glad for the chance before you left.

You sighed and looked at Ellie fondly. “Ellie, I don’t have a family, so it just makes sense that I go,” you pointed out. “It won’t be for long. You just keep an eye on things, and on Joel, yeah?” You put your hand on top of her head and ruffled the hair with your fingers.

“Yeah, alright. It’s still bullshit,” Ellie said, giving you a little shove, though it was playful. You were glad to see her rallying from her disappointment.

Joel took a step toward you then, reached out, and took your hand. You looked down at his fingers linked firmly with yours. “Birdy, look at me,” he said, his voice rough. Finding it suddenly difficult to meet his eyes, you hesitated before you eventually looked up. He stared at you long and hard, and you wondered if he would try to stop you from going. But he didn’t. He made a rough sound in his throat. “Just...uh, be careful out there. Stay alert. And don’t go takin’ any unnecessary risks, ya hear me?”

You nodded your head as you squeezed his fingers, your gaze cutting between both Joel and Ellie. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

What had started as a month-long excursion had stretched into four. The trip had been slow going, especially when the weather hindered your progress. Then you and Eugene had run into a horde that kept you in place for days while it passed, with stragglers being a constant threat after. But once you’d made it to the high plains, travel became a little easier. Unfortunately, you’d had to visit two dams before Eugene could find anything useful, extending the trip even more. When two months had passed, Eugene had reassured you that Jackson had enough to jimmy rig what it needed to keep the power going if it came down to it, but with every obstacle came the discouraging thought you’d never make it back.

It had been too much to hope that the two of you would be able to make your return to Jackson without any further interference. With the slightly warming weather came more activity on the road, and a roving group of bandits had gotten the jump on you, luckily they were a small group, and you managed to escape but not before Eugene was injured and his horse lost. This setback had cut down on the number of miles you could travel, and by the time you’d started taking to the hills again, Eugene’s injured leg had become infected.

After the bandit attack, you had skirted the highway, mainly staying in the woods just in case there were others. This led you to a small settlement dubbed Sweetwater, formed around a campground with an old ranch house. Only ten families strong, the group seemed to be putting in the effort to make their own way in the world. By the time you met up with them, Eugene’s situation had turned even direr. The group had a nurse among them who treated Eugene, and while he healed, a few more storms passed through. The group had been surprisingly accommodating, and in return, you’d helped out with hunting, and when Eugene was feeling better, he made repairs on their generator. You found leaving the small settlement a little bittersweet. While you wanted to get back to Jackson, you couldn’t help worrying about this group. Eugene, feeling the same, invited them to join you, but they’d refused the offer in the end, and the two of you set back out on the road. 

Goose, your dapple grey mare, moved nervously beneath you as Eugene emerged from a copse of trees where he’d gone to relieve himself. 

With his leg still healing, he limped over until he reached Goose. He looked up at you, his eyes squinting. “I know that look.”

You patted Goose’s neck and looked at Eugene. “What look?”

“That, I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do when I see him look.”

“That’s not a real look,” you said, dropping the reins and scooting back on the saddle. “And I’m not making it. Also, we’ve been gone so long they all probably think we died. I hope he has moved on with his life.” You nodded your head convincingly, ignoring the sharp pang in your heart at the thought.

Eugene patted Goose before looking up at you. “I don’t give a shit how long it’s been. It could be over a year, and that dude would be waiting.” 

Your gut tightened. “I’m not talking about Tommy.” You’d said it without thinking and then realized it was vital for you to be clear on the matter. Eugene was the only one, besides Maria, that had a front row seat to what happened between you and Tommy. Eugene had been the one to deconstruct the relationship and challenged you on your decisions then, but you hadn’t given in, and he didn’t push you, perhaps because of his own past sins. All he could do in the end was help mend fences.

“No, shit, neither am I.” Eugene laughed at the dumbfounded expression on your face. “Fuck, Birdy. You’d have to be blind not to see it. So, fucking awkward and cute.”

You let out an amused chuckle, though it sounded forced. “I am neither cute nor awkward.”

“Again, wasn’t talking about you, sister. I’m talking about that stud muffin Joel.”

You rolled your eyes and managed to suppress a smile, but couldn't stop the telling heat that spread across your cheeks. You ducked your head, hoping Eugene wouldn't notice.

Eugene pulled himself up into the saddle, then turned his head to look at you. “Look, we’ve been on the road over four goddamned months, not during that entire time did you look as worried as you do now.”

You guffawed. “Well, that’s not true. I was pretty worried when you almost died.” 

Eugene nudged Goose with his knees, and the mare started off. 

As Goose gingerly made the crossing, you thought about Joel and all the feelings he brought out in you. Maybe it was time to face them, but there was a lot of doubt on whether you could. Your heart began to beat rapidly at the notion. Memories tickled the back of your mind, hauntingly familiar, and you shook your head at the unpleasant sensation.

You belatedly felt Eugene’s hand on yours, patting it tentatively. You looked down to see you’d bunched his shirt at his hip into your fist. “Hey, hey, hey,” he said, looking over his shoulder, his voice concerned. “Didn’t mean to upset you, sweetie. Sorry, and look, I won’t always be around for you, and I worry.” 

You let out a slow breath, and dropped your head to Eugene’s back, focusing on your breathing. “Please let’s not talk about that,” you said and bounced your head gently on his back. “You’re the toughest old man I know. But then again, you’re the only old man I know.”

“Damn right,” Eugene said, straightening his spine and throwing his shoulders back, causing you to lean back and sit up. “And take it from this really fucking old man, there’s still a lot of living to do.”

“I know you’re right,” you said begrudgingly. “You know it’s not like I haven’t been trying...baby steps and all that.”

Eugene shifted in front of you, then turned again to look back at you, a smile on his face.

“Maybe it’s time you jumped.”

An hour had passed, and you were still in deep thought. You felt Eugene tense in front of you, and Goose flicked his head back and snorted. 

Then you heard a gunshot.

Goose danced beneath you, as Eugene tried to settle her. You slipped off the horse and quickly grabbed your rifle.

Another shot and you stepped back as Goose stamped her hooves in the dirt and whinnied. “Hey, easy...,” Eugene said, calming her.

“Could be a patrol in trouble,” you said as you checked your rifle. You looked up at Eugene. “I’ll go down to take a look. You stay here with the horse.” Eugene gave you a look that said that was the total opposite of what he’d be doing. He pulled out his sidearm and was about to dismount when you stopped him. “Eugene! Seriously, we don’t have time. You’re nowhere near a hundred percent. I’m just gonna take a look. Please, stay here.”

“Fuck!” Eugene cursed but remained in the saddle. “Fine. But be quick.”

You left Eugene and scrambled down a small hill. Keeping parallel to the trail, you crept low along the ridge. Another shot rang out, and you pulled up your rifle, looking through the scope you scanned the heavily forested area. You caught movement, you guessed maybe sixty yards and when you saw a face, you recognized it at once.

Jesse.

You quickly did a sweep, there had to be someone else with him, and you didn’t want to mistake them for a hostile. Your breath hitched in your throat when you located Jesse’s partner.

Ellie was crouched down behind some boulders, her own rifle out, firing off a shot at something in front of her and Jesse’s position. Occupied with whatever she was shooting at, she hadn’t noticed a figure creeping up behind her hidden in the trees and bushes.

Your stomach dropped as you realized there was not just one, but two, and Ellie hadn’t noticed either of them.

You fired off a shot, the round ripped through the first attacker’s head, leaving a cloud of blood in its place. You quickly cut to his partner, their surprised hesitation giving you just enough time, but just as you’re about to make a second shot, Joel suddenly appeared in your sight and tackled him.

You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath before looking over your scope. You see Joel checking on Ellie, then the two looked in your direction, trying to locate you.

Slowly standing from your crouched position, you hear Tommy’s voice shout from somewhere not too far off. “We’re clear!”

You climbed back up to the trail and find Eugene waiting beside Goose. You hold out your rifle, and he takes it from you. You immediately bend over and prop your hands against your thighs, taking in some deep settling breaths. That had been too close.

“Birdy!” You turned around to see Ellie running toward you, her arms in the air. “Holy shit! Holy shit!” It wasn’t long before she was slamming into you, her arms wrapping around you tight. “Holy fucking shit! You’re alive!”

You laughed as you hugged her back, a surge of joy filled your chest, and you struggled to hold back tears.

Tommy and Jesse weren’t far behind. With Ellie in your arms, they went to Eugene. Handshakes, hugs, and multiple back slaps were shared.

Ellie released you so you could get a hug from Jesse. “Glad you made it back, partner,” he said, and the emotion in his voice made you want to tear up again.

Once Jesse had his share Tommy followed.

It took him a moment. He stood there, shaking his head, the intensity of emotion apparent in his eyes. “Fuck,” he muttered, before wrapping his arms around you in a strong hug. You swallowed hard and hugged him back, knowing you both needed this. You felt him take a breath before he grabbed you by the shoulders and held you out in front of him. He looked between you and Eugene. “Well, you two took your sweet fucking time.” The rasp in his voice thick. “We better get back to Joel.”

***

“Seriously, though, we haven’t had a movie in over a month. It totally sucks.”

You can’t stop smiling at Ellie, listening to her recount what’s been happening in Jackson since you’ve been gone.

Over an hour had passed since Joel and Tommy had left. Camp had been set up, with a two-hour ride still before you reached Jackson, it would be too late to travel once they returned. 

During the walk back to Joel, Tommy filled you and Eugene in on what was going on. There had been more frequent attacks from bandits, both on Jackson and the dam, they'd been looking for this particular group for a couple of weeks. Then there were the dam repairs. The energy generated had been steadily declining the past month. Another group was set to head out the following week, which would have included both Tommy and Joel. There was still enough power to sustain the electric fence around Jackson but everyone had been worried. No unnecessary usage of power had been allowed.

Tommy was still in disbelief that you and Eugene were back. When you reached Joel, he was in the middle of an apparent interrogation, his fist slamming into the bandit’s now mangled face, the only thing keeping him up was a handful of shirt in Joel’s other fist.

Joel paused to gaze at you, you saw the storm in his eyes as they narrowed, and the line of his jaw hardened, but his voice when he spoke was soft and rough at the same time. “How ‘bout you all set up camp,” he said, then motioned to Tommy. “Tommy, help me tie this sonuvabitch up.”

Jesse rounded up the horses. Then you, Ellie, and Eugene went about unloading them. You kept glancing at Joel but had been unable to catch his eye again, and you couldn’t figure out if he was avoiding you or just preoccupied. Soon he and Tommy were off to investigate the hideout the bandit claimed his group were holed up in, leaving the rest of you behind to wait. Jesse stood guard over the bandit, tied to a tree now, he'd fallen in and out of consciousness since taking Joel's beating. Eugene started working on a fire while you and Ellie took the horses down to the creek to water.

“Cat still doesn’t believe we have an actual movie theater that works,” Ellie continued as the two of you stood along the edge of the water.

“Who’s Cat?” you asked, not recognizing the name.

“Oh, uh, she came in with a group from Oregon,” Ellie explained, and then with a slight shrug of her shoulder, she continued. “She’s uh, pretty cool. Fucking awesome artist. Wait till you see her drawings.”

“Looking forward to it,” you replied. The air was beginning to chill as the trees’ shadows started to lengthen, a warning of the impending sunset. You worried about Joel and Tommy. They’d been gone some time. “We should get the horses back.”

You and Ellie each grabbed the reins of two horses, led them back to camp, and tethered them to some sturdy branches. By the time you’d finished, Eugene had the small fire going.

You headed toward the fire to warm up when Ellie reached out and grabbed your arm. “Hey, y’know Joel really missed you, Birdy. He’s been so fucking cranky,” she told you, though you’re unsure how to process it. “I missed you too.”

Your heart clenched in your chest. “I missed you guys,” you admitted. “I’m sorry we worried you. I promise we’ll talk all about it over bingo.”

Ellie snickered then her face became serious. “Just, well, just don’t ever leave again, it sucked.” She paused, unsure. “And about what you said before you left, about not having a family. That was total bullshit. We’re your fucking family, Birdy.”

This statement surprised you, hitting you straight in the gut. You slid your arm over Ellie’s shoulders and pulled her in close. “Laying it on a little thick,” you said, holding back your own emotions. You planted a hard kiss to the top of her head. “But you sure are one smart cookie.”

Ellie scoffed but didn’t make a move to pull away. “Well, duh.”

Your bonding moment ended when Joel stumbled into the small clearing, followed by Tommy. Their clothes were splattered with blood, but it was the anxious looks on both their faces that had you pulling Ellie closer and reaching behind you for the gun you had tucked in the waistband of your pants. Joel’s breathing was rough and ragged as if he’d just run a marathon. He scanned the camp before letting out a visible sigh. Then his gaze narrowed in on the bandit, and his expression changed, darkening with fury. You watched as he marched straight toward the tree where the man was tied. A pistol in hand, Joel raised his arm and fired a direct shot into their head. The sound was loud and startling, causing the horses to rear and stomp. Jesse ran over and calmed them down.

“Jesus Christ, Joel!” Tommy yelled. “You didn’t have to do that!”

Joel immediately got in Tommy’s face. “He might’ve been infected!” he shot back.

“You didn’t even check!” Tommy replied, challenging Joel’s assertion.

Joel’s face was tight as he stared down Tommy. “It don’t even matter,” he countered. “What’d you think was gonna happen here? There ain’t no jail in Jackson, Tommy. What was the plan? Cut ’em loose?”

Tommy glared at his brother for a long moment, took a deep breath then looked away. “Fuck.” he rasped through clenched teeth.

Even after things had seemed settled there was a lingering tension in the air that had everyone walking on eggshells. Tommy explained that the cabin had been a trap, the bandits there had turned, and the few that had escaped, including the dead one tied to the tree, had been the ones to lock them in there. It wasn’t until everyone huddled around the campfire, sharing a meal of dried fruit and dried meats that you all began to relax finally. All eyes on Eugene as he retold what you and he had gone through after leaving Jackson. If you hadn't lived it you’d find some of it hard to believe.

A couple of hours later, the sound of angry, hushed voices woke you from a fitful sleep. You looked over to see Joel stand up from where he’d sat by the fire, muttering a curse before walking off, leaving Tommy shaking his head.

You slowly got up from your bedroll, careful not to wake Ellie sleeping beside you, and walked over to Tommy.

Tommy smiled at seeing you. “Hey,” he said as you sat down next to him. “Whatchu doing up?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” you told him. You picked up a stick lying on the ground and began marking lines in the dirt.

The two of you sat there for a few minutes until Tommy broke the silence.

“We shoulda gone after you two sooner.” You looked up at him, but he wasn’t looking at you. He looked in the direction Joel had walked off in.

You glanced in the same direction then back to him. “You already said you were about to send a second group out.”

Tommy let out a frustrated breath and looked at you. “Yeah, but hell, Birdy. We figured you two for dead,” he said. Tommy’s disclosure didn’t surprise you. It would be a natural conclusion after going three months over what had been expected. Tommy tilted his head toward the direction of where the bandit’s dead body was still tied to the tree. “After that display of practicality this might be hard to swallow but would you believe I had to convince Joel not to go after you two.” Tommy shook his head and laughed bitterly. “Shoulda just gone with him.”

You put your hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Hey, you were right, Tommy,” you said, trying to reassure him. “It would have been too risky. And besides, the point is moot, Eugene and I are here and not dead.”

Tommy brought his hand over to cover yours, accepting the little comfort you offered. It lingered there a long moment before his thumb began to brush over your skin in a too intimate caress. You pulled your hand away, maybe a little too quickly and it made Tommy straighten. He cleared his throat as if slightly embarrassed. “Ah, I should go after Joel.”

You stood up and brushed off your pants. Your voice was a little shaky when you spoke. “You stay. I’ll go find Joel.”

Tommy looked like he was about to say something but instead settled back down. “Alright,” he said, seeming deflated.

You hated to see Tommy hurting and knew there was no reason for him to be feeling guilty. You and Eugene knew what you were getting into when you’d left. You gave Tommy a small smile before starting off in the direction Joel had gone. 

Luckily there was a full moon and not a cloud in the sky, making it easier to see in the dark. The night’s chill had you rubbing the sleeves of your jacket for extra warmth. Even with the moonlight, you mostly felt your way through the densely forested area, tripping and muttering curses at every obstacle in your way. 

Another stumble, another curse.

“Birdy?”

At the sound of Joel’s voice, you turned. You had just walked past him and would have kept on walking if he hadn't said anything.

“Joel?” 

You started toward him when your foot hit a root, and you felt yourself stumble forward.

Joel was quick and caught you before you reached the ground. His arms wrapped around you and lifted you up. 

“Hey, hey,” he said, his drawl low and velvety, no hint of the agitation from earlier. “Easy now.” His eyes roamed your face. “What’re you doing out here?”

It took you a moment to register what he was saying. His warmth around you and the solidness of him making you weak in the knees as you gripped the front of his jacket to remain upright.

You flattened your hands against his firm chest and nervously patted him. “I was looking for you,” you whispered, but didn’t trust your voice to say more.

Joel smiled. Oddly, you smiled back, and it was the first time in four long months you felt safe.

He took your hand firmly in his warm calloused one. “C’mon,” he said as he started leading you back in the direction he’d come from. “Watch your step.”

You followed, stepping cautiously behind him. Soon you were on a small footpath. You continued on the path, pausing briefly before he led you up some natural rock steps. “Careful,” Joel said, gently pulling you along. “Ain’t much further.” 

After a few more steps, you came out on a wide ledge overlooking a small canyon below. You stood there, eyes wide, taking in the spectacular view. With the full moon high above, its light reflected off the canyon walls illuminating the entire canyon. The sight took your breath away.

You wanted to take a step toward the edge to get a better look, but Joel pulled you back. “Woah, woah, woah, not too close. This way,” he said, leading you over to a large boulder that looked plenty big enough for the two of you. “Sit here.” He sat down, and you followed, letting go of his hand to scoot yourself up a little onto the cold stone surface.

Joel settled in a little closer and perhaps feeling a little bold, and maybe a little cold, you slipped your arm through his. You leaned in, capturing more of his warmth through his coat.

“You cold?” Joel asked, bringing his hand over to rub your hand on his arm. Unlike Tommy, you welcomed Joel’s touch.

Then thinking about Tommy, you turned to look at Joel, not wanting to ruin the moment but feeling you had to ask. “Is everything okay with you and Tommy?”

Joel sighed, his hand squeezed your hand, and you got the feeling he did it for comfort. And that thought warmed you. 

“Hmm, um, might have something to do with what happened today, possibly our past history. Tommy’s got some resentment towards the things I’ve done,” he said sounding a little rueful, then he turned to look at you, and his eyes grew hard, his mouth flattened to a hard line. “You seen what’s out there. It’s a damn miracle you survived.”

You held Joel’s gaze, understanding what he was saying, but also understanding Tommy. “Don’t be too hard on him,” you said, then turned to gaze out at the canyon. “I’m sure I’m not telling you something you don’t already know, but Tommy’s a bit of an idealist.” Joel made a disgruntled noise, but you ignored it and continued. “People look to him for that, and though it might take him some time to come around on some things, he usually does. And he’s always got people’s best interest at heart.”

Joel didn’t respond, and you worried maybe this hadn’t been what he wanted to hear. Then he removed his hand from yours and brought it up to cup your cheek, gently turning your head to face him. “He didn’t take kindly to how things turned out with Esther,” he said, his voice dropping low. “And just so we’re clear, that’s all been dealt with.” Your breath hitched in your throat, and his thumb brushed the corner of your mouth as his gaze held yours. “I’m gonna kiss you now,” he warned before his fingers curled around the back of your head and drew you in. His mouth covered yours, and his tongue plunged deep. There was no coaxing or gentleness in this kiss, it was hungry and primal, and you welcomed it.

His body shifted, and he turned toward you, without breaking the kiss he laid you back against the boulder. You lifted your arms to wrap around his neck, one hand moving up so your fingers could slide into his hair, urging him to deepen further an already deep kiss. You couldn’t seem to get enough of his taste, a yearning you hadn’t felt in so long rushed through your body.

You made a soft noise when you felt his hand on your bottom, pulling you against him until his hard arousal pressed against you. His hand at the back of your head held you in place as he pulled away sharply, his breathing heavy. “Christ,” you heard him mutter.

You slowly opened your eyes to find him looking at you intently and with a depth of feeling your body responded to immediately.

He bent down to your neck, kissed your pulse where it throbbed as his hand moved up to the top of your jacket, sliding the zipper down. He opened it up, the bite of cold air caused you to jump slightly. His mouth came off you, and he looked down at you concerned. “Too cold?”

You shook your head, your hand going around his neck to pull him back in. “You’ll keep me warm,” you said and kissed him. He let out a groan that vibrated through you, and his hand glided under the layers you wore to cup your breast. You closed your eyes, throwing your head back against his hand that pillowed you from the hard surface behind you. His kisses moved to your collarbone, licked the skin there.

You reveled in the sensation of his mouth on your skin, vaguely conscious of his hand as it traveled from your breast down over your stomach to the buttons at the front of your pants. He worked open the top of your pants as he continued to lick and kiss at your neck, then he eased his hand beneath the waistband, sliding beneath your underwear until he found the most feminine part of you. You gasped as he pushed a finger deep inside.

His mouth covered yours, swallowing your moans as his tongue matched the movement of his finger. When you thought you couldn't bear much more he added another finger, stretching you, working some sort of magic, caressing, withdrawing, moving in and out in gentle precision. The constraint of your pants made it easier for you to grind against his hand, your hips circled against his touch, drawing you closer to finding your end.

Joel pulled his mouth away, kissed up along your jaw until his breath was harsh against your ear. “Baby, touch me,” he said gruffly, biting and licking at your lobe. 

You shivered at his endearment. Wanting to give him what he was giving you, you moved your hand down his chest between your bodies and cupped him. He was hard and straining against his jeans. You stroked him through the denim, and he jerked against you. You wanted to feel more of him but became instantly distracted when his thumb pressed against your clit, rubbing it with just the right amount of pressure that had you arching into him.

His mouth came back to yours, and your tongues tangled, slick and hot.

Suddenly overwhelmed, you pulled away on a gasp, tucking your head in the hollow of his neck. You gripped his jacket tightly. “Don’t let me fall,” you whispered, your breath coming out in rapid pants. “Joel-”

“I got you,” he breathed, cradling your head closer against him.

The pressure of his fingers between your legs intensified, your body shook, and you struggled to breathe as your inner walls clenched. And then you were there, and you cried out as the tension shattered into pleasure.

You felt Joel press a kiss across your cheek as you came down, the last tremors subsiding. You reached up and cradled his jaw, and his beard prickled your palm. “I think I should return the favor,” you hummed, lifting your head to kiss his jaw.

Joel’s lips twitched. “I ain’t gonna refuse,” he said before kissing you. He took hold of your hand and guided it down.

You worked together, unbuckling his belt, and then fumbled with the buttons of his jeans. When Joel’s cock finally sprang free hot and hard in your hand, you wrapped your fingers around it feeling it pulse against your palm. Joel tensed against you on the first stroke, and a low groan rumbled through his chest. You pumped his hard length, enjoyed his reaction, every hiss, every groan until his breathing gradually became shorter and sharper.

“Gimme your mouth, baby,” his whisper coming out urgent and intense. Your mouths met in a searing kiss that curled your toes. His hand covered yours, squeezing tighter and moving harder and faster up and down his shaft, until he turned away from you, letting out a strangled “Fuck” as his release tore through him. After a moment of recovery, tucking himself back in his jeans, he turned back toward you. He pulled you in close, closed your jacket before gathering you against his body. Settled in, he pressed a kiss to your temple.

There was a lot to process, but you pushed those thoughts away, focusing on Joel’s deep heavy breaths and the steady beating of his heart. You were about to close your eyes when you heard the scraping of something metal slide down off the rock. Joel’s arms tightened around you, and you both held still as you listened to it clatter against the stone floor before skipping over the ridge and down into the canyon. 

“Shit,” Joel swore softly. “Pretty sure that was my gun.”

You remained still not knowing what to say. Was Joel upset? Were you gonna have to go look for it? That idea seemed impossible. Then you felt Joel’s body begin to shake silently, and it took you a moment before you realized he was laughing. Then it came out rich, deep, and undeniably masculine. There was such an intimacy in how he held you as he laughed that you suddenly felt silly for worrying. 

And then you were laughing together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....suspension of disbelief. I heavily relied on it for this one.
> 
> This chapter was not planned. In my planning for this story, I was going off Ellie's birthday being in May but then came to realize that was probably wrong and it was most likely in July (her and Joel are definitely in the middle of summer in that flashback). I firmly believe Druckmann and crew completely f'd up Ellie's age timeline. They claim she's 19 in TLOU2 but there's no way she's 19 in Seattle, maybe Santa Barbara. Anyway, that kind of stuff gets under my skin. For this story, I need a certain event to happen after a specific event - Ellie's birthday. So, I had to lose 4 months, probably should have been 5 but I felt that was really stretching things. And so came about dam repairs. I know shit about dams, I apologize.
> 
> But a little smut happened earlier than planned, so....you're welcome!
> 
> Hope you were able to enjoy!


	10. Chapter 10

You drifted slowly into wakefulness. Faintly concious of the distant sound of knocking, your eyes blinked awake. The room is dark but for the sliver of light streaming between the window’s closed curtains. You no longer felt exhausted, and now with enough sleep, you were finally feeling yourself. 

The knock at the door had been expected.

By the time you threw off the bed covers and pulled yourself up, the knocking turned more persistent. You reached for a nearby t-shirt and threw it over your head as you stood up. “Okay, okay,” you muttered, looking around for some pants. You located a pair on the floor and pulled them on, one leg at a time, stumbling slightly.

You opened the door and quickly threw your arm over your eyes as bright sun poured in.

“Birdy, you’re still sleeping?” came Ellie’s voice from the silhouette filling the doorway.

You blinked, adjusting your eyes to the light. “I’m up.”

Ellie turned her head and you realized someone was standing behind her. “Jesse, can you grab a bucket of water?”

“Sure thing,” you heard Jesse reply before his footsteps sounded on the balcony walkway.

“Okay, you’ve had enough sleep,” Ellie declared, pushing her way past you into the room.

You turned away from the door but kept it open for Jesse’s return.

“You’re right,” you said, then raised your arms high above your head and stretched. It felt good, and you followed it with a twist. “Anyone back from the dam?”

“Ah, if you mean Joel, not yet.” 

You scowled at Ellie, but she ignored you. She picked up a small waste bin off the floor and started tidying your room, picking up used food plates and napkins from the day before.

“Ellie, you don’t have to do that,” you said, watching her.

“I know,” she said but didn’t stop. You usually didn’t have this much garbage around, but once you’d made it to your room after four months, and once your head hit your pillow, you were out, and three days had passed with only Ellie dropping by to bring you meals. 

You had opted out of going to the dam. There hadn’t been a reason for you to go, and after what happened between you and Joel, there was no way you were in the right mindset to face Esther.

When she finished, Ellie set the trashbin on the floor and plopped herself down on the bed. “Why don’t you have a house?” she asked, looking around your room, taking in your double bed, the desk littered with books, some gun parts, rags and bullets, and one beat-up dresser with a large pot on a hot plate atop it. At the moment it wasn’t very tidy with your clothes in several piles in different spots. One heater sat in the corner with several storage boxes stacked against a wall packed with gear you’d collected over the years. There were two doors, one a small closet, the other, a bathroom. One framed faded landscape hung on the wall over the bed. The term functional came to mind.

You picked up a used cup off the desk. “I don’t need one. It’s just me,” you said, putting the cup in a small bin that was nearly full, reminding you that you needed to wash your dishes. “The houses are for families.”

“Joel has one.”

“Well, you were supposed to live there too, if I remember right.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t see why you can’t have one,” she muttered. “Or a garage space like mine.”

Jesse walked through the door carrying a nearly full bucket of water.

“Thanks, Jesse,” you said, taking it from him.

“No problem,” he said, taking a seat on the bed next to Ellie. “I got us scheduled for patrol tomorrow.”

“Sounds good,” you replied, pouring some of the water into the pot sitting on the hot plate. It would be good to get back into a routine again, you thought to yourself. Once you poured enough water, you turned the hot plate on and turned to Ellie. “Ellie, I’m good here.”

Ellie groaned. “It’s depressing.”

Jesse nudged her with his elbow. “Hey,” he warned.

Ellie ignored him. “You know you could just move in with Joel.”

“Okay!” you said, spreading out your arms to usher the two of them up. “I’m going to wash up now. You’ve done your duty for the day, thank you, but I can handle things from here.” 

Jesse was holding back a smile, but Ellie looked a little resentful at being marshaled out of the room. 

Ellie turned around to face you about to say something at the door, but you quickly kissed her on the nose. “Honey, I love ya, but you need to let this one go.”

Ellie dropped her shoulders and sighed. “Fine,” she huffed out.

You watched Ellie and Jesse walk toward the stairwell, and then you stepped back and closed the door. You turned around and assessed your room.

After a moment, you let out a long sigh.

***

Days later and the power had been fully restored much to everyone’s relief, Ellie talked you into coming out with her and meeting her new friend Cat. Cat had hugged you immediately upon introductions, and while you were a little taken back by it, she hadn’t been fazed. You could honestly say that Cat was a very unique person. You learned about her family being all artists, her being a tattoo artist like her father. And by the time you’d gone into the theater, she had shown you her tattoos covering both her arms and exclaimed how much she wanted to do something for Ellie. Cat just let it all be out there, not shy, and didn’t seem to be looking for anyone’s approval. You found it refreshing.

When Cat walked away to talk to someone she recognized, Ellie leaned into you. “Isn’t she awesome?”

The three of you found some seats toward the middle of the theater. It seemed everyone in Jackson had the same idea, and seats were filling quickly. As you made your way, people had greeted you unexpectedly and thanked you. With all the attention, you started to become uncomfortable, and relief flooded you when you were finally able to sink into a seat beside Ellie.

While Ellie and Cat chatted, you took the opportunity to look around the theater. It was your first time sitting in it after all these years. And all seemed relatively calm until you heard a murmuring, your name whispered from somewhere, you caught a glance, then another. Unease began to settle over you. Then you felt someone take the seat next to you, and you turned to see Joel settling in, obviously, the source of all the elicited whispers and looks.

“Hey,” he said, his voice low and soft, and then he leaned in and placed a kiss on your mouth. You immediately tensed, and Joel must have noticed, his eyes narrowed. “Everything okay?”

“Uh, yeah, fine,” you said, sounding not convincing at all and it didn't help that you were not meeting Joel’s eyes. You might have been more interested in how things were at the dam, but you were too conscious of the glances, imagined or otherwise.

Just then, the lights went down, and you breathed a sigh of relief as the theater was bathed in light from the big screen. You tried to focus on the movie as it started, but heard another hushed whisper, and you didn’t need to see Joel to feel the tension radiating off him.

Joel leaned across you and tugged on Ellie’s sleeve. “Hey, kiddo, we’re headed out. Don’t be out too late.”

At first, surprised to see Joel, Ellie quickly recovered. She looked between the two of you, and understanding settled across her features. She smiled. “Oh, uh, yeah, sure. I’ll see you later.”

Joel took your hand and stood, compelling you to follow. You kept your eyes on Joel’s back as he led you up the aisle, out of the theater, and onto the street. You weren’t sure where he was taking you, but he seemed determined to get you both there in a short amount of time. 

“Everyone back from the dam?” 

“I left early.”

“You didn’t want to watch the movie?”

Joel stopped, turned to face you, and you nearly ran into him. His head dipped toward you. “Is that what you want?” he asked.

You shook your head. There was no way you wanted to go back into that theater, where it felt like everyone was watching and judging. “No.”

“Good,” he responded with an even tone. Then he brought his hand up and slipped it behind your head and pulled you toward him, taking your mouth in a kiss that was full of heat, yet slow and deep. Your heart fluttered, and your entire body went aflame.

You didn’t want it to end, but distant voices reminded you that you were standing in the middle of the street in full view of anyone. You tensed and pulled away.

Joel’s fingers still tunneled through your hair prevented you from moving too far back. His eyes narrowed as he contemplated you for a long moment. “This always gonna be a problem for you?” he bit out.

“Joel - “ you started, but your voice trailed off. You wanted to say it wasn’t a problem, but you didn’t want to lie to him. Joel stared at you, silently waiting for an answer, and looking like he had the patience to wait you out. You let out a breath. “I don’t want it to be.” That was the truth. “I’m sorry. Maybe we could talk at your house?”

You felt his grip in your hair loosen, and his hand fell down to wrap around yours. “Alright. Let’s go talk then,” he said resolutely.

Now you were berating yourself silently. Why had you said you wanted to talk? Well, maybe it was because it was time to talk.

The walk to Joel’s house wasn’t long enough, you thought, as doubt began chipping away at your resolve. When you reached Joel’s porch, you stopped, frozen in place, feeling it was now or never.

“Tommy and I were together,” you blurted it out. Joel’s hand stopped on the doorknob, but he didn’t move to look at you. You thought maybe it was better not seeing his expression, so you continued. “You probably figured that part out. I...I ended things. Tommy...well, Tommy didn’t take it too well. Then he left Jackson. Then he came back. And let’s just say that Tommy being the good guy that he is got all of Jackson in the split.” That wasn’t fair. You took a breath and exhaled in a rush. “Okay, that’s not fair. I’ve never been social, I made it easy for them. And now with you and Esther...I just don’t like the scrutiny. There’s more than that, but I honestly can’t deal with more than that right now. Whatever this is between us, I don’t want to mess that up. I’m trying not to mess that up.”

Joel turned and looked at you, and your eyes met his scrutinizing gaze. He took a step away from the door and toward you.

Your nerves skittered to life. “Do you want to know more about Tommy and me?”

“Hell, no,” Joel answered roughly, closing the gap between you, his hands went to your shoulders holding you in place as he leaned in real close and breathed deeply through his nose. “Listen. Once you walk through this door, it’s just you and me. Yeah?”

You nodded. “Yeah,” you breathed out.

With a grunt of acknowledgment, Joel released you then turned around and entered the house.

It took you a moment to realize you’d have to take the steps on your own. Joel was giving you an opening to back out, for once, you didn’t hesitate, and you followed him in.

You closed the front door, and through the corner of your eye, you watched Joel walk down the hall, pausing only to lean on the banister at the foot of the stair to take off his boots, before continuing up the stairs to the second floor.

Slowly, you told yourself as you took your boots off, tossing them under the entryway table one at a time. The ceiling creaked above you under the weight of Joel’s footsteps as he moved into his bedroom. You started in the same path Joel had taken, and when you reached the stairs, you were overwhelmed with a mix of apprehension and anticipation. 

Another breath, and you began taking the stairs naturally as if you’d been there a hundred times. Once you reached the top landing, there was no peeking into open rooms. You knew precisely where you were going. You glanced at the pictures you’d seen the last time you’d been there, remembered that Joel had a family, two daughters, and found a little comfort in that, remembered what Ellie had said about you being part of that. You wanted to believe.

You stepped toward Joel’s bedroom, looked up, and found him standing by the bed, watching you intently. You stopped and waited.

He considered you a moment. “Hey,” he said, his deep voice resonating in the stretched out quiet between you.

You gave him a shy smile. “Hey.”

Joel’s expression softened, one corner of his mouth lifted in a half-smile, and his eyes crinkled with gentle amusement. He held out his hand in invitation. “C’mere.”

You went to him, putting your hand in his. His reaction was immediate, and you quickly found yourself pressed into his warm hard body. His mouth was on yours, thoroughly claiming it in one wet, hot kiss. All your trepidation melted away. You moved your hands to slide into his hair, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. His hand went to the curve of your bottom, his fingers digging in, molding you to him. You felt him hard and ready against your stomach. 

Wanting more of him, you moved your hands down to the buttons of his shirt. Joel seemed to have had a similar thought, and your arms kept running into each other. Frustration finally overcame you, and you pulled away. “You do yours. I’ll do mine,” you panted, your breathing ragged.

Joel smiled, and it sent a surge of heat straight to your core. “Deal.”

You both started working the buttons of your own shirts, taking quick glances at each other as you did. Joel finished with his shirt first, and you paused to admire the muscled planes of his chest dusted with dark hair, his broad shoulders, and the corded muscle of his forearms. 

You watched as his hand moved down to undo his belt, couldn’t stop yourself from looking at the bulge under his jeans, you’d held it in your hand, knew it was significant. Your mouth went dry, and you licked your lips. So enticed, you hadn’t noticed his hands had stilled.

“Um, Birdy?”

You looked up. Joel’s eyes were on you, he lifted a brow, his mouth quirked up on one side.

You blushed. He smiled. Your sex clenched.

You quickly looked down, determined on getting naked, you started working on your buttons, thinking if he touched you now, it’d set you off, and you really didn’t want anything between you when he did. The last few buttons came undone, and you opened your shirt, pulling it off and throwing it on the floor. You reached back and unhooked your bra, and then bent forward slightly shaking your arms to let it fall before moving to your belt, once that was removed you shimmied out of your pants, taking your underwear and then your socks along with them. Your hands were slightly shaking from the adrenaline coursing through your body, and your heart raced with anticipation. Triumphant, you threw them off to the side and stood up, flipping your hair back out of your face, eager now to get a look at Joel. 

You looked up to find Joel hadn’t removed his pants, though the belt was undone, and the front was open. Your gaze lifted to his, and what you saw in his eyes sent a sharp thrill through you.

Not shying away from his heated gaze, you watched as his eyes roamed over your body like a gentle caress, taking in every slope and every curve, leaving you feeling desired and truly feminine. 

His eyes moved back up to meet yours, and he smiled his appreciation. He moved closer and took your face between both his hands. “Jesus, you’re beautiful,” he said, his thumbs running over your flushed cheeks. He kissed you, his tongue tracing the crease between your lips. Your mouth parted, and his tongue swept in, exploring its depths, heat bloomed in your belly, and then his mouth slanted over yours, taking it deeper and you surrendered to the pleasure.

Joel guided you down to the bed, kissing you as he followed, settling in beside you. His calloused hand was gentle as it moved across your heated skin, across your stomach, squeezing your hip before moving up to the swell of your breast. He plumped it his hand, circling the peak with his callused thumb, then he dipped his head to draw it into his mouth. You closed your eyes and arched into him with a soft moan, your fingers sinking into his hair as he sucked, swirled, and flicked your nipple with his tongue. Then he showed the same amount of attention to the other until they were both stiff peaks.

He dropped a kiss between your breasts, moved down and dropped another on your stomach, making the butterflies flutter there. You raised yourself on your elbows to watch as he settled down between your thighs, his hands sliding beneath your hips, lifting you up, spreading you. His beard brushed the sensitive skin of your inner thigh, making you jump.

Joel’s head came up to look at you, a cocky grin on his face. “You ticklish?”

You shook your head, holding back a smile. “No,” you replied unconvincingly.

His head dipped back down, and you knew he was smiling without seeing it. Then he took you in his mouth, and all thoughts of smiles and tickles flew out the window, you threw back your head, your hands fisted the blankets. You tried to relax as his tongue teased you with lazy circles, letting the sensation build in you. You fell back on the bed and writhed under his ministrations. He flicked his tongue over your sensitive bundle of nerves, and you gasped. When he sucked your clit between his lips, you nearly shot off the bed. Joel turned relentless, holding you down as he feasted on your tender flesh. You threw your head to the side, losing all awareness around you as you struggled for something to focus on. Your legs began to quiver as the pressure continued to rise until you suddenly cried out. Waves of pleasure crashed over you. You sucked in deep breaths of air, light danced behind your eyelids as you floated in the weightlessness of your orgasm. 

As your breathing began to slow down, you're vaguely aware of Joel removing his remaining clothes before covering you with his body, his erection pressing hard against you. You opened your eyes to see him gazing down at you tenderly, his hand coming up to swipe a strand of hair from your face. Languishing in an erotic haze, you smiled and brought your hand up, running your fingers through his beard, pulling gently at the whiskers. 

“You sure about this?” he asked gruffly. You saw the heat banked in his eyes.

Normally the frightened part of you would have wanted to think more on it until you could come up with a good excuse, but this newly awakened part of you demanded that you move forward.

You decided to be bold.

“I want you,” you whispered, stretching up and brushing your lips lightly across his. You ran your hands across his chest, over hard muscle before resting on his taut shoulders. 

Joel shifted slightly, and you felt the head of his cock settle against your entrance.

“Joel, kiss me,” you pleaded. You saw desire flamed bright in his eyes when he leaned down and claimed your mouth. You sighed when he pushed in, sinking deep. It’d been so long, your intimate muscles stretched around him with an unbearably sweet burn.

“Damn, you feel good,” he groaned against your mouth. He began to thrust slowly, the wetness between your legs helping your body take him. You rocked your hips, trying to get more, squeezing your inner muscles around him. Joel groaned his voice strained and raw. “Baby, you keep doing that I won’t be long.” 

You liked the idea of sending him over the edge, wanted him to lose control, so you did it again. His forehead dropped against yours. The muscle in his jaw bunched. “Shit,” he breathed, his control fraying.

Joel drew back and entered you again in one powerful motion, filling you up. Then he began to find a rhythm, moving in and out, every stroke bringing you closer toward the edge once more. You wrapped your legs around his hips, meeting his thrusts with your own, wanting it harder and faster. His heavy breaths, hot on your face, grew harsher. The tension in you coiled until it finally snapped, and you cried out, clenching him tightly. You clawed at his shoulders, riding out the spams of another climax.

One thrust and then another, Joel stiffened, then he pulled out and came on your stomach with a strangled grunt. He dropped down alongside you, his arm heavy across your chest, burying his face in your neck, his labored breaths hot against your skin.

You lay there and listened to Joel’s breathing as it evened out. Your body felt extra sensitive in the afterglow. You’re conscious of Joel’s seed cool on your stomach, reminding you of other things, but you’re quick to push them away. _Don’t ruin this._

You thought to go clean off, but Joel is keeping you in place. You rubbed his arm softly. “Joel?”

He pressed a kiss against your neck. “Gimme a minute. I’m old," he grumbled.

Your lips curved into a smile, and you continued caressing his arm since it was all you could reach. 

It wasn’t long before Joel shifted and propped himself on his elbow, his eyes warm on you. He leaned down and kissed you, slow and sweet, and then he turned away and reached down for something on the floor. His arm came up with his shirt in his hand, and he used it to wipe your stomach. You reached back and pulled a pillow under your head to get a better view, watched as Joel finished with the shirt than tossed it aside, replacing it with his hand, he massaged any remaining fluid into your skin then smoothly glided his hand up to the underside of your breast. He caressed the skin then cupped its fullness in his palm, and when he ran his thumb over the nipple, your lips parted in a small gasp.

He dipped his head and placed a kiss at the top of your breast. Then he looked up to meet your gaze, a glint of mischief in his eyes. He gifted you a sexy half smile that sent liquid heat straight to your core. “Ready for round two?”

You licked your lips. "Aren't you tired?"

Joel waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I ain't that tired."

And who said he was old?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what Cat's family is like, I just know that she has one and thought making them all artists would be fun.  
> Woah! Chapter 10.  
> Hope you enjoyed it!


	11. Chapter 11

Damn. He was old.

Hell, who was he foolin’? He’d never been more than two rounds in his life. They’d gone four.

He’d woken up very aware of Birdy's body pressed to him, all soft and warm. His morning lust stirred by her ass wriggling against his already swelling erection.

Joel’s voice was gravelly from sleep. “You awake?” 

“Mmmm,” Birdy hummed, half asleep, and then wiggled her ass again. If she meant to tease him, he was more than willing to call her bluff.

He met no resistance as he shifted her onto her stomach. She made the softest, sexiest sounds as he slid into her. He kept a slow pace, even though her breathy moans compelled him to move faster. But he knew this wouldn’t be long, and he wanted to get her there. Sliding his hand between her body and the bed, he found her sweet spot between her thighs.

She whispered his name on a sigh as her muscles clenched around him, pulling him deeper.

Yeah, this wasn’t going to be long at all. “Right here, baby,” he breathed against her ear, his chest pressed against her back.

He felt her body tightening, increased the pressure with his fingers, and drove in a little harder. She gasped as her climax hit, her muscles gripped his hard length, his hips flexed, grinding his cock into her one last time before he pulled out. His release spilling on her back on a strangled breath.

Joel flopped down on the bed next to Birdy. She stirred slightly, murmuring, and then pulled her pillow closer and settled back into sleep. 

He softly chuckled as his breathing evened out and placed a kiss on her shoulder. He rose from the bed and went to the bathroom to collect a small wet towel.

Dragging the cloth leisurely over the curve of her bottom and across her back, he thought it might have made him an asshole, but he’d liked the ways he’d been marking her, inspiring his baser urges.

After last night and now this morning, there was no doubting their compatibility. He knew every curve of her body and looked forward to discovering all the places she liked to be touched. Who knew he could be so soft after so many hard years, but something about her brought out his tender side. 

Once he finished, Joel took the towel back to the bathroom, then he crawled back in beside her, pulled over the blankets, and covered them both. He pulled her close and let her soft breathing lull him to sleep.

Joel woke to the distant sound of a door slamming, and then his name called out.

“Joel!” Ellie called out again, clearer this time.

“Shit.” That came from Birdy, who reacted with a jerk. Slightly panicking, she scrambled to get up but only managed to get the blankets and sheets tangled around her before she found herself tumbling to the floor between the bed and the wall.

Joel shook his head, holding back a laugh as he looked down at the heap of arms, legs, and blankets. Unfortunately, with all his focus on Birdy’s antics, he hadn’t heard the footfalls coming up the stairs or stop in the doorway until it was too late.

“Jesus Joel!” Ellie exclaimed, wide-eyed.

Instantly realizing his error, Joel grabbed the end of the sheet that hadn’t been entirely pulled off the bed and yanked it hard. “Goddammit, Ellie!” Joel barked, covering himself. “Would you turn around?”

“Okay, jeez,” Ellie said as she turned around and walked back out into the hall. “Is Birdy in there with you?” There was no missing the amusement in her voice.

Joel rubbed a hand over his face, he never thought he was the type to blush, but he had a feeling he was red from head to toe. “She is,” he replied matter of fact. “Now is there a reason you came bargin’ in here?”

He heard Ellie mutter a curse from the other side of the wall. “Shit, yeah…” Joel didn’t like how her tone changed, the amusement gone, and immediately tensed as she continued. “A patrol was attacked. Tommy sent me to come get you. He said he’d meet you at the stables. He’s, uh, looking for Birdy too.”

“Shit,” Joel swore to himself. “Alright. Ellie, you run and tell him I’ll be there shortly.”

“Okay,” Ellie responded before she took off down the stairs. She slammed the front door shut but not before she yelled a quick, “Bye, Birdy!” as she did.

Birdy kicked at the blankets to free her legs. “We’ve probably scarred her for life,” she moaned. “Like walking in on your parents.”

Joel’s mouth flattened at the remark, and something inside him tightened at the thought of her seeing them in the parents’ role for Ellie. He shook it off. “C’mon,” he said, grabbing Birdy by the arm and helping her up.

They didn’t say anything as they went in search of clothes. Joel came out of his closet, fully dressed, while Birdy was buttoning her shirt. She looked up at him with a worried expression. “I hope no one is hurt. We haven’t had to deal with bandits on any of the routes in a while,” she said, finishing the last button. “I need to go grab my rifle.”

He wrapped his arms around her, and she immediately went soft against him. This wasn’t how he’d planned on ending the morning. Now he was feeling guilty that he hadn’t even gotten any food in her. He lifted her chin and ran the rough pad of his thumb over her bottom lip. “I had a nice time last night,” he kissed her but kept it light. There was no point in starting something they couldn’t finish. “A real nice time.”

She blushed. “Me too.”

They went their separate ways, Birdy off to her place to retrieve her rifle and Joel to the stables. He saw Tommy talking to a small group and then he noticed Ellie standing off to the side with Jesse and went over to her.

“Hey, Joel,” Ellie greeted and then looked around him. “Where’s Birdy?”

Joel cleared his throat, still feeling just a tad uncomfortable about what happened earlier. “She’ll be here shortly,” he said. Ellie didn't seem fazed. His eyes drifted to Tommy and watched him still talking with the small group. “Wanna fill me in?”

“Ah, yeah, Cedric and Scott were shot at on their route to Colten Bay. They didn’t hang around too long, so they can’t be sure, but they think there might be a group holed up at Three Creek. Maybe ten to twenty guys,” Ellie said then shrugged a shoulder. “Could be bandits or hunters trying to settle in.”

“Don’t think hunters would settle this far out,” Joel thought out loud. Ellie raised a brow at him, and he knew exactly what she was thinking. She had always been curious about that part of his life.

“Whoever they are, they’re not friendly,” Jesse put in.

Joel nodded at Jesse. “On that, we agree.”

He knew Three Creek was a small ranch, not too big. Before the outbreak, it had been a resort of some sort. It could be the group was just passing through, but they’d have to make sure. With them shooting on sight, that only left one option in his mind.

While he thought about how to approach the ranch, Birdy came up behind him. Her rifle slung over her shoulder. She had a worried look. “Hey, what’d I miss?”

“Cedric was shot,” Jesse told her, and her eyes went wide.

“He alright?”

“Yeah, just a flesh wound, he’s at Doc’s now.”

Tommy had concluded his talk and walked over to join them. He looked between Joel and Birdy. “Glad you two could make it,’ he said, and there was no missing the hint of accusation.

Joel decided it best to ignore it. “So, what’s the plan here, Tommy?” 

Tommy let out a breath, letting whatever annoyance he held go. “Figure we go in with a small group. Scout things out. If they are planning on staying, they’ll no doubt be expecting us.”

Joel nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah. Still plenty of daylight, you got a group?”

“Henry and Adil volunteered, and Jesse here. Figured you, me and Birdy, if you’re up to it?” Tommy finished, his eyes landing on Birdy. She nodded her head. 

“I could go,” Ellie offered.

“No, that ain’t happening,” Joel cut in.

“But I could…”

“Ellie, this ain’t up for discussion.”

Tommy put his hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “Joel’s right, Ellie. We’ll need you and the others doublin’ up on the wall, just in case.”

“Fine.” Ellie agreed begrudgingly. 

The group broke up to gather their supplies. Joel reached for Ellie’s arm before she could walk away. “It won’t always be this way, kiddo,” he said, trying to make her see reason. “Ellie? Ya hear me?”

Ellie let out a frustrated breath. “Yeah, I hear you. Just, you know, be careful.” 

Joel watched her as she walked away, waving goodbye to Jesse as she went. He knew Ellie just wanted to prove herself, and in another year or so, he’d let her, but even then, he knew it would still be tough for him.

He felt slender fingers intertwine with his, followed by a gentle squeeze. “Everything okay?” Birdy asked, coming up beside him. Funny how just her touch seemed to ease his tension.

Tommy’s voice called out before Joel could answer her. “Come on, ya’ll. Let’s get a move on.”

Birdy pulled her hand away and, without a look back, headed toward the paddock. Joel followed, looking up, he saw Tommy already atop his horse. Something slid across Tommy’s face giving him the impression he’d witnessed their small exchange. Abruptly Tommy turned his horse and headed toward the gate.

There was nothing Joel could do but go saddle up his own horse.

***

The plan had failed almost immediately. The shooting had started as soon as Tommy had called out from where he'd taken cover behind an old rusted pickup.

On the ride from Jackson, Joel and Tommy found themselves at odds on the best course of action to take.

“They might still be reasoned with,” Tommy said, wanting to make contact first before going in guns blazing. 

“And I say, we deal with the problem. They already shot at your boys once,” Joel argued, tension radiating off him. “What makes you think it’s gonna be any different this time?”

“It might not be, but I’d still like to give it a try,” Tommy countered. “And I’ll remind you again, Joel. You ain’t in Boston.”

Joel shook his head and breathed out a frustrated sigh. “Yeah, I’m gettin’ that.” 

This had ended the discussion.

In your years with Tommy, he’d always been of a mind to avoid bloodshed whenever possible since leaving the Fireflies. So did you, which unfortunately had put you on the opposing side of Joel in this particular debate.

You didn’t miss the disappointed glance Joel sent you. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” he muttered under his breath to no one in particular before he nudged his horse to take the lead.

It reminded you that you didn’t know much about Joel’s history. You knew he’d been in the Boston QZ for years, knew from personal experience what life could be like behind those walls. He hadn’t been a Firefly or a soldier, and there weren’t too many other roles in a QZ. You recalled Eugene mention something about smuggling. It could explain his more aggressive approach, not that it was a bad thing. You’d witnessed Tommy show that same type of aggressiveness on occasion. Your thoughts turned to Ellie, and you questioned how a young girl would end up in a smuggler’s care. You assured yourself there was nothing sinister at play. Ellie and Joel cared deeply for one another. For all their blustering, Tommy held his brother in high regard. And more pertinent to you, your attraction to Joel, and how he made you feel. You reminded yourself the past didn’t matter. Joel just hadn’t been in Jackson long enough to adjust to life not always on the offensive. Your hope would be that he and Tommy would eventually learn to balance each other. Which made that small part of your mind you’d been pushing against wonder if having a relationship with Joel would hinder that.

You shook your head and focused.

Your sights were on the courtyard that separated the small parking lot from the main ranch house. The secluded resort, nestled in a grove of conifers, consisted of the one main house, several cabins and a barn with a corral. 

You spotted Joel, hidden not far away from where Tommy was in the parking lot, his revolver out. 

As soon as Tommy had called out, the gunfire immediately started, coming from multiple directions.

“Ambush!” you heard Jesse shout out.

Your heart raced as you tried locating where the shots were originating from. After long torturous moments, you finally spotted one, pulled the trigger, and fired. You spotted another, but someone took the shot before you could. Another body fell from the roof of the main building. 

Joel and Tommy seemed to be moving freely around the courtyard in front of the main ranch house, going from cover to cover. A window shattered, as shots were fired from within. Screams could be heard as Tommy and Joel found their marks. Whoever these guys were, they weren’t good shots as bullets flew wide of their intended targets. 

As another body fell, something seemed off and you questioned the effectiveness of this ambush.

With gunfire still echoing through the air, you repositioned your rifle and looked through the scope, purposefully sweeping the area until your eyes caught something. What you saw made your heart freeze.

“Stop!” you yelled at the top of your voice. You turned in the direction Adil and Henry were positioned. “Hold your fire!” You called out as you made your way down from your sniper nest atop the barn.

Thankfully they’d heard you. The sniper fire had stopped as you began to make your run toward the courtyard. Joel and Tommy continued to exchange gunfire with those that remained in the lobby of the ranch house.

You spotted Jesse out of the corner of your eye, taking his own shot. “Jesse, don’t!” you called out. He gave you a surprised look but held his fire.

By the time you reached Joel and Tommy, you were out of breath, with a stitch in your side. “Stop,” you cried, but it came out in a hoarse whisper.

It seemed you were too late as Joel let off one final shot, taking out the last of the gunmen that remained inside.

You walked toward the porch, Tommy and Joel coming up behind you.

“Birdy, what’s going on?” Tommy asked, confused by your sudden appearance.

You went to get a closer look at one of the bodies on the porch to confirm what you’d seen when you caught movement in front of you.

She stood up from behind some patio furniture. Your eyes immediately went to the gun she held pointed straight at you. The gun shook violently in her hands. 

Tommy and Joel brought up their guns, pointing them at the woman.

“Jesus,” Tommy exclaimed.

On impulse you took a step forward in an effort to block them.

“Birdy, what the fuck are you doing?” Joel said through gritted teeth, you detected the slight panic in his voice.

You looked at the woman and your gut lurched. 

The nurse from Sweetwater.

You held up your hands slowly. “You’re alright. Everything’s alright,” you said, keeping your voice as calm as possible. Your heart was beating hard against your chest. “Remember me?”

She was almost unrecognizable from the woman that had tended to Eugene. Her body looked so frail you worried that her trembling, so severe, would fracture bones. Fresh welts and bruises covered her face and neck, and tears shimmered in her sunken eyes. Her lips pressed tightly together, giving you a slight nod of her head. She opened her severely cracked lips, apparent signs of dehydration, but only a squeak came out as she tried to speak.

You took another step closer so she wouldn’t have to speak as loudly. Startled by your movement, she raised the gun higher. It looked to be taking all her effort to hold it up.

You felt Tommy shift beside you. 

“Birdy…,” Joel said, his tone warning.

You ignored them both, focusing on the woman in front of you. “It’s okay,” you said softly. “We’re not gonna hurt you.”

The nurse’s edgy wide eyes shifted between Joel and Tommy. You glanced at Joel, and then without turning your head, you focused on Tommy.

“Tommy, lower your gun,” you said, just barely pleading. “Please-”

“Tommy, don’t do it,” Joel growled from beside you.

You were counting on Tommy, relying on your history together. “Tommy, please, trust me.”

After a long moment, Tommy muttered a curse, and from the corner of your eye, you saw him lower his gun slowly.

“Goddammit, Tommy,” Joel seethed, then after a long drawn out moment he reluctantly lowered his gun. You let out a shallow breath.

You returned your focus to the nurse. “See, it’s okay,” you said. “We wanna help.”

You waited, watched her swallow before attempting to speak again. “They forced us…,” she started her voice cracking on each word. “Couldn’t stop...them…” Tears flowed freely down her cheeks, and her hands shook until she finally lowered them. The gun dropped to the ground.

No one moved as she fell to the ground, her body convulsed, weighted down by her cries. 

You moved to step toward her when you heard a shout in the distance that made your blood turn to ice. 

“Runners!”

Before you could react, Joel grabbed your arm and pulled you away. You heard that eerily familiar sound the infected made as a runner appeared from around the corner of the ranch house, immediately followed by a second one. 

Joel fired off a shot, then another.

Another runner appeared from the opposite side, running toward Tommy, a last minute shot by one of the snipers sent it to the ground.

You heard a scream and looked to see a runner on top of the nurse. You watched as Joel pulled out a blade and ran over, plunging it into the back of its skull.

When it was over you stood there in shock.

“I think that’s it,” Tommy gasped, his breathing ragged, standing beside you. “You alright, Birdy?”

You nodded your head, but you weren’t hearing him. Instead, your eyes were glued to the nurse on the ground. Joel knelt beside her, his hand on her shoulder. He was saying something, but it was low, and you couldn’t make it out.

She was bitten, you already knew. Joel stood up, his eyes held yours for a moment, you saw the resignation in them, then he looked to Tommy. “I’ll handle it,” he said solemnly.

You felt Tommy’s hands on your shoulders. You closed your eyes and let him lead you away.

***

A couple of days had passed since Three Creek, and you hadn’t seen Joel in that time. You’d kept busy taking watch on the wall. Tommy had taken you off patrol.

You’d been shaken by what happened, and you talked to Eugene. The news had upset him, but he’d reassured you that there was nothing you could have done, and then he'd laid into you for putting your life in danger.

Ellie had gotten the story from Jesse on what had occurred and worried about you. She told you that Joel was taking her on a camping trip for her birthday, but she didn’t ask why you hadn’t seen Joel.

After your shift on the wall, you'd intended to go to your room, instead you found yourself standing at the back door of Joel’s house, having come through the back way from the greenhouse lots.

You'd been there debating with yourself until finally, you wrapped your knuckles against the screen door and waited. After a few nerve-wracking minutes, the door opened, and Joel appeared.

“Well, howdy,” he drawled as if expecting you.

His pleasant tone caught you off guard. “Um, howdy yourself,” you replied. “You have a moment to talk?”

His eyes assessed you, and you saw a moment’s hesitation before he opened the door. “Come on in,” he said, holding the door open.

You walked past him and couldn’t help feeling you’d miscalculated.

You noticed his backpack on the kitchen island and some food bags, indicating he was in the middle of packing. You wondered if he’d seen you standing at the door. “Ellie mentioned you’re taking her camping.”

“Ah, yeah,” he said, standing by the island. “Leave in the morning.” He pushed a bag of food into his backpack. “It’s a surprise, but uh, Maria told me about a museum a few days ride from here. Figured Ellie would enjoy it.”

You smiled, knowing Ellie would love it.

Suddenly you felt like an intruder. “I won’t keep you. I just wanted to thank you,” you managed to get out. “For the other day. I’m sorry, I should have come by sooner, but...well, thanks.”

Joel’s jaw tightened almost imperceptibly. “You don’t gotta thank me for that,” he said, his eyes narrowed at you.

“Well, I think I do,” you replied.

“Okay.”

“Okay…” Now feeling really uncomfortable, you decided it was best to leave immediately. “Well, have a good trip. Please be safe.”

You turned to leave, but Joel grabbed your arm, sliding his hand down until it covered yours.

He leaned in, his mouth close to your ear, his warm breath sending shivers down your spine. “Should be back in a week. Maybe by then, you won't have any trouble finding the front door. Yeah?”

Not only had you been irresponsible, now you’d been thoughtless. You’d find a way to make it up to him, and right now, the only thing you could do was give him what we wanted.

So you smiled, meeting his eyes before answering. “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate them 😀  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	12. Chapter 12

Dusk was drawing near as you observed Jackson, framed in one of the watchtower's glassless windows sixty feet above. You watched streetlights gradually coming to life, faintly illuminating the roads and buildings, shops closing up for the day, the two restaurants remaining open a little while longer to anyone grabbing a late meal. In the distance, the last of the patrols were returning through the gate. 

The light hanging above you flickered on, emanating a low buzzing sound as it began to brighten. You finished the sandwich you had picked up for dinner, crumpled up the paper it came wrapped in, and tossed it back next to your rifle on the small table you were leaning up against. 

Another hot summer day was coming to an end. The remnants of sunset still lingered over the tops of trees on the mountains as twilight slowly pressed in. Fortunately, it was a balmy evening, and while it did tend to cool down most nights, you weren’t expecting too much of a chill tonight. 

Joel and Ellie came to your mind, and you wondered what they were doing and hoped they were okay. Several days had passed since they’d left. In that time, you’d run into Jesse and Dina and had dinner with them one night, drinks and darts with Eugene on another. After the altercation at Three Creek, things had returned to normal in Jackson, the threat assumably having been settled.

You thought about Sweetwater and its residents. Before leaving Three Creek, you’d insisted on burying the bodies, no one had protested, though it was decided only the settlers would be buried. It hadn’t been hard to identify them from the bandits that had apparently taken over their settlement and forced them into violent subjugation, evidenced by their tattered clothes, malnourished bodies, and the same signs of abuse similar to the nurse. You hated that you hadn’t remembered her name at the time, Eugene later reminding you it had been Lori. 

The echo of footsteps on the metal stairs leading up to the observation deck drew your attention. You turned to see a familiar but unexpected face come through the door behind you.

“Tommy?”

Tommy acknowledged you with a head nod and a tight smile. He walked past you to stand at the glassless window in front of you. You hadn’t seen Tommy since that day at Three Creek. When you all had returned, he’d told you he’d be taking you off patrol for a bit, and you’d accepted that without complaint.

“Been awhile since I been up here,” he drawled, taking in the view. You remained still, knowing he must have had something on his mind, and waited. He turned around and sat up against the ledge of the window to face you. His expression was unreadable, but you saw the edginess in his eyes. 

“Everything okay?” you asked, feeling a little uneasy yourself about why he was there.

He noticed your worried look and gave you a reassuring smile. “Oh, yeah, things are fine, nothing to worry about. Patrols been keepin' extra vigilante. Got a few more snitching zones set up. Should give us some extra warning next time.” There was another long pause, then Tommy cleared his throat. “You’re probably wonderin’ what I’m doing up here,” he finally said.

For some unknown reason, perhaps it was nervousness, you decided to take the light approach. “Uh, you want to know what I’ll be packing for the fishing trip?” You hadn’t been fishing in years, but the memories recalled put a small smile on your lips. 

Your first summer in Jackson, there had been the fishing trips to the backcountry streams that flowed into the Snake River. After the waters had settled from the spring thaw, three to four days at a time, you, Tommy, and Eugene would go off camping, living off trout, learning the area. Though the details were now vague, you remembered the laughter and that bond of friendship you all had developed.

Tommy’s face changed. He seemed to have had a similar recollection if the light that sparked his eyes were an indication. The unreadable mask slipped, replaced by a soft expression. “Damn, been a long time since we did that,” he said, the faraway look lingering in his eyes. “Those were some good times. You, me, and Eugene, we should set somethin’ up.”

It was a nice thought, but the reality of it was it would probably never happen. You crossed your arms over your chest, shifting your weight against the table behind you. “So, you gonna tell me why you’re here or just keep me in suspense?”

Tommy hesitated while he gathered his thoughts. “Yeah, yeah, alright,” he said, scratching at the scruff under his chin before settling a look at you. “So, uh, ‘bout you and Joel.”

You knew he had to figure something was going on when he saw you and Joel at the stables that day before the ambush. You had hoped Tommy wouldn’t make a big deal of it, but the look on his face told you he intended to do just that. You sighed. “Tommy, I don’t really want to talk about this with you.” 

“Yeah, well, it ain’t like I really wanted to talk about it neither.”

“So, don’t.”

“Birdy, I can’t do that,” he said, and he sounded almost pained. “Maybe Joel’s changed, and he’s trying to put his life in Boston behind him, but I don’t want to see you get hurt. He- ”

You held up your hand, effectively silencing him. “Tommy, please don’t do this, don’t let what happened between us put a wedge between you and Joel,” you said, desperately not wanting Tommy to say something he wouldn’t be able to take back. “Don’t risk what’s left between us.”

Tommy shook his head, and his lips flattened into a hard line. “This don’t got nothing to do with me and what happened between us.”

“Doesn’t it?” you countered, your voice coming out a little higher than intended. Tommy’s eyebrows raised slightly. You drew in a breath. “Did you share these concerns with Esther?” You paused, measuring his reaction. “You and me, we know better. We’ve all done things, Tommy. And you know that,” you added more softly. “What happened to Jackson being a second chance?”

His eyes locked on yours. “That what you want now, Birdy? A second chance?”

You took in a deep breath. “Maybe,” you whispered, closing your eyes, hiding the guilt.

Tommy looked away, blowing out a frustrated breath. “Fuck,” he rasped, exasperated, throwing his head back. He looked up at the ceiling, blinking hard. “I, ah...I suppose when it comes to you, it just hits a little different, okay.” He gave his head a resigned shake. “Why’d it have to be my goddamned brother?”

You didn’t respond, knowing he wasn’t expecting you to. Instead, you moved to sit on the window frame next to Tommy, laid your head against his shoulder. You both sat there in silence until Tommy spoke.

“I was angry at him for a long time. Hell, I guess I’m still angry. The things we did...” Tommy’s fists clenched around the edge of the window. Tommy had never brought up his life before the Fireflies, the years initially after the outbreak, but then again, there weren’t many that did. To a lot of people, including yourself, those early years were better left forgotten. Tommy drew in a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “But the way he cares for Ellie...reminds me of…” Tommy’s voice choked with emotion, and you knew he was thinking about his niece, Joel’s Sarah. “I want to believe I got my brother back. He was my best friend before everything went to shit. I suppose when I saw you two together, it triggered somethin’ in me.”

You put your hand on his forearm and squeezed it. “I’m sorry, Tommy,” you said, your voice was shaky, not from what Tommy had just told you, but for what you were about to say. “We’ll stop. I’ll end it.”

Tommy’s back straightened, and he turned to look at you. You met his stare, silently nodded your head, answering the question in his eyes. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered, closing his eyes and shaking his head. 

Prepared to leave it up to Tommy, you waited. You’d never lied. Tommy was important to you, gave you friendship, saved you from a life without purpose. You were the one that couldn’t live up to the expectation, and he’d paid a price with a hurt you knew all too well. One that you had wanted to avoid but had been inescapable. Eventually, Tommy had moved on with Maria, it had stung you at the time, but you’d moved on too. You hoped Tommy could do the same now, but if he couldn’t, you were prepared to accept that, and there was always that small part of you, that part that wanted just that, to go back to the way things had been before Joel and Ellie, to avoid that hurt.

“I don’t want that,” Tommy finally said. “That’d make me a bigger asshole than I already am. I want you happy, Birdy. If that means Joel, well then it’s Joel.”

Again you didn’t answer, and after another long silence, you placed your head against his shoulder again. “Are we good, Tommy?” you asked.

“Sure, we’re good,” he replied, and you felt him lean over before placing a placating kiss to the top of your head. Then he got up. “Better let you get to it then.”

He started toward the door, but you stopped him with a question that had been nagging you for some time. “Is everything okay with you and Maria?” 

Tommy met your eyes and nodded. “Things are fine,” he answered, and the mood lightened. “Y’know, I wish you and her got along better.”

You coughed, hiding your smile. “Uh, yeah, seeing as I was the one that shattered your heart into a million pieces,” you teased and almost immediately regretted it. 

“Well, I won’t deny you there,” he teased back, and you felt relief. He gave a bashful shrug. “She’s just a little protective of me.”

You smiled at the understatement. “A little? She’s got the protective nature of a Doberman.”

Tommy chuckled. “All right. I’ll give you that.” He quirked an eyebrow at you. “But let’s keep that between us,” he said and then regarded you with a sincere expression. “Y’know, I always got your back.”

It was bittersweet, but you felt the shift, knew you and Tommy had turned a corner. Your eyes moistened. “And I’ll always have yours,” you replied.

He flashed you a smile. “I know you do.”

***

You stood at the bar, waiting for your drink and food order. It was a relatively busy night in the Tipsy Bison. Eugene sat at a table in the back, chatting with a couple of friends. He’d been surprised when you took him up on his dinner offer for the second time in one week. Yeah, you were trying to do things differently.

The last few days had rolled by, more guard duty on the wall, bingo, and now dinner with Eugene. You’d bumped into Cat, who asked about Ellie and when you expected her back. You told her any day but didn’t share that you were anxious for Joel and Ellie’s return, and if they didn’t arrive in the next day or two, you were prepared to find Tommy ask him where’d they’d gone and go search for them yourself.

As you waited, something caught the corner of your eye, and you looked up to see Aiden Cramer headed your way. He tipped up his cowboy hat and smiled. The last time you’d seen him had been at Eugene’s birthday, an uncomfortable feeling settled over you as he approached you.

He must have noticed you tense up. He held up his hands. “Look, Birdy, I just wanted to say sorry. I was a total ass last time.”

You didn’t want Aiden’s apology, but you also didn’t want to drag this out longer than necessary. You cast him a quick glance. “It’s fine, Aiden. It’s forgotten.” 

You felt his eyes on you. Thankfully Seth walked out with your order. “Here ya go,” Seth said, setting down two plates topped with a stew along with two bottles of beer in front of you. 

It took you a moment to gather everything in your arms before you turned to head back to Eugene and away from Aiden.

“Need any help with that?” Aiden offered.

You shook your head. “I got it, thanks.”

Aiden tipped his hat and stepped back. “Okay, you enjoy your meal. I’ll see you around.”

“Sure, uh, see you around,” you replied offhandedly and walked toward the table, not looking back, but feeling Aiden’s eyes on you the entire way.

Eugene was in the middle of a story as you sat down and placed the dinners on the table. You took a drink from your bottle and looked back toward the bar. Aiden was gone. You let yourself relax and went about listening to Eugene and enjoying your evening.

***

“You know my mom said you could come have dinner with us any time.” Jesse shrugged his shoulder. “How ‘bout tonight? Dina will be there.”

Jesse and his family had been in Jackson for years. A few years older than Ellie, he’d adopted the responsibilities of maintaining a safe, comfortable life for the community surprisingly well for someone so young. Nice, affable, and friendly, you were glad he and Ellie were such good friends. Such good friends that you didn’t doubt Ellie had told him to check in on you, which he had and continued to do while she was gone. And this warmed your heart.

It was your first day back on patrol. You and Jesse were just returning from the pass after a long and uneventful morning. Just a few miles outside Jackson, the two of you noticed someone sitting off to the trail’s side, and a horse tied off close by. As you approached, that uncomfortable feeling from the night before returned. 

Aiden stood up and held up a hand, waving you both down.

“You know him?” Jesse asked, his eyes not leaving Aiden.

“Yeah, I know him,” you said on a sigh.

You and Jesse stopped your horses as Aiden walked up. He tipped his hat to you, then turned his attention to Jesse. “Hey kid, you mind, I’d like to have a word with Birdy, alone,” he said, lifting his chin, motioning down the trail. “You head on. I’ll see her home.”

Your annoyance rose sharply.

“Birdy?” Jesse asked, looking at you and not hiding his concern.

Unnerved but not wanting to involve Jesse in whatever Aiden wanted to talk about, you nodded your head and forced a smile. “It’s alright, Jesse. This won’t take long,” you said and dismounted your horse.

“Okay,” Jesse conceded though you heard the hesitation in his voice. “I’ll check in with Tommy.” This last bit directed at Aiden, and in that moment, you wanted to hug Jesse. 

Jesse clicked his tongue and nudged his horse forward.

Aiden waited until Jesse was out of earshot before he spoke. “That kid sure is suspicious,” he commented, watching Jesse continue down the trail. 

You dropped Goose’s reigns, ground tying her to the spot, before moving with Aiden to a small clearing.

“He’s not a kid,” you said, crossing your arms. “You want to tell me why you’re out here?”

Aiden pushed up his hat. “Oh, come on, Birdy,” he said, his lips curled into a sly smile that gave you the wrong kind of goosebumps. “I just wanted to apologize.”

“You did that last night.”

“I got the feeling you didn’t believe me,” he said. You didn’t miss the flash of resentment in his eyes before he quickly hid it. “Things are going well right now. I want you to come see my ranch-”

You cut him off. “That’s not a good idea, Aiden.”

“Why is that? Thought you accepted my apology,” he asked, his tone becoming more aggressive. He shook his head, and his brow furrowed. “Why you gotta lead me on like this?”

You stared at him with a look of disbelief. “I haven’t been leading you on, Aiden. It’s all been in your head. We’re done here. Now I’m heading back.” You turned away, taking steps toward Goose.

Without warning, Aiden’s hand wrapped around your arm, gripping it tightly. He forced you back, catching you off guard and taking you off balance, your body falling into his. “Don’t walk away from me,” he sneered, drawing his body close, forcing you to look at him. “I’m not done with you. Tell me, what’s so important you have to get back for? That brother?”

You tried to jerk your arm away from Aiden’s strong grip. “No,” you said curtly, not hinting at the fear you felt spiking through you.

His grip on your arm painfully tightened. “I don’t believe you,” he hissed.

Your eyes narrowed. “And I don’t give a shit what you believe,” you snapped.

He answered you by backhanding you across the side of your face causing you to stumble back. The impact had your ears ringing, your vision blurred, and put the taste of blood in your mouth. You would have fallen to the ground if it wasn’t for his grip on your arm that kept you from flying back. You shake your head dazed and confused.

“Get your goddamn hands off her!” Joel’s deep voice bellowed from somewhere behind you.

You struggled against Aiden’s grip, your vision cleared enough that you saw Joel and Ellie when you turned. Relief flooded you.

One moment, Joel was near his horse. The next, he was there, grabbing Aiden and yanking him away from you. Suddenly free from Aiden’s hold, you stumbled backward, barely managing to stay on your feet. You heard the crack of cartilage as Joel’s punch landed against Aiden’s face sending him staggering back, bent over, blood dripping from his face. 

Aiden looked up and swiped his face with his forearm, smearing blood across his cheek. He glowered at Joel. “This isn’t any of your business.” 

You wished Aiden would shut up and leave. Aiden was by no means a small man, similar in size to Joel. Still, Joel’s presence put him on another level, a terrifyingly pissed off Joel, pulling ragged breathes through his nose, his jaw clenched tight, his eyes dark with violent intent would give the most hardened person pause.

Aiden glared back at Joel, a flicker of apprehension in his hate-filled eyes. A warning Aiden inclined to ignore as he launched himself at Joel, wrapping his arms around Joel’s waist, taking them both down.

They tussled on the ground, Aiden getting a couple of shots in, but ultimately no match for Joel. Joel loomed over Aiden and proceeded to land punch after punch.

“Joel!” Ellie shouted.

Joel looked up and pointed his finger at Ellie. “Ellie! I told you to stay right where you are!” he hollered back, and Ellie sat back in the saddle.

Your heart hammered in your chest. Seeing the concerned look on Ellie’s face, you knew you had to act. Joel landed another fist to Aiden’s jaw. You grabbed Joel’s arm and pushed your way in, managing to wedge yourself between him and Aiden.

You got in Joel’s face, pressed your hands against him. “Joel, Joel...please, that’s enough,” you whispered. “He’s had enough.”

Joel’s eyes cut to yours, then cut to Aiden, the muscle in his jaw jumped. After a tense pause, he released his hold, and Aiden crumpled to the ground, wheezing and coughing blood.

As you pushed Joel back away from Aiden, you heard horses approaching and turned your head to see Tommy with Jesse following not far behind.

Tommy stopped his horse just short of you and Joel. Concern filled his face. He looked down at Aiden on the ground and then back to you and Joel. You took Joel’s hand in yours and squeezed. Tommy noticed this, but his eyes didn’t linger and drifted up to your face. Absently you lifted your free hand to the swelling on your cheek. Beneath your fingertips, you felt the heat of your skin and figured a bruise must no doubt be forming. This was confirmed by the anger that flared in Tommy’s eyes.

“That asshole fucking hit her, Tommy!” Ellie yelled out from atop her horse.

Tommy’s face darkened. He practically jumped off his horse, several long strides, and he had Aiden up by his shirt collar, separating their noses by inches, Tommy’s voice thick and gruff. “I don’t ever want to see you comin’ round here again,” Tommy growled and jerked Aiden’s head when he tried to shrink back. “Fucking come anywhere near Jackson, you’ll be shot on sight.”

You watched as Tommy and Jesse put Aiden on his horse. Aiden bent over, just barely holding on to the saddlehorn. Tommy swatted the horse’s rump, and it took off. Aiden’s body jerked sideways, but he managed to remain seated, and you watched as it galloped away.

Joel shifted beside you, heated anger still radiating from him. Besides holding hands, there was no additional contact between you, and when he spoke, you realized he hadn’t said anything since he’d first appeared. “Let’s get you home,” he said, his voice unexpectedly soft.

And then a question came to you unbidden. Where was home?

***

An uncomfortable silence had settled over Joel and Birdy as they walked toward the motel. Ellie and Jesse had taken charge of the horses and left for the stables while Tommy had gone off to check in with Maria and let her know what happened. 

Birdy had been avoiding making eye contact with him. Joel’s first instinct had been to take her home to his house, but he figured she wouldn’t appreciate being paraded down the street in full view of people. 

He took a quick glance at her face, at the slight purplish-blue discoloration under her eye, on her swollen cheek and jaw, his fury reignited.

When he and Ellie had first caught sight of them, they had still been some distance. Two figures so engrossed in whatever they were discussing, they hadn’t noticed them coming up. Then getting close enough to recognize Birdy and then Aiden, his entire body had tensed. And then he’d seen that piece of shit shrike her, and he’d only seen red. 

Joel’s grip tightened on her hand at the memory. He felt her stiffen and immediately loosened his hold, silently cursing himself. 

They made it to the motel and walked up the stairs. Birdy released his hand, opened the door to her room, and walked in, Joel followed in behind her. 

Joel took in the small room as Birdy grabbed a bucket and started back toward the door. He reached out, taking the bucket from her hand.

“I’ll get it,” he told her, and Birdy nodded her head, her eyes still not meeting his. Joel pursed his lips, feeling a little worried. The idea of leaving her alone, not an option, but if she continued to be uncomfortable around him, he’d find Ellie.

Joel left the room with the bucket, quickly located the water barrel near the stairs. When he returned, he found Birdy sitting on the bed, staring down at the old threadbare grey carpeting. Birdy looked up at him, her face shuttered. Joel felt her eyes on him when he took the bucket into the small bathroom. He set it in the sink, grabbed a small washcloth, and soaked it, the water cool on his own stiff knuckles as he squeezed off the excess water.

He sat down beside her on the bed. She closed her eyes when he lifted her chin gently before he touched her cheek with the cloth, careful not to put too much pressure as he dabbed at the swelling.

Birdy opened her eyes and scanned his face. “I’m embarrassed that I let that happen.” The muscles in his shoulders relaxed slightly at her confession, and now understanding her discomfort, he let out a relieved breath. 

“Dammit, Birdy. That ain’t on you,” Joel said darkly, pressing the cloth against her jaw, his muscles tensing up again when she winced.

Her eyes softened, and her face relaxed as she gave him a slight nod of her head. Then her eyes widened.

“Joel, you’re hurt,” she said, and he felt the concern in her voice in his gut. Her fingers pressed gently against a cut at his temple along the hairline.

“I’m fine,” he replied gruffly.

Her gaze found his and held it. “You would have killed him.”

Joel looked at her there beside him with only a bruise on her face, thinking things could have turned out far worse if he and Ellie hadn’t been there, his chest tightened at the thought. “Yeah.”

She combed her fingers through his hair. “You’re a good man,” she whispered.

The way Birdy looked at him, full of trust, stirred something inside him. Joel reminded himself that he’d just had a great trip with Ellie, but even that had been marred when Ellie had stumbled upon a dead Firefly, a hard reminder of his past. Yeah, he was capable of a lot of things. If she knew, would she still be looking at him the same way? Tommy was a good man but him? He wouldn’t go that far.

He didn’t want there to be any illusions. “You don’t know me,” he challenged.

Again Birdy studied him for only a moment before her hand pulled him down to place a soft kiss on his lips. “You’re right,” she whispered against his mouth and kissed him again. He looked into her eyes, saw the want that mirrored his. He returned the kiss, his hands cupped her face, careful to avoid the tender bruising. The kiss was long and deep, and when she moaned into his mouth it went straight to his dick.

Her hands moved beneath his t-shirt, roaming over his stomach, the muscles going taut under her touch. She slid her hands up his chest, shoving the fabric, indicating what she wanted. Joel broke the kiss to pull his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. He took his time removing her shirt and the tank top beneath it, placed kisses on her exposed skin, and slowly caressed her with his hands. 

Birdy moved further back on the bed, and with Joel’s help, they removed the rest of her clothes. Joel stood up and began unbuckling his belt, taking in the sight of her naked on the bed. He couldn’t help wondering how he got so lucky as he kicked off his boots.

Then he was on the bed, settling between her thighs, his erection hard, pressed between them. He licked and kissed her neck, along her jaw to her chin, and then took her mouth. He wrapped his arms around her before he flipped them over, so she straddled his hips. She looked down at him, biting her lower lip, grinning.

He gave her a half-smile, his hand squeezed her breast, a roughened thumb brushed over her nipple. He wanted her in control. “Well, come on, honey,” he said, slightly raising his hips, his cock nudged her thigh.

Birdy shifted back on his hips, reached down, and took his hard length into her hand. Joel hissed when she began to pump him in her fist. Not what he expected, but he wouldn’t complain, and that decision quickly turned to his favor when she leaned over and took him fully into her mouth. He groaned his bliss as she worked him, taking him deep with a wet warm suction, her head moving up and down over him. It wasn’t long before his breathing became more ragged, the almost unbearable pleasure spiking up his spine, and her hand cupped him at the same time she sucked him deeper and harder, completely undoing him.

“Jesus, fuck,” he breathed out hoarsely as his body tightened. He was close, and then he was there. He grunted, his hips jerked as his release overtook him, and he spilled into her mouth. She continued gently sucking him until his body started to relax. 

She placed kisses as she made her way up his torso, one on his stomach, on his chest, his neck, then his bearded chin until her weight pressed him, her face hovering over his.

Joel did his best to ignore the bruising on her face, instead focusing on her smug smile and heavy-lidded eyes filled with desire. He smiled back, his hand sliding into her hair to cup the back of her head.

“Seems I gotta favor to return,” he drawled slowly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," she answered huskily, her smile spreading across her face, and he saw it there. 

He was a goner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


	13. Chapter 13

Two days before.

“So, that was weird.”

Joel had been sitting comfortably against a fallen tree trunk near the campfire strumming on Ellie’s guitar, not a particular song, just playing chords lazily. Ellie's birthday at the museum had been a success, and he was quite pleased with himself. Ellie had found some books on space that she’d buried her nose into when they returned to camp and read until it became too dark. He hadn’t minded and let her enjoy herself while he had fished at the river. They ended up enjoying a dinner of trout and Ellie had shared more facts with him from her new books.

Joel looked across the campfire at Ellie. “What was?” She’d been sketching something in her journal but now had it closed and looked up at him. 

There was a slightly apprehensive look on her face. “Oh, you know, seeing that Firefly.”

Joel went rigid. He reminded himself that he had to keep his cool and took his time before answering, putting the guitar on the other side of the tree trunk, away from the fire. “Ellie, there ain’t nothing surprising about finding a dead Firefly.”

Ellie let out a huff, shoved her journal into her backpack, along with her new books. “I know you’re not a fan, Joel. It just got me thinking is all. We haven’t heard anything about them.” Ellie looked at him, and even in the low light of the fire, he saw the scrutiny in her eyes. “It’s just that it’s been over a year, y’know. I thought we might have heard from Marlene by now.”

Joel let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He shouldn’t be surprised that she’d been dwelling on the matter. The girl had a mind to question everything. It was probably too much to hope that she’d let it go this one time. “Ellie, there weren’t much left of the Fireflies. And not hearing from them? All that proves is that the Fireflies ain’t ever been good at living up to their promises.”

He sure as hell hoped that would be the case. Not a day had gone by for months after the hospital that he didn’t think about the Fireflies coming after Ellie. He had only ever confided the story to Tommy, only leaving out Marlene’s fate, and as more time went by, the more confident he grew in thinking he’d done a decent job covering their tracks. And this was one topic he never felt the need to go on about. 

Joel cleared his throat. “Now, I’m tired,” he said. “We best get our rest so we can head out first thing. Don’t want Tommy sending out a search party for us.”

“Sure,” Ellie replied, but Joel wasn’t fool enough to think she’d be satisfied with his response, lucky for him, she didn’t press.

After he checked on the horses one last time, he found his sleeping bag laid out next to Ellie’s. He glanced at Ellie on her back, arms folded behind her head, gazing up at the stars. 

Joel pulled out the extra blanket he’d packed. The night wasn’t cold enough for it, so he rolled it up and used it for a pillow. Settling into the cozy confines of his sleeping bag, he followed Ellie’s example and took in the night sky above them. 

“It’s kinda cool being out here. Just us,” Ellie mused beside him.

Joel smiled. “Yeah, it is.”

“You know, next time we could invite Birdy.”

Now that wasn’t a bad idea, Joel thought as he watched a glittering streak fade into darkness. His body warmed at the image of her snuggled up beside him in his sleeping bag that came to mind. He wondered what Birdy was doing now. No doubt, keeping busy with patrols and guard duty. He’d worried when she’d stayed away after the business at that ranch, and it had been unclear where she saw them or even if there was a them. Just when he thought they were getting somewhere, they were forced two steps back, but for some unknown reason, he didn’t mind putting in the extra effort if it meant having her. And that should have been a more worrying thought. 

“And what happened to just us?” Joel asked, teasingly reminding Ellie of her earlier statement.

“Come on, Joel,” Ellie said emphatically. “She’s one of us.”

Joel smiled to himself. “That right?” 

Ellie ignored his feigned skepticism. “You know you should ask her to move in with you-”

“Woah, woah,” Joel wrenched himself up just enough to prop himself up on his forearm to look at Ellie. “Easy there, hoss,” he said. “You ever hear of putting the cart before the horse?”

Ellie blew out a breath. “Geez, she reacted the same way. I don’t see what the big deal is,” she said. “And her room at the motel is depressing, Joel.”

Joel cringed at the thought of Ellie asking Birdy to move in with him. It didn’t take much imagination to guess at her reaction. Here he was trying not to spook the woman while Ellie was trying to push them off the cliff. “Jesus, Ellie,” he grumbled, pinching the skin between his eyes. Joel couldn’t comment on where Birdy lived since he’d never seen her place, but the concern in Ellie’s voice made him pause. He fell back down on his back. “How bout you just stay out of my love life. Yeah?”

“At least he admitted he has a love life,” Ellie muttered to herself but loud enough that Joel heard.

“Ellie-”

“Look!” Ellie cut in, pointing up at the sky. “Another one, make a wish.”

Joel looked up in the direction Ellie pointed in and located the faded white dot moving across the sky. He made a mental note to visit Birdy’s room at the motel when they got back. It was hard to believe not that long ago he’d been a man resigned to being alone, conditioned himself not to care about much one way or another unless it had to do with his survival. Now he was being reconditioned through Ellie, through Jackson, and now through Birdy. He’d had it all before, a long time ago, and now he cautiously looked forward to having it again. 

He focused on the white dot they were tracking. Probably an old satellite and not a falling star, but he’d keep that tidbit to himself and let Ellie have her wish. He might even get his.

***

Current day.

Her soft panting echoed through the room, and Joel heard the smile in her voice when she spoke. “Tell me your favorite color?”

He’d just made Birdy come with his mouth, twice. Had taken his sweet time getting her there, enjoyed her moans and squirming, the taste of her on his tongue. What amused him was when she’d pressed him with questions, all innocent, like those from a magazine on how to get to know a person. Questions like your favorite movie, favorite animal, what would you do if you won the lottery? His ‘buy coffee, of course’ had made her laugh, and the sound did that funny thing to him. He began to gage his performance by the length of time between her questions. The more distracted she’d become by what he was doing to her with his tongue and fingers, the longer it took for the next question to be asked until she was unable to speak coherently and submitted to him completely.

She apparently found her voice again.

He chuckled against the inside of her thigh. “Favorite color? Currently,” he said. “Pink.”

“Joel-” 

He moved up until he was resting on his forearms above her, his weight pinning her beneath him. With a smirk on his lips, he looked down at her face, took in just how pretty she was with her eyes bright from climax, the coloring of her flushed cheeks still managed to show through the bruised parts of her skin. “I do enjoy making you blush,” he said before lowering his mouth and claiming hers with a slow, purposeful kiss.

She smiled against his lips. “I’ve never blushed so much in my life.”

Joel liked that she admitted that, liked it a lot.

He brushed his lips across hers, then kissed her deeply, parting her lips with his tongue. His tongue swept inside, entwining with hers. He felt her hands in his hair, urging him closer with a soft moan. She shifted her hips beneath him until the tip of his erection was at her entrance. He didn’t need to be coaxed and sank into her wet heat, fully seating himself inside her. 

His head dipped into her neck and groaned into her ear, “...feels good.” 

He rolled his hips slowly, setting an unhurried pace in his attempt to draw out the moment and savor every touch, every taste, every breathy sigh. Birdy’s soft and giving body challenged him with a sweet form of torture that tested his limits but more important, he wanted her satisfaction.

Her breathing became more labored, her hands moved down his back, becoming more insistent as her fingers pressed into his skin. “Harder, Joel,” she gasped, her hips rising to meet him. He felt her muscles tense around him and knew she was close. 

Joel’s voice was low and husky against her ear, “Yeah, that’s it, baby, come for me.” His slow, deliberate thrusts then turned more urgent. 

Birdy wrapped her arms and legs around him, holding him prisoner in her tight embrace. He buried his face into her neck and rocked his hips into her roughly as his own pleasure rose. The mindless need to climax with her overwhelmed him as she tightened around him, demanding him to drive them toward the edge. 

He felt her inner muscles begin to spasm. Her legs squeezed him tighter, and she cried out his name as her body convulsed around him. His own body responded immediately, plunging deep, surrendering to the intense pleasure, and with a strangled shout, he filled her with his own shuddered release.

With her arms and legs still wrapped around him, he had nowhere to go but down. Neither willing to move, they remained that way, while their breathing steadied.

Joel enjoyed the closeness, wrapped in her arms, their hearts beating against each other’s chests seemingly in rhythm, so relaxed he was in danger of falling asleep. He stroked her hair. “I’m too heavy.”

“Mmm...you’re not,” she said with a deep satisfied sigh against his shoulder.

He levered himself up on his elbow, looked down at her with a crooked grin. “It just me, or do we fit well together?”

Birdy’s heavy-lidded eyes gazed up at him. “In all the right places,” she said. Her smile stretched wide, and his cock twitched.

In that moment, the reality of what had just happened settled in on him. He’d been so caught up in how good he felt, so lost in the warm softness of her body that he hadn’t been thinking. 

He was still inside her. His heart squeezed tight.

“Damn,” Joel muttered. He focused on the little crease that appeared between Birdy’s brows. “Ah, not to ruin the mood, but I came inside you.”

He remained surprisingly calm. A pregnancy wouldn’t be ideal, and he questioned why anyone would bring a child into this world. Yet, with so many reasons against it on top of him being too old, the idea of his baby inside her didn’t terrify him as much as he might have thought. He’d never had a desire for children. He’d been so young, barely a man, but when Sarah had arrived, he couldn’t imagine his life without her, then he’d been forced to do just that. Then Ellie had come into his life, and he’d do anything to protect her. An image of Birdy holding a baby of their making filled his mind, and an unexpected sensation filled his heart.

Birdy blinked up at him, puzzlement across her face and something else he couldn’t place.

He cleared his throat and drew in a breath. “So that you know, I wouldn’t consider it the worst thing to happen.”

There was silence between them as he waited for her response. He looked for a sign of how she was feeling, but her face was unreadable now.

“Birdy?”

A knock at the door interrupted any response he might have gotten from her. Another more insistent knock followed, then Tommy’s muffled voice sounded from the other side of the door. 

“It’s Tommy. You in there?”

Birdy stiffened beneath Joel, and he felt her sharp intake of breath. “We should answer that,” she said. Her flat and toneless voice should have been enough of a warning, but it was her waxen expression that unnerved him.

After an awkward pause, he nodded. “Uh, yeah.”

***

Joel rolled off you, and the loss of his heat was jarring enough to get you moving. Your mind was in a thick fog, your heart hammering in your ears muffled all sound. You located pieces of clothing and went through the motions of redressing, only barely aware of Joel moving around the bed. 

The knocking is insistent in your head. You wanted to plead with Joel to not open the door, but your throat is suddenly too tight. _Don’t open the door._ He should be warned of what was coming. _Don’t open the door._

Another knock by Tommy. “Birdy? Joel?”

“I’m comin’. Hold on,” Joel said. You heard the impatience in his voice. He picked up his pants and yanked them on.

Your own movements are sluggish, but you managed to get your clothes on then moved your legs over the side of the bed, buttoning up your pants with trembling hands. When you finished, you looked up to see Joel standing at the door, fully dressed, watching you, confusion written all over his face. The knot that had formed in your chest tightened painfully, and your stomach twisted. 

You stopped breathing when Joel opened the door to Tommy. 

“Hey, I talked to Maria,” Tommy said, walking into the room. “Got everyone watching out for that bastard. He won’t be back, I’m sure of it, but still doesn’t hurt to be ready.”

Joel nodded his head.

Tommy then turned to you. “Birdy, you don’t got to worry about him, ya hear,” he said. Tommy was doing his best to reassure you, though his presence had the exact opposite effect. It wasn’t unexpected for him to be there. His worry had no limits where you were concerned. But that he was there was a sign that in that moment you had a decision that needed to be made. “How you doin’?” His eyes narrowed at you, and you knew he didn’t like what he saw. “Birdy?”

You tried to answer him, attempted to form the words, but you only managed a shallow breath. 

“What the fuck did you do, Joel?” Tommy’s voice was heavy with accusation. 

“You best watch your tone, Tommy,” Joel warned, but his voice was unsure. He turned away from Tommy, and his eyes came to you. You saw his brow deepened with worry, his jaw clenched tight, but he remained utterly still. 

Tommy pushed past Joel’s rigid form and knelt in front of you. “Honey, you alright? C’mon, talk to me.”

Tommy squeezed your hand, but you continued to hold Joel’s gaze. “What’s going on?” you heard Tommy say.

Something flickered in Joel’s eyes as he looked down.

You followed his gaze down to your hands and realized that you were holding them over your stomach. _It wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen. _His words echoed in your head.__

____

____

You closed your eyes and turned away. You’d relied on it for so long, even cracked and fractured it had held, and for so many years, protected you, held others at bay. But those cracks had grown, the fractures allowed light to warm your vulnerable heart. The wall you’d built around you took a hard hit. 

“I can’t have kids.” It came out in a whisper.

“What?” Tommy’s voice broke through the fog that had started to lift.

You opened your eyes, focused on Tommy. “I...I can’t have kids,” you repeated, choking out the words, exposing the foundation of your wall as the pain blossomed in your heart. “I was pregnant in the quarantine zone. And something went wrong.” More than wrong. You remembered, the smells came to you, the sounds surrounded you, the air around you saturated with fear. It was all coming out now as your wall began to crumble. There was no stopping it, and you were now desperate to get the truth of it all out, to expose it all finally. “There weren’t many doctors available. Those times were...it was years after we'd been forced into the zone, you know how bad it was then. I was a mess, and I was pregnant and alone. There wasn’t a real doctor, just some kid, under-trained and overwhelmed by everything. When I woke up, it was gone. I-” You swallowed hard and took a shaky breath, your eyes full of unwept tears. 

“Jesus Christ,” Tommy muttered.

You blinked and swiped at a rogue tear. “I don’t even know if it was a boy or girl,” you gasped, forcing yourself through the surge of emotion that overtook you. “They told me I wouldn’t be able to have children. That I was barren.”

Tommy’s brows furrowed. “Is that why?” He paused, you watched as his own emotions threatened to overtake him, but he gathered his control. “That why you did what you did?”

You shook your head. It was time the truth came out. “I couldn’t give you that. There was hope in Jackson, a new start. I couldn’t take that away from you, Tommy.”

“Birdy, that wouldn’t have mattered,” he said, sounding almost angry.

“It mattered to me!” You cried out, and the outburst took you both by surprise. You shook your head again. Unable to explain it, unable to put into words the pain, the suffering that threatened to crush your very existence. You’d forced yourself to hide it, or maybe hide behind it. Your body shuddered. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…I just couldn’t… I didn’t want to face that loss.” 

Tommy’s arms came around you and pulled you in. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry you went through that.” His voice was sincere, but you knew he felt guilty. It surprised you that you didn’t feel the impulse to rebuild the wall that now lay in ruin around you, but more surprising was the relief you felt at its destruction.

You took a breath and pushed away from him. “Tommy, don’t. That wasn’t your fault,” you said. “That was on me. I was so good at isolating myself to avoid that pain. I built a wall, and instead of letting it down, I fortified it. I couldn’t love you enough for that second chance. Instead, I pushed you away.”

“And now you’re ready?”

You gave him a shaky smile, another tear escaped, falling down your cheek. “I think I am.”

Tommy brushed away the wetness on your cheek with his thumb. His eyes scanned your face. “It’s late. I oughta leave and let you get some rest,” he said and stood up. “We’ll talk more later. Just remember what we talked about before.”

 _I always got your back._ You nodded, loosening another tear.

You watched as Tommy turned away from you and faced Joel, a look passed between them, but no words were spoken, and then Tommy left.

You wiped at the tear that fell down your cheek and looked up as Joel turned to you. At his expression, you froze. Suddenly all the air, along with the hope you’d been feeling, was sucked out the room. 

You had felt good about revealing your past trauma and finally clearing things up with Tommy, but now you realized Joel for the most part had remained out of it. You had expected him to come to you, but he hadn’t, and you hadn’t noticed. But you had done it for him, for the two of you, you wanted that second chance with him, and you wanted it honestly with no secrets. 

But you hadn’t imagined that he might not want you. You suddenly remembered the look on Joel’s face, he had tried to hide it, but now it was clear in your mind, the longing when he thought about you being pregnant. 

You bristled at what you saw now in his expression, the disappointment, and the hurt. 

Your stomach plummeted. You could never give Joel what he wanted. You weren’t enough.

Joel cleared his throat. “I ah...I should let you get your rest,” he said, his voice rough.

And just like that, the pain and the fear you’d set free took a big chunk out of your soul.

You heard the door to your motel room close and suddenly found yourself alone, and that’s when the true wall crumbled. The tears came and refused to stop, not until after every last one had been wrung out of you. And then after that, you ran. Ran from the heartache and the loss, away from those who knew you, away from Jackson. 

You ran as far as you could run.

Far enough that there would be no expectations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of Part One.  
> I warned you it would be a soap opera. Hope you enjoyed!


	14. Chapter 14

PART TWO

Two Years Later / Northern California

“Birdy! Look! It’s up! It’s up!”

You looked up, smiling at the nine-year-old boy running along the open field. The kite he pulled behind him caught up in the gust of air gathered by the effort. But as quickly as the kite went up, it spiraled and crashed down into the ground.

The boy, disheartened, looked at you on the verge of tears.

“Aaron, I think you’re gonna need a little more wind, buddy,” you said, wiping dampness from your brow.

“I need help,” he called out.

You shook your head, not wanting to get up and run with a kite. “You just need wind.”

It was an unusually hot summer day, stifling in fact. Usually, the tree canopy was enough to keep the temperature bearable, but with no wind, not even the trees’ shade over the picnic table you sat at helped.

Aaron, the little boy you had agreed to keep an eye on while his parents did maintenance on the wind turbine, had convinced you to bring him to the park to fly a kite his father had brought back from the last scavenging trip. The small park was off the main road that cut through the town of Fairvale, a survivor settlement you’d settled into for nearly a year. 

Population of 253. Last week it had been 255, but a small horde had overwhelmed a patrol scouting the river, and the community had lost two. You hadn’t planned on staying on for so long. You never did with other smaller settlements you had come across, it had been easy to move along, but by the time you reached Fairvale, you had found yourself tired of traveling- tired of running. 

In the distance, you heard Aaron’s name called.

The boy’s head perked up. “Mom and dad are back!” The kite was forgotten on the ground as he ran toward the direction of the sound. “Bye, Birdy!” he called behind him.

His parents appeared in the distance, and you watched Aaron run into his mother’s arms while his father smiled down at them both. Your own smile formed across your lips, followed by a brief pang that hit your chest as you remembered that feeling of comfort and safety, and for a moment, you were reminded of what you left behind.

The father looked up and caught your eye, lifted his hand, and gave you a wave of thanks before he gathered his family, and they went about their day. You stood up from the table, ready to begin your own day.

“I appreciate you watching Aaron for Hector and Bella.”

You turned to see an older woman walking toward you, the driving force behind the reason you remained for so long.

“Hello, Marcella,” you said. “Have I told you about the time it took me four months to find parts for a hydroelectric dam?”

The woman chuckled and shook her head of grey curls. “That one you have not told me.”

Marcella Caballero had started the settlement of Fairvale nearly twenty years ago. She and her husband, Martin, both doctors, had been supported in their effort by a group of young at-risk youth they had worked with at a youth detention center, making the decision to release them rather than abandon them locked in rooms during the initial outbreak. A group that could have turned into hunters had instead created a safe haven for other survivors. Now a lot of those same youths were grown, some with families and on the settlement council.

Fairvale grew under Marcella and Martin’s guidance, and when their numbers had doubled, they’d formed the council. Like many other settlements, a fortified wall had been built around Fairvale to protect the community. Power to the town was provided by several small wind turbines as well as solar panels. The land was fertile, and they found many survivors from the area who arrived had experience with farming and managing livestock. And despite setbacks and losses, the settlement managed to thrive through the years.

You first met Marcella when she’d interviewed you on your arrival, and in each other, you both found a kindred spirit. Marcella herself had lost her husband two years ago to the infected during a wall breach. While the event devastated her, she remained active in the community and continued her work on the council. She had surprised you when she commented that she liked you and that you were strong, even though at the time you’d been feeling your lowest. 

Over the year, you opened up and shared memories that you didn’t think you’d be able to communicate with anyone, but Marcella was a good listener and patient. She knew of your regrets and your hopes, saw you as the daughter she never had, and you saw her as a mother figure to confide in with no judgment. 

This time you didn’t shy away and hide. With Marcella’s guidance, you eased into the community and found a spot among them. There had even been romantic overtures, and you didn’t turn them down for the same reasons you had in the past. Joel was always in the back of your mind. Marcella knew this and never tried to push you to move on. Perhaps it was because she had lost her own husband and knew that heartache, and while not the same it was perhaps similar. She somehow understood that your heart was not yours to give.

“We’ve received newcomers,” Marcella said, looking at you. “I’d like you to help me interview them.” 

You knew what this was about and didn’t bother hiding the sigh that escaped your lips. “Marcella...”

“Birdy, I’m not asking you to join the council,” Marcella tsked. “I just want you to see more of what goes on and then make an educated decision on the matter.”

Marcella had brought up the subject of you joining the council and taking her place. You had immediately shot down the idea, but she remained hopeful that you would change your mind. 

You grabbed your rifle that was propped against the table and swung the strap over your shoulder. “This,” you started and raised your finger as if scolding a child. “This is the last time.”

“Of course, dear,” Marcella’s replied, but you didn’t miss the small smile that tugged the corner of her mouth.

The small group of outsiders had been brought to the holding cells beneath the courthouse after showing up at the main gate. You and Marcella were met by a third man, who was also a member of the council.

“Hello, William,” Marcella greeted him by name. “Do you have any information on our new arrivals?”

William nodded his head. “Marcella. Birdy,” he said. The three of you proceeded to the basement. “They arrived this morning. Heavily armed and in reasonable shape, a little on the hungry side. Say they just came from Nevada and are making their way north. Act like ex-soldiers. Got their leader in Room A.”

You passed several guards before coming to the door of Room A. William paused at a long side table where another guard stood. You set your rifle down on the table and then unholstered your gun, setting it down beside it. William and Marcella did the same with their weapons. Then William opened the door, and you all walked in.

The leader sat at a metal table, his hands in handcuffs attached to a chain mounted on the top. He didn’t move and didn’t say a word as Marcella and William sat down at the table in front of him. There was a third chair, but you didn’t take it and took a position off to the side against the wall to observe.

The man definitely looked like a soldier, sitting straight in his chair, only his eyes moved. You noticed the ball chain tucked beneath his buttoned shirt and the thick scar that ran down the side of his face, partially covered by a thick beard. His dark eyes moved to you.

Marcella cleared her throat. “Firstly, would you mind telling us your name?”

The soldier didn’t answer. Instead, his eyes narrowed, and he tilted his head as he regarded you. “I know you,” he said with an accent. Your back stiffened, and you looked at him harder, trying to figure out where you might have crossed paths. A smile of recognition cracked his scarred face. “Tommy Miller. That’s it. You left with Tommy.”

There was only one place you’d left with Tommy. “You’re a Firefly?” you asked.

The soldier shook his head. “Didn’t you hear? There are no more Fireflies. For years now.” He looked back at you, visibly more relaxed, but you sensed he was anything but. “Birdy, wasn’t it? You don’t remember me, but I guess that’s not a surprise. You didn’t talk much then,” he said. “The name’s Herrera. I knew Tommy, though. Surprised us all when you left with him. None of us realized you two even knew each other.”

“We didn’t.”

Herrera laughed. The sound reverberated through the small room. “No shit?” He lifted his cuffed hands, which didn’t seem to bother him, and scratched his beard. “Figures. Hey! Tommy, he here with you?”

The question caught you off guard, and you fumbled over your words. “Uh...no. It’s uh, it’s been years since I’ve seen him.” It was the truth. You just wished you sounded more convincing. You switched gears. “You’ve got a good memory.”

Herrera shook his head. “Naw, not really. Just, uh, Tommy’s name came up not too long ago. Damn strange running into you. Guess there’s a lot of us just wandering around, eh? For a while I ran with an old Firefly from Salt Lake, telling the damnest story about what happened there.”

You processed what he was telling you, and there was something about the mention of Salt Lake City that tickled at your memory. “What story?” you asked.

“Just a story - if you can believe this, they had an immune person. Then some one-man-army burned the place to the ground, just a lot of crazy talk really,” Herrara paused to recollect everything in his mind before continuing. “He talked about there being a cure. Yeah, right! Can you imagine?” Herrera shook his head and chuckled, then his eyes met yours again, and you felt suddenly uncomfortable under his stare. “He asked me if I knew Tommy. They were looking for him...no, not just him. Did Tommy have a brother?”

An uneasy feeling began to unfurl in your belly. Your eyes cut to Marcella’s, who had been witnessing the exchange quietly. She gave you a concerned look before you looked back to Herrera.

Then William chimed in before you could speak. “Isn’t Tommy that fella you ran with in Wyoming?”

You cursed William then. There would be no way to deny it without it coming off as a lie, and right now, Herrera was just sharing a wild story.

“Uh, yeah,” you said, your mouth suddenly dry.

Herrera just nodded at your unenthusiastic response. You kept your expression neutral. No one in the room could feel your heart racing, see your mind filled with questions.

“Is this Firefly from Salt Lake with you now?”

Herrera shook his head and looked away, pain etched on his features. “Naw, lost him to infected. Good man...” You frowned, and Herrera mistook your disappointment for sympathy. “Look, we’re headed up north. Won’t be any trouble to you...just need some food and a little rest, and we’ll be on our way.”

It took a moment for you to refocus on the current situation. “That’s up to these two,” you said, motioning to Marcella and William. “Just answer their questions and there shouldn’t be a problem.”

Marcella then took over the questioning, but you were only barely aware of what they were saying as your mind became consumed with piecing together what Herrera just told you and what it had to do with Joel. Then Ellie popped into your mind, and it all started falling into place. And the more you thought about it, the more your gut twisted.

***

The knock at the door finally came.

You’d been expecting it, surprised that it hadn’t come sooner.

You opened the door and found Marcella standing there on the deck. You pulled the door open wider and motioned for her to enter. 

Without a word, Marcella entered your cabin. Though small, it was still more significant than anything you’d stayed in for any amount of time. It had a queen-sized bed, room enough for a small living room with a couch and television, a kitchenette, and a small bathroom. But more importantly, it was homey. You’d even managed to find some knickknacks that cluttered the few shelves around the room. It wasn’t just a place to sleep and store your things. You watched movies, ate food, sometimes meals you’d cooked, you drank with Marcella, talked and laughed - and cried. 

Now looking at Marcella standing in the space, somehow, she looked older, more fragile. Marcella looked to your bag, already packed sitting on the table in the kitchenette, several weapons beside it.

“I see you’re ready.”

“Marcella-”

Marcella took a seat on the couch, and you joined her. “I’ve already spoken to the others. You can take what you need from the armory,” she said, her eyes finally meeting yours. You were surprised by what you saw, not anger, no disappointment, not even sadness. Instead, there was calmness and understanding.

You were bewildered for a moment, and then you reached out and wrapped your hand around hers.

“You could come with me,” you said.

Marcella smiled and moved her hand over yours and patted it gently. “No, my dear, I belong here - with Martin.”

“You’re not upset I’m leaving? You won’t try to stop me?”

“Oh, no! Never,” Marcella said, her tone admonishing. “I’m happy for you, Birdy.” You gave her a confused look. Marcella’s smile grew. “Don’t you see? This is why you wouldn’t join the council. You’ve just been waiting for a reason. Now you have it. Now it’s time for you to go home.”

Home. The word took the breath out of you, so overwhelmed you folded over and your body shook with sobs. 

Once the outburst passed and your body settled, you sat up and wiped the tears from your face, felt Marcella’s hand that had been rubbing your back soothingly, pulled away.

You looked into the other woman’s warm eyes.

“They’ll hate me.”

“It’s a possibility.”

You let out a shaky breath.

Marcella grabbed your hand and squeezed. “You’re strong, Birdy. You’ll have to work for forgiveness, fight for it,” she said. “This is where you start.”

From the time you’d left Jackson, you’d wanted to run back. Marcella was right, you were waiting for a reason, and now you had it. You had to warn Joel and protect Ellie. But years had passed, and you worried. They will have moved on. Would you be strong enough to see Joel settled with someone else? Your heart clenched, and then you thought of Ellie. If what you believed was true… 

You had to make sure she was safe - that they were both safe.

It was dark when you slipped into the guest house. You didn’t tell Marcella what you planned, unsure if she would try and stop you. The two of you had dinner and then said your goodbyes. You watched her walk off into the early evening. It would be the last time you would see her, and you would be forever thankful for her. You hoped she wouldn’t be too disappointed by what you were about to do and hoped she would understand.

You pulled out your gun. The guest house was set aside from the main community, separated by a guard fence. You’d spent two weeks out here before moving into your cabin. There were no guards stationed at the guest house to put new arrivals at ease, but there were guards in the towers, so you had been careful when you moved across the large dirt yard, making sure not to be detected.

Questions filled your mind, but you were resolved to what you had to do. You couldn’t take any chances. If you planned this correctly, it would be quick.

You steadied yourself before you opened the door slowly. When you looked into the room, you found it empty. No Hererra or any of the people he’d traveled with. You’re stomach dropped. 

You were too late.

***

“Another one,” Tommy said, toeing the infected corpse with his boot. “Looks like they’re doing all the work for us.”

Joel sat atop his horse and waited as Tommy brought his rifle up and scanned the area through his scope. It’d been a few weeks since a patrol had been out to the northwest lookout. They’d expected to come across some infected, but finding them dead had not been. Now they’d found several, all on the trail, shot dead center through the head. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, Tommy lowered his rifle and walked back to his horse and mounted. 

Once settled in the saddle, Tommy looked at Joel. “Well, I’m gonna call it a trail, and I think we’re meant to follow it.”

Joel nodded his head. “I think you’re right. They wanted our attention,” he said, gripping the shotgun in his lap. “They got it.”

As they continued along the trail, neither spoke, both listening for any sounds out of the ordinary, anything that would give them a warning if they were walking into a trap. So far, there had been nothing, and Joel found the quiet to be more unnerving. He thought of the other patrols. He’d made note of Ellie’s name on the board before he and Tommy had left. The one thing that put him at ease was that she was on one of the shorter routes closer to Jackson. It had bothered him when she’d stopped doing group patrols, but he’d found his hands tied. No longer did he have a say in what she did.

Their relationship had changed so drastically in the last year. Ellie avoided him whenever possible, only talked to him if she had to, and then treated him like a stranger. Everyone brushed it off as teenage rebellion, but the truth was more complicated than that. She’d felt betrayed but had kept her promise and stayed in Jackson. He’d been thankful for that. Now he was forced to watch after her from afar. It pained him that he wasn’t in her life, he thought all she needed was time but the more time passed, the more significant the gap between them grew.

They were coming up on the lodge and still no signs of any other persons beside Tommy and Joel. They’d passed one more dead infected but didn’t bother to stop. It had become obvious where their final destination would be.

As they approached, they noticed the lodge doors open. 

“Curiouser and curiouser,” Joel muttered, dismounting from his horse.

Tommy came around, holding his revolver. “I’ll go first. If they’d wanted to take us out, they could have done it at any point before now,” he said. “Watch my back.”

“I’ll follow your lead,” Joel replied, holding up the shotgun.

Joel took a position behind a metal pillar as Tommy approached the open doorway. He couldn’t make out anything in the room from his position as he readied his shotgun.

Tommy leaned up against the wall at the side of the entryway. “Hello?” he called out. “Found your trail. Comin’ inside now.”

Joel’s muscles grew tight as he watched Tommy move in and immediately took his vacated position by the door. 

Before he could peer around to take a look inside, Tommy’s exclamation of “Jesus Christ” had Joel following blindly on Tommy’s heels. His shotgun was up and ready, prepared for anything. What it didn’t prepare him for was what greeted him once he entered the lodge.

Joel stopped short, caught up in a whirlwind of emotion that took over him, and flipped his insides. A cold sweat broke over him as his brain processed what he was seeing. Slowly the gears finally kicked into place at the realization what he was seeing wasn’t a figment of his imagination. 

Birdy stood in front of the wall of windows that overlooked the mountainside. 

“You took your time getting here,” she said, giving them a shaky smile. 

Not a dream.

Tommy, who had been in a similar stunned state, recovered more quickly. “Jesus Christ,” he repeated, moving toward her, then enveloped her in his arms. 

Joel stood there and watched as the two hugged. They spoke, their voices muffled against one another, and Joel couldn’t make out what was being said, but the soft laughter that followed suggested feelings hadn’t changed between the two.

Birdy looked up over Tommy’s shoulder, her eyes meeting his, and they held as she pulled away from Tommy. 

“Joel.” There was no missing the nervousness in her voice. “How are you?”

The question triggered something inside him, and he frowned. How could he answer that? He noticed Tommy still had his arm around her, not having the same issues as Joel, and it only caused him to be annoyed. 

“What are you doing here?” It came out harsher than he would have liked, and yet she didn’t look upset with him, as if his reaction had been expected, which made his gut wrench. 

Tommy dropped his arm from around her shoulders and looked between the two of them, an uneasy look in his eyes. “How’s about we all sit down?”

Neither of them moved. Birdy’s eyes shined with tears, and he thought for a moment that she might shy away, but she didn’t and continued to hold his gaze. Her expression changed, becoming more serious.

“I know about Salt Lake City.”

***

Joel’s eyes didn’t leave Birdy when Tommy insisted they all sit down. It was a sound idea considering he needed to sit down or else he might fall over. First, the shock of seeing her alive and then the bombshell she’d just dropped. Had she been with the Fireflies all this time? Thoughts swam in his mind, and any feelings towards her he’d pushed aside. He needed to know what she was thinking. Was she here for Ellie? Joel’s stomach tightened with apprehension. He didn’t want to think about what that would mean.

Tommy and Birdy sat on a couch opposite him. “Why don’t you tell us what happened?” Tommy said. His brother sounded calm, but Joel caught the worried glance Tommy shot him. “Now what’s this ‘bout Salt Lake?”

Birdy looked at Tommy, and then her eyes found Joel again. “I know what happened in Salt Lake City,” she repeated. She said it slow, and if he hadn’t been so anxious, he might have seen the understanding in her eyes, but all he felt was judgment. He looked away, and she turned back to Tommy. “You remember a man named Herrera? He was with us down in Colorado.”

Tommy nodded his head. “Uh, yeah, sure, I remember him.”

“Well, I didn’t, but he remembered me, remembered that we ran off together,” Birdy said.

The reminder of her and Tommy’s past didn’t feel particularly good. Joel leaned back on the couch and crossed his arms over his chest, trying to distance himself. “So what, you’ve been with the Fireflies this entire time?”

She kept her eyes diverted from his, and he wondered if she felt hurt by his accusation. “Joel, there are no more Fireflies.” She paused, letting that information sink in before she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “He asked about Tommy, said they were looking for him. The story goes there was a one-man army that took them down. Then he asked about Tommy’s brother.”

Birdy looked at him, meeting his hard look squarely. “You that one-man army, Joel?”

Joel ignored her question. “And what did you tell him?”

Her eyes softened. “I didn’t tell him anything,” she said before averting her eyes. “But someone I was with recalled me telling them about Tommy being in Wyoming.”

The feeling of jealousy caught Joel off guard. Who was this someone that Birdy had been comfortable enough with to talk about Tommy? Where had she been for the last two years?

“If the Fireflies are gone,” Tommy said, interrupting his thoughts. “Who’s this 'they' Herrera was talkin’ ‘bout?”

Birdy started as if she had forgotten Tommy was there. “Um, I don’t know. The Firefly that told him the story is dead,” she said. 

Then Joel saw it in the way her eyes glanced between Tommy and him. There was more to the story, but she was stalling, and he knew it. Ignorance wasn’t a luxury he could afford. He had to know what he was up against, and there was no point beating around the bush.

“Tommy knows.”

Birdy looked stunned. “So, there was a cure?”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“Herrera said there was someone...someone immune,” Birdy said quietly and Joel knew what she was going to say next. “Ellie… she’s immune, isn’t she?”

“Yes.”

Birdy gasped. “I was too late,” she said. “I was prepared to...to keep them from ever finding you - and Ellie. But I was too late, and they were gone before I could...”

Joel’s eyes narrowed. “Is Ellie safe?” He saw the anguish on Birdy’s face, and it shifted something in him. The urge to go to her was strong.

Tommy put his hand on her shoulder to reassure her, and Joel felt the sting of that.

Birdy closed her eyes, then opened them. Their gazes met. 

“I don’t know,” she finally said, looking at him, helpless. "I was too late."

Joel felt the enormity of what she’d confessed. She would have killed. 

For Ellie.

For him.

He let that sink in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, part two. Hope you're ready.


	15. Chapter 15

“Well, that didn’t go too badly.” 

You glanced at Tommy, who walked beside you as the two of you left the community center.

“You were expecting trouble?” you asked, adjusting your rifle and backpack.

Tommy reached over and took the rifle from you as you walked. “Nowadays, you never know with Maria,” he said, slinging the strap over his shoulder. “She’s always gettin’ riled up about something.”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “You two, okay?”

“Yep.” he replied but didn’t meet your eyes. “Just a lot going on - with bandits and all.”

You weren’t convinced and worried there might be something wrong with Tommy and Maria’s relationship but decided to let it go, for now. Tommy had been happy to see you back and hadn’t given you much grief for leaving. If anything, he seemed to be the only one you could imagine knowing what it was like to come back after taking off without warning. But you didn’t want to assume anything.

The meeting with Maria had gone well. At first, surprised by your reappearance, by the end, she’d been indifferent. You supposed that was something. Tommy had done most of the talking, filling in his wife on your encounter with the former Firefly and the possible threat to Jackson, Ellie specifically. You found out that Maria only just learned of Ellie’s immunity in the past year. She showed concern for Ellie’s safety and contemplated if they should take her off patrols entirely, but Tommy had talked her out of the idea. You noted that Maria seemed relieved, then uncharacteristically she shared with you how Jackson had been hit hard the last year, and manning patrols had been a struggle. That she even shared that with you told you how troubled she was, and you couldn’t help noticing how tired she looked. Tommy had remained quiet, giving his wife a sympathetic look.

You and Tommy walked the rest of the way in silence down a side road that led to the motel. When you finally reached the stairs, Tommy stopped and handed you your rifle back.

“Look, I’m gonna give you some time to settle, then let’s talk, alright?” he said, meeting your eyes. “I’ll schedule us for patrol.”

You nodded your head. “Sounds good, Tommy.”

He smiled and then wrapped his arms around you in a hug. “Good to have you back,” he said into your hair before he pulled back and looked you over. He shook his head and chuckled softly. “You better be here tomorrow.”

You gave him a reassuring smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”

His smile faded before he turned you toward the stairs. “Okay then, now git,” he said, giving you a gentle shove. “Go get some rest. Eugene will no doubt be here once I tell him.”

You looked over your shoulder. “Thanks again, Tommy,” you said.

Tommy shrugged his shoulder and then turned and walked back in the direction of the community center, no doubt to rejoin Maria.

Standing in front of the door to your room, it was suddenly surreal. When you’d left the small motel room two years ago, you never imagined being back, and you’re not sure how to feel now that you were. 

You opened the door and stepped in, propped your rifle against the wall, set your bag down on the bed, and switched on the light. The room looked the same, with nothing having been changed or moved. It was still grey and functional, but somehow it was different, smaller, and gloomier. It was a stark contrast to the small cabin in Fairvale, where you’d learned to start living. Not that you wanted to go back. What you hoped was that you brought some of that change you found back with you.

You unzipped your backpack and pulled out the one item that hadn't been a necessity but you’d carried with you as if it were. A framed picture of you and Marcella, both smiling. You set it down on the small nightstand beside the bed. You imagined talking to Marcella, telling her about your day, the long trek to get back to Jackson, seeing Joel again. 

Unfortunately, it was a one-sided conversation.

You sighed as your mind drifted to Joel.

Unsurprising, Joel had departed the stables almost immediately when the three of you had arrived hours earlier and hadn’t been seen since. You figured he’d gone to find Ellie. After everything you told him, you couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was thinking. You knew you would have a difficult road ahead of you when it came to mending your relationships and didn’t want to be disappointed by his reaction, but accepting his coolness towards you stung more than you’d anticipated.

The ride from the ski lodge had been awkward, Tommy had filled most of it with questions, and the rest of the time had been left to silent introspection. It’d given you time to process what you’d learned. After confirming what you’d been able to piece together, it all made sense. How protective Joel was of Ellie. His distrust of Fireflies. Then there was the burn on Ellie’s arm. You told yourself it wouldn’t have mattered if you never knew of her immunity. Tommy knew, and maybe Joel would have eventually told you, or perhaps not, he’d rejected you, you reminded yourself. You didn’t expect any explanation from him on why he’d left you that night after you’d shared your story and revealed your pain. Could it be guilt causing the awkwardness between the two of you? 

A knock at the door brought you out of your thoughts. There were a number of people you might have expected to see, but Joel was the one least likely. So you stood there for a moment, taken back by the sight of him standing there in front of you. You took in all the differences you’d noted when he’d followed Tommy into the ski lodge. He looked healthy, a little thicker around the waist. The lines around his eyes had deepened, and his hair was longer and greyer, his beard a little scruffy, but he was still all rugged male. The years seemed to have only made him more attractive. 

“Hello, Joel,” you managed to say, hoping not to betray your rattled emotions, while your heart thudded in your chest. 

There was uncertainty in his eyes as he glanced from you to the room then back. “Um, if I’m not interrupting, I’d like to have a word,” he said, and before you could respond or even step back and let him in, he turned and walked toward the balcony railing.

Feeling suddenly nervous, you stepped out the door and followed him. You placed your hands on the railing, looking out over the main road. It seemed since you’d been gone nothing had changed much in Jackson. You saw most of the same small markets and shops, some now with different names. People milled about looking between storefronts in what was turning into a warm summer evening.

Joel shifted next to you as you both stared out at the scene below. Returned was the same tension you felt at the ski lodge when you’d sat across from him, a sensation that seemed to be mounting the longer you were in his presence, making you more aware of him. You wondered if he felt it too.

He dropped his chin and studied his hands wrapped around the railing. “This place you were at, out in California, sounds like it was a good situation. Reckon it must have been hard to leave,” Joel started, his voice rough. A warmth swept through you at the knowledge he’d been listening to your conversation with Tommy earlier. “I uh...I didn’t thank you for coming back.” He cleared his throat and clarified. “For giving us the warning. That couldn’t have been an easy distance to cover.”

“It wasn’t hard,” you replied.

Joel shot you a look from the corner of his eye. “Pardon?”

“When I heard what happened, I didn’t think twice,” you said. “I only thought of Ellie and you. There wasn’t a choice.”

You saw the confusion and turmoil in his eyes. “Well…,” he said and shifted his weight. “When you see Ellie, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything to her about all this.”

“But - “

“Please,” he said tightly. “Ellie don’t need to worry about this. I’ll handle it.”

Of course, you didn’t doubt that he could. He’d handled it all, and whatever burden he carried, he carried it alone. How much would he carry until he broke?

“You don’t have to do this on your own, Joel,” you said softly. He was so close it would have been easy to reach out and wrap your hand around his, but you resisted the urge. “I’m here to help.”

He looked at you again, this time staring intently into your eyes as if looking for an answer to a question, then looked away and back down to his hands without saying anything.

Minutes stretched out, but neither of you made a move toward or away from each other. The tension from earlier seemed to have receded though not gone completely. You considered whether he had someone to get back to. Did you even dare ask? 

Instead, you asked, “How is Ellie?”

“Fine.”

“She must be so big now.”

Joel nodded. “You’d be right.”

You were unfazed by his short answers. You would see Ellie soon enough and see for yourself, and imagined that conversation would be just as uncomfortable. What you did latch onto was the fact that Joel remained, talking to you, even though it was so far one-sided.

“I see the barbeque changed. Still good?”

“Not bad.”

You let out a startled laugh, a reaction that could be blamed on nerves more than on anything amusing, releasing some of your anxiety. “That’s quite an endorsement.”

Joel said nothing but the hint of a smile that played at the corner of this mouth spoke volumes, caused your heart to flutter. 

“How is Esther?” You had no right to ask, but you did anyway. 

It was a simple question, but the way Joel visibly stiffened and the good feeling that had begun to slowly build instantly vanished told you it was precisely the wrong question to ask.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-” 

“Esther died,” he said, cutting you off. “Infected at the dam this past winter.”

Your stomach dropped, and your throat tightened. “I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“There anything else you'd like to know?” he asked brusquely.

“Joel...I didn’t mean...”

Joel turned to face you, his expression tight, his lips flattened into a line. But it was the bleakness you saw in his gaze that caused you to flinch. “You’re gonna find a few things around here have changed,” he said before he pushed away from the railing. “I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doin’.”

You fought back tears as you watched him walk away from you and make his way down the stairs, with not even a glance back at you. Once he was out of eyesight, you took a breath. Esther was dead. You were conscious suddenly of the fact that you hadn’t even been back a day and had no more insight than a stranger. 

Your hands tightened around the railing at the frustration you were feeling. You’d relayed the information, and the fact was your presence was not necessary. It dawned on you that maybe that was what Joel was trying to tell you. The idea fed a feeling of dread that was making you question your reasons for staying.

You shook your head to free your mind of doubt. You wouldn’t believe Joel would feel that way. Maybe it was denial, but you'd felt it, that something between you. 

“Holy Shit! Birdy, you’re back!” a voice boomed from the road, piercing your dark thoughts, and you instantly recognized it belonged to Eugene. You wiped the wetness from your eyes and looked down. Despite how terrible you felt at your revelation, seeing your old friend, a genuine smile spread across your face. Eugene shouted up at you. “I didn’t believe Tommy. Now ‘cmon and get your ass down here, woman!” 

Curious eyes looked between Eugene on the street and you up on the motel's balcony. One woman specifically walked up to Eugene, a disgruntled look on her face.

“There are children here,” she scolded.

Eugene rolled his eyes. “Pretty sure I didn’t father any of them, so how are they my concern?”

Tears sprang to your eyes again. You would forever be grateful for Eugene. You hurried to make your way down to run interference. Eugene was exactly what you needed after Joel’s visit.

***

What had started as a small carving had now been whittled down to scrap. Joel blew out a breath as he tossed the piece of wood on the table in front of him, his frustration getting the better of him. 

He’d left the motel, come back to his house and gone straight to his workroom, turned on some music, and hoped to clear his mind. Usually, his woodworking helped him relax as his hands worked, but he was finding no such relief as his mind refused to settle.

He hadn’t meant to blow up at Birdy the way he did and knew he might’ve handled it better.

Joel put his elbow on the table and rested his head in his hand, his fingers squeezed at his temples. He blew out another breath, thinking about what had happened, not less than an hour ago on the balcony of the motel, but what had happened two years ago inside Birdy’s motel room.

He’d had what he thought at the time was the beginning of something special, and it had quickly turned into an absolute disaster and only managed to get worse from there. He’d let his guard down, bought into the promise of having a somewhat normal life. But no matter how much he’d endured, the hard truths would not allow him to be rewarded, first, Birdy’s confession and then Ellie’s rejection.

Once again, he would need to learn to adapt. It had been a challenge with Ellie, but he’d done it to a degree. He would have to do the same with Birdy. He didn’t want to be angry with her, but he never liked being played a fool.

But why had she gone and asked about Esther? 

Esther’s fate had hit everyone hard, and maybe there had been some guilt that he hadn’t been able to make any commitments to the woman. Birdy was only looking for absolution, he told himself, to feel better if he’d moved on.

Joel remembered going back to Birdy’s motel room, prepared to put up a fight. They were good together, and he just wanted Birdy to see it. He understood her pain, and if he hadn’t let his own wounded pride get in the way, we would have never left her, but by the time he’d figured it out, she was gone. Weeks of worry followed. Everyone that knew about their relationship looked at him, he was never sure if it was pity or blame, but no one said a word, not even Ellie.

And for days, Ellie had cried, demanded they go look for her, and they did, just not for as long as Ellie had wanted. He remembered the day they stopped looking. She’d cried the hardest then, and the next day she was back to her regular patrols and no longer asked about Birdy. It was then that his worry had turned to resentment and made it easier to move on. 

But he’d never moved on. It didn’t help that she still looked good and the fact that she affected him so strongly, even now years later, had him bracing for a fight against himself to resist that pull.

She had left.

But so had he.

He’d come back.

And now so had she.

Joel looked out the window. It was dark now, with only the street lights illuminating the night. Perhaps a night out at the Tipsy Bison was called for, but he didn’t imagine he’d be good company, so he pushed that idea aside. And what if he saw Birdy again? He’d heard Eugene’s voice as he’d left the motel. No doubt the two of them would be spending the evening together, maybe Tommy would be joining them.

He closed his eyes and imagined them together, old friends and something more. Smiling and laughing as if no time had passed.

Joel opened his eyes, refocusing on the scrap of wood on the table, then slowly he stood up from the workbench, resigning himself to an early evening in bed reading. He turned toward the door but instantly stopped in his tracks at the sight of Ellie standing in the doorway.

“Ellie?” he asked, a little dumbfounded. It had been some time since she’d been in the house. Ellie stood there, pulling at something between her fingers. She was nervous, and when she looked up at him, he saw the vulnerability in her eyes, and of course, he knew why she was there. “Something wrong?”

“Is it true?” she said, her eyes narrowing. “Is she back, Joel?”

Joel had wanted to find her, to tell her that Birdy was back, had secretly been eager for that conversation, for that connection. They had so few words between them for the past year. The last time they’d spent a significant time together had been looking for and then mourning Birdy. 

Now he didn’t know what to say, his own feelings jumbled.

Ellie’s eyes drifted around the room, a room that had once been offered to her. She’d spent one night in it and decided it wasn’t hers. Now it was Joel’s hobby room, and the shelves that lined the wall on one side filled with the woodworkings he’d completed. Her eyes rested on the corner where he’d set up a space for the guitars he’d picked up over the years. Where hours had been spent teaching her how to read sheet music and play their notes, those lessons had ended before she’d run off to Salt Lake City for answers, but it was something he always looked fondly back on. 

Joel took in a breath. “I tried to find you, but you were still out on patrol,” he said as way of explanation.

He watched and waited for a response. The silence between them stretched uncomfortably.

Joel finally cleared his throat. “You wanna talk about it?”

Ellie’s brow furrowed, and she shook her head slightly.

“No,” she said, turned, and then as if she was never there at all, she was gone.

As much as he wanted to, Joel didn’t bother calling after her. His chest hurt. It always did at the way Ellie looked at him, the way she struggled to be in the same room with him. What she saw as his betrayal had been about her survival, and as much as it frustrated him that she didn’t understand that, he never pushed.

Feeling weary, Joel allowed himself to move toward his bedroom. He didn’t bother washing up, nor did he need a book to wind down, feeling suddenly exhausted. It had been a long day with a lot to take in, and a good night’s sleep was all he needed.

At least that’s what he told himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments everyone!  
> Sorry I'm so late on this one. Things just got suddenly busy, then I was reworking this next part, then the election, then work - then Sims :p  
> A friend made this great Joel sim and I had to start a legacy. I totally recommend him - https://tinyurl.com/y6hmqxc5  
> I had to make a custom hair which I've never made a custom anything for Sims... 
> 
> Anywho - The next chapter will be up shortly - things will be ticking up a notch. Hope you enjoy!


	16. Chapter 16

Despite the headache, it felt good to be back on a horse, and even better being reunited with Goose. The dapple grey seemed almost as happy to see you when you approached her in the stables. You’d doubled with Tommy coming from the lodge, but it’d been some time before that since you last rode, and no doubt you’d be feeling it later, but for the moment, you couldn’t be happier as you and Tommy made your way along the trail. 

Nursing a hangover had not been how you wanted to start your first morning back on patrol. Things had gotten off to a rocky start when you’d been late meeting up with Tommy at the stables, missing the briefing, all because you’d overslept. Eugene had been keeping you out late the last couple nights since you’d been back, making you pay for leaving by running up a tab with Seth at the Tipsy Bison. But you didn’t regret the late-nights, Eugene, plus the beer had been a soothing balm to your inner turmoils.

You’d spent the last two days reacquainting yourself to Jackson and catching up on some much needed rest. You’d tried to find Ellie and was disappointed to learn that she had gone to the dam and wouldn’t be back for days. You began to worry that she might have left because she was avoiding you, and not just Ellie, Joel had also been doing his best to keep out of sight. You had caught a glimpse of him briefly in the Tipsy Bison, and just as quick he was gone, another reason for the late night with Eugene.

A breeze swept through the canyon and you breathed in the scent of the pine and fir trees. Goose’s easy sway rocked you gently, synced with her movements, you could have easily drifted off to sleep. 

This particular route took you up a forested slope out of the canyon until there was only clear blue above. The sun hadn’t quite reached mid sky yet. You tilted your face up toward its warm rays, closed your eyes, and let Goose lead the way. It wouldn’t be long before the trail descended back down into the tall trees. You let the familiarity of it all sink in.

Tommy chuckled.

You pulled down the brim of the stetson you wore, blocking the sun from your eyes, and looked over at him riding beside you.

“What’s so funny?”

He shook his own hat covered head. A smile spread across his face. “Surprised is all.”

“By?”

“You letting Eugene keep you up all night,” he said, the amusement clear in his voice. “Not somethin’ you woulda done before. Heard you and Eugene shut the bar down - again.”

It was true. In the past, your evenings had ended pretty early unless you’d had guard duty. When you had met up with Eugene before, it would be for dinner and maybe a drink. You’d never gotten so drunk that you’d nearly missed patrol. But you’d actually been having a good time, drinking and throwing darts, listening to stories, telling a few of your own. It was definitely not the way you used to be. “Well, I’ve changed,” you said and liked the way it sounded.

“I’m seeing that,” Tommy said, turning his head away from you to look ahead. The smile stayed on his face. “It’s a good look on you.”

“Thanks, but it’s not feeling too good, so I won’t be making a habit of it,” you told him, giving Goose a rub on the neck.

“Well, how’s it feel being back?” Tommy asked.

You turned your head and regarded Tommy. “You know it feels good and strange all at the same time,” you confessed. “How did you feel? When you came back?”

“Like I had a bellyache that wouldn’t go away.”

You grimaced. Sometimes you were so focused on your own self-care that you conveniently forgot about all the hurt you’d caused, and now you understood how hard it must have been for Tommy to come back. “I’m sorry about that, Tommy. For doing that to you. We haven’t talked much about that time, mostly because I couldn’t handle it but - ” You took a fortifying breath and looked out at the path, Goose steady beneath you, moving you forward. “Well, I’ve worked a lot of it out now. Thanks to a friend. It still doesn’t absolve me from the way I acted, but I’m trying to make it better. I really do think of this place as my home, and I missed it - missed you. Your friendship means a lot to me.”

“Hey now, that’s all in the past, and this is your home, Birdy,” Tommy said. “It’s good you worked things out. Holding all that in couldn’t have been an easy thing. And look, that wasn’t all your fault. I was so caught up in my own ideas. I wasn’t paying attention, and I don’t particularly like the idea that I had you backed into a corner.”

“Tommy, you didn’t - “

Tommy raised his hand, cutting off anything you might have said. “I’m a grown man, Birdy. I’ll take responsibility for my decisions if that’s alright by you,” he said. “Besides, things worked out for me despite all that. I got lucky with Maria. Still don’t see what she sees in me, but I'm no fool, I won’t press my luck by askin’.”

For moments there were only the sounds of the horses and their hooves beating the ground as you and Tommy let things settle between you, and then Tommy added, lightening the tone. “Though I’ll remind you that I didn’t stay away for nearly as long.”

Deciding he was right about not dwelling on past mistakes, you tilted your head and looked at Tommy, flashing him the sweetest smile you could manage. “Forgive me?”

He shook his head at your display. “I’ll say it just to make ya feel better, then we’ll put it to rest once and for all. Birdy, I forgive you,” he said with a little more emphasis on you.

“Thank you,” you replied and wondered why everything couldn’t be as simple as that, but again you knew nothing was ever simple.

You and Tommy paused on the ridge to scan the area, looking for any signs out of the ordinary before the horses began the steady descent into the ravine. The trail switched back and forth but was still wide enough for the two horses to ride side by side. Soon the shade from the trees enveloped the trail, with shafts of sunlight streaming through the breaks in the canopy.

You took off your hat to let your head breathe and rested it on the saddle horn in front of you. “So,” you began, figuring it was time to get to the real reason Tommy brought you out here. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed we haven’t talked about Joel.”

“Figured you’d bring it up when you were ready.”

You looked at Tommy. “You’ll give it to me straight?”

Tommy met your eyes and nodded his head in agreement. “I’ll give it to ya straight,” he said.

“How much does he hate me?”

“He don’t hate you.”

“You said straight.”

Tommy let out an exasperated sigh. “Birdy, he don’t hate you,” he said. “He’s upset. My guess, it’s probably easier for him to think you were dead than know you’d just stayed away.”

You shifted uncomfortably in the saddle. “I didn’t stay away,” you muttered.

“I thought we were straight talkin’ here,” Tommy responded. “You should know, he looked for you, we all did, but him and Ellie, they searched the longest.”

“He - they did?”

Tommy looked at you with a bewildered expression. “Jesus, Birdy, of course, they did!” he said, his raised voice startled the horses. You tightened your grip on Goose’s reigns and patted her neck to calm her, your eyes never leaving Tommy, watched as he reassured his own horse, then met your eyes again, his shoulders dropped. “Whaddya expect, Birdy?” he continued and then swore at the stunned look on your face. “And don’t look so damned surprised.”

Rationally, you knew Tommy was upset on his brother’s behalf, and you couldn’t begrudge him that, but irrationally, you were agitated by his defending Joel.

Tommy spoke before you could respond, or maybe he sensed you didn’t have a response. “Look, I get it, alright,” he continued. “Me more than anyone. Just give it some time. Joel’s been dealing with a lot.”

And just like that, your mood went from agitated to concerned. “Dealing with what?” you asked.

Tommy shot you a quick glance, and you saw the uncertainty in his eyes. “He...well, he and Ellie have been having a rough time of it,” he said and then raised his hand, warding off any response. “Now I’m not gonna get into it. That ain’t my place. I’m just gonna tell ya it ain’t been easy.”

“Okay, well, I don’t like hearing that,” you said, controlling the urge to badger Tommy for more than he was willing to give. “And I’m not gonna push you for more, so don’t worry.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve told ya before. I’ll always worry about you, Birdy,” he said calmly. “But we’re being straight here, so I ain’t gonna sugar coat it. Joel’s a stubborn ass. I can’t speak for Ellie on how she’s feeling, but I do know she’s got that same stubborn streak as him. My money’s on you to break ‘em, so, don’t let me down.” He gave you a sidelong grin. “You alright? Lookin’ a little green there.”

It may have been the knots that were now tied in your belly from what Tommy just told you, or perhaps it was the swaying of the horse or the too fresh air, or you were just feeling the effects of the night before, but more than likely, it was all the above.

“I think I might throw up.” 

Tommy adjusted his hat on his head. “Better out than in, they always say,” he commented unhelpfully in his raspy drawl, clearly finding amusement in your discomfort.

For a brief moment, you didn't like straight talking Tommy.

***

Luckily you’d managed to hold it together through the entire patrol. But thoughts of Joel and Ellie filled your mind, and by late afternoon you were tired in all ways, physically, mentally, and emotionally, so tired Tommy worried you’d fall out of the saddle. When the two of you returned to the stables, you were already feeling the stiffness in your legs. Watching you gingerly slide off the saddle, Tommy took mercy on you and, after some good ribbing, volunteered to handle the horses if you promised to go straight to bed. The promise had been an easy one to make.

It was still early evening, and you managed to get a few hours of rest when you woke up hungry and ventured out to look for food. Your inner thigh muscles were sore, but you figured the walk would do them good. When you stopped to rub them, you caught sight of the community board, and a smile spread across your face at the familiar posting. There was still time, and you figured you could use the distraction, so as quickly as you could manage, you went into the first diner you came across, grabbed a chicken dinner, and made your way to the community center.

When you stepped through the door, Stewart greeted you cheerily. “Why it’s good to see you back, Birdy,” he said, shuffling the bingo cards on the table. “Heard you’d been out in California.”

“I was for a bit,” you replied, looking around the room. Only half the tables were filled, and you quickly spotted an empty one in the back of the room. “How have you been, Stewart?”

Stewart scratched the side of his neck. “Can’t complain,” he said and handed you your card and marker. “Now go grab a seat. We’ll be starting in a few minutes. It really is good to see you.”

“Thanks,” you said and made your way to the table you’d spotted.

You’d gotten through some of your dinner when Stewart informed everyone that they’d be starting. He was about to call out the first number when the door opened, and you pulled in a breath at the sight of Ellie. 

She stood there for a moment, scanning the room until her eyes found yours. A long moment passed before Stewart shoved a card and marker in her hand and ushered her to move so they could start.

Your eyes didn’t leave Ellie as she made her way toward you.

No longer that little girl you held in your thoughts, Ellie was now a young woman. Under normal circumstances, that would be something to celebrate, but you couldn’t help feeling the loss of the young girl you remembered. A frown, and a look more somber than you’d like to see, replaced the big smile and bright, inquisitive eyes of the Ellie you knew. 

This Ellie reminded you of Joel.

Ellie stopped at your table and seemed unsure if she should sit down. Stewart clearing his throat, decided for her, and she took a seat next to you, resting her arms on top of the table.

The dull chatter that had quieted when Ellie made her entrance had filled the room again. Stewart called out the first letter-number combination, but neither you nor Ellie moved to mark your cards. She was wearing a shirt with the sleeves rolled up, exposing her arms. Your eyes were drawn to the wound that years ago she had been so eager to show you. But now, both the wound and the bite beneath it were covered by an intricate tattoo. Your hand itched to reach over and touch it - touch her.

You decided to start simply. “So, how have you been?”

Ellie turned her head to look at you, her brow furrowed. “That’s what you want to start with?” she said. 

You cringed inwardly at her bitter tone. “Ellie, I don’t know what to say, okay?” you started and shrugged your shoulder, feeling helpless now. “I know whatever I do say will be the wrong thing, and what I really want to do is hug you and say I’m sorry. But you look like you don’t want that, so ask me what you want to ask.”

Ellie’s eyes seemed to waver slightly, but her body noticeably stiffened, the expression on her face became tight. “Were you with the Fireflies?" she asked, and quickly added, "Are you a Firefly?”

“I was a Firefly, but no, that’s not where I’ve been. I was told there are no more Fireflies.”

Ellie’s lips thinned into a line before she looked away, thinking over something in her head.

“Told by who?” 

Confused by her questions, you considered that maybe Joel hadn’t told her any of your story. He'd asked you not to say anything about former Fireflies looking for her but what could you say about the Fireflies in general?

Ellie’s furrowed brow deepened at your hesitation. “You said you’d answer my questions, Birdy,” she said, and her voice sharpened. “Are you going to lie too?”

“It was another Firefly.”

“So, there are more Fireflies…”

You still weren’t sure what she was trying to get to, but you had a feeling.

“Ellie...I know.” 

You reached out then, and placed your hand on her slender forearm, felt the warped skin under your fingertips.

Ellie flinched and yanked her arm away, her eyes filled with a mix of emotions. “Did he tell you?” Her voice faltered. “Did Joel fucking tell you?”

Startled by her reaction, you shook your head. “No, Joel...Joel didn’t tell me anything,” you said. “I pieced it together. The Firefly. He knew about Salt Lake.”

“So…” Her lips pursed as she thought. “So you know what Joel did?”

You nodded your head.

The two of you sat there, the tension nearly unbearable. You heard another letter-number combination making you aware that there were other people around. Your eyes swept the room. The other tables’ occupants seemed caught up in their own conversations or focused on their bingo cards. No one appeared to take notice of you and Ellie or overheard your conversation.

Ellie stood up from the table, looked at you. “I gotta go,” you heard her mutter under her breath.

“Ellie, wait,” you called out, not ready for her to leave.

A few heads turned, and you lifted your hand in apology as you quickly grabbed your mess from the table. You dumped everything into a trash bin by the door before letting yourself out.

Spotting Ellie in the main lobby opening the outer doors that led out of the community center, you called out again, “Ellie! Wait!” Clearly ignoring you, you were prepared to sprint after her and pushed open the door she’d walked out of, but a few steps out, the muscles in your leg tightened, and you cried out. “Shit!”

You gripped the door to keep from falling. “Fuck,” you cursed at the stabbing pain. 

Then you felt two strong hands grip your waist, heard Joel’s voice in your ear. “Woah, woah,” he said, holding you up. 

You took a few quick breaths as the pain subsided and then turned toward him. Your hands reached out and grasped his arms. You straightened and looked up into his concerned face, surprised to see him there. Then you remembered Ellie and looked out toward the road to see her standing on the sidewalk watching you.

“What’s wrong with your legs?” she asked, and you saw the flicker of concern in her eyes.

You stepped away from Joel but kept one hand on his arm for support. “Muscles,” you said with a grimace. “It’s been a while since I’ve been on a horse.”

The concern you had seen disappeared, replaced with frustration. 

Ellie wiped quickly at a rogue tear. Her hands balled into fists at her side. Her voice cracked with emotion when she spoke. “When I heard that you were alive…” Her eyes closed, fighting back more tears, and when she continued, her voice was a little stronger. “When I heard you were alive, I didn’t want to believe it. How could you fucking leave without saying anything?” Ellie opened her eyes, now shimmering with wetness. She pointed at Joel standing next to you. “Was it fucking him? Is he why you left?”

You glanced at Joel to see his reaction, but he only stood there. While there was no outward reaction, you felt the corded muscles of his forearm tense under your hand. You looked back at Ellie. 

“Ellie. Please…I know you’re angry...”

Ellie nodded her head, wiped angrily at her cheek. “Yeah… Yeah, I’m fucking angry, Birdy,” she said, her voice shaking. Her eyes cut to Joel. “I’m angry you didn’t fucking take me with you.”

Stunned, you stood there and watched Ellie walk away until she turned a corner. Only then did you finally take a breath.

“What did you tell her?”

You turned your head, meeting Joel’s hard eyes.

“I didn’t tell her anything, Joel,” you said. “I mean, she asked about the Fireflies, and I told her they were gone. Why didn’t you say anything? Warn me.”

His expression altered as he considered you. “This doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

“Doesn’t it?” Your heart felt heavy. You let go of Joel’s arm and moved away, limping slightly. You felt the need to get away, and that feeling only made you feel more uneasy. 

You glanced at Joel, still standing there watching you. You wanted him to leave, didn’t want him seeing you like this. But instead of leaving, he muttered a curse, and then in the next moment, lifted you into his arms, high up against his chest.

“Joel!” you yelped, and your hands gripped his shoulders instinctively. “What are you doing? Put me down.” You wiggled to get out of his hold.

He let out a sigh full of impatience. “I’m taking you back to your room,” he said, already moving and making his way down the road toward the motel.

“I can walk, Joel,” you said. “It was just a cramp.”

Joel just looked ahead, taking long strides, as he carried you. You saw the steely determination in his profile, and Tommy’s reminder that Joel was stubborn reinforced itself in your mind. “Well, when I get too heavy, put me down,” you said curtly.

He glanced at you out of the corner of his eye. “Is that a challenge?”

“No, it’s not a challenge. Stop being ridiculous,” you said. “I just don’t want you throwing out your back or something.”

“I’ll take that as a challenge.” 

He hoisted you up higher, and you gasped, gripping him tighter. 

“If you don’t quit squirming, I’ll throw you over my shoulder,” he growled.

Your eyes widened at the threat. “You wouldn’t.”

Joel tilted his head at you, giving you a look that said ‘try me’. 

You let out a frustrated breath before you closed your eyes, finally giving in, and dropped your head down where it landed in the crook of his neck. You didn’t want to fight anymore. The image of Ellie’s hurt face had you closing your eyes tighter, wishing you hadn’t made her feel that way. You tightened your hold on Joel’s shoulders, needing something to ground yourself in, something that wasn’t a feeling of hopelessness. You focused on the rise and fall of his labored chest, the feel of his arms holding you tight. It felt good to be held, even if there was nothing romantic about it. You sighed, this one more contented. 

Joel cleared his throat. “We’re here,” his voice rumbled through his chest against your cheek.

You lifted your head. “What? You’re not going to take me upstairs?” Your conscious of the words as soon as they’re out of your mouth, and awareness hits you like a bucket of ice water.

Joel grunted and dropped you on your feet, making it evident that the idea had no appeal.

You felt your cheeks color as you pushed away from him, ignoring your bruised feelings, and decided to focus on what was really important. “What happened between you and Ellie?”

Joel breathed deeply through his nose. “What happened was Ellie found out I lied to her,” he said. “About the Fireflies. About the cure.”

“Was there a cure?” you asked, thankful that he’d chosen to cooperate.

“I don’t know,” Joel said, running his hand over his face. “Does that even matter now?”

You watched him as he stood there, taking another controlled breath through his nose. 

“Joel - “

He crossed his arms. “I ain’t gonna talk about this with you,” he said. 

“But she’s so angry.”

“How’d you think that was gonna go?” he asked, one arm flew out, motioning in the general direction of the community center. “You left her, Birdy. That girl cried for you.”

Tears spilled from your eyes, and you wiped them away. “I know what I did to Ellie, Joel,” you said, struggling to keep it together. “I hoped that we could at least work past….that we could at least be friends.”

Joel scowled. “Like Tommy? Like hell.”

You responded with a quick shake of your head, no, not like Tommy, you thought. You didn’t want that from Joel. Joel was different - you hoped for more, but that didn’t look likely. “We both want Ellie safe,” you continued and swallowed the hard lump in your throat. “If we can’t be friends, we can at least tolerate each other, for Ellie.”

He stared long and hard at you. You began to worry that he wouldn’t agree, but then he finally gave you a tight nod. “Alright,” he said, agreeing, but you weren’t sure to which until he added, “For Ellie.”

And then, once again, you stood there and watched Joel walk away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez...what a bunch of drama llamas 🦙 😝 Hopefully, the next one will be less drama, I'm kinda just going with the flow, but don't worry I have a direction.
> 
> Again, thanks for the comments! Hope you enjoyed!


	17. Chapter 17

Three years earlier.

“Okay, this one doesn’t look too bad.”

Ellie wrinkled her nose. “Kinda smells bad though.”

You took a quick sniff of the jar you held and quickly drew it away. “You’re right,” you said, putting the lid back on. “I won’t even try and guess what they used to make this.”

Looking down at Ellie’s coffee table covered with jars filled with homemade makeup, you began to wonder if this had been a good idea. You’d already gone through several of the jars, and it wasn’t looking promising.

The two of you had spent the day together, first working in the stables, followed by lunch on main street before deciding to waste some time perusing its very limited storefronts. You stopped in one of the shops you frequented that bartered lotions and other body care necessities made from ingredients produced in and around Jackson such as goats and cows milk, honey, beeswax, and various vegetables and herbs grown in the greenhouses. Ellie had noticed some new items, and you gave the shopkeep a skeptical look. The woman only shrugged and explained someone had traded her some homemade makeups. She’d put them out, and unsurprising no one seemed interested. 

That was the one thing you could appreciate about being in a world where women weren’t pressured into keeping up appearances. The girly girl no longer existed. Sure some preferred to keep their hands clean, but that didn’t apply to just women, and so you did still use a sugar wax to keep the unwanted hair off your body, some things you couldn’t let go of, but you considered the younger girls lucky they didn’t see the necessity. Even so, you didn’t miss the way Ellie eyed the makeup curiously, reminding you of your first experiences as a young girl, experiences that a lot of girls like Ellie would never have. And that’s when you found yourself pushing the entire haul towards the shopkeep.

“So, what...girls would actually wear this stuff all day?”

The two of you were sitting on Ellie’s couch, facing each other. After the shopkeep logged and bagged the assortment of makeup, the two of you went straight to Ellie’s place. “Well, it was much better than this and not all girls. It was important to some more than others,” you replied, resting one hand lightly on Ellie’s forehead while you picked up another container from the table. “Now tilt your head back and close your eyes.”

Ellie obediently did as you asked. “Did you wear makeup?” she asked while you dabbed some colored cream on her eyelid with the end of your pinky. The color wasn’t dark, but there was just enough to tint the skin.

“I did,” you said, moving to the other eyelid but stopped and brought your pinky to your nose and sniffed. You recognized the scent that was barely there. “I think there’s cocoa in this.” You touched the tip of your pinky to your tongue and winced, all thoughts of consuming the creme immediately abandoned. You went back to applying it to Ellie’s eyelid. “Uh...my mom showed me how to wear makeup. She wore a lot of it. But I found the less you see, the better. Just enough to highlight.”

“Where...I mean, she’s dead now. Your mother?” 

“She is,” you said, not feeling the sadness that you’d once felt, having mourned that loss long ago. “She died of cancer. Before the outbreak.”

Ellie’s eyes moved beneath her eyelids as she pondered over that a moment until she settled on, “That sucks.”

“Yeah, it did.”

“I don’t remember my mother,” Ellie said, her eyes remained closed and her face impassive, except for the tiny crease that formed between her brows. “She died the day I was born. So, y’know, I can’t really remember her.” 

Your heart felt like it rolled over in your chest. Thankful that Ellie’s eyes were closed and she couldn’t see your reaction, you blinked back the tears that had sprung in your eyes and took a deep breath. “Well, that does suck,” you said, quickly wiped at a rogue tear and concentrated on putting the finishing touches on Ellie’s eye makeup. “You have Joel. He seems to care an awful lot about you.”

Ellie lifted her shoulder slightly, a small smile on her lips. “Yeah,” she said, but the smile quickly vanished from her face. “Do you think it’s weird to miss someone you never even knew?” 

Ellie couldn’t have known how loaded that question was. Couldn’t have known the effect it would have as your breath caught in your throat, and you found yourself frozen, felt the pain of it. How do you overcome a feeling of loss over someone you never knew? You didn’t. You hid it and did your best to avoid it, but you couldn’t tell Ellie that. Your hands trembled, and you quickly put down the jar you were holding before you dropped it.

“Not weird at all,” you said, the words feeling hollow, but you managed to hold it together, sound reassuring through the lump in your throat. “Um...okay, open your eyes.”

Ellie opened her eyes. She was so tough, so smart, and seemed so unfazed by the harshness of the world, but there in her eyes, you saw so clearly that part of her that she tried to hide, the naive little girl so willing to trust you with the soft parts of herself. You pulled back, forcing your anxieties away, and focused on the pretty green coloring of her eyes. Already so big and expressive, outlined with thick lashes, Ellie didn’t need makeup, but the added shading did make her eyes pop more.

“So, what’s next?” Ellie asked, completely unaware of your inner conflict. “Or is that it?”

You could have stopped there, maybe you should have stopped, but you knew Ellie was enjoying the attention, possibly craved it unknowingly. So you decided to indulge her a little more, perhaps indulging your own craving in the process.

You reached out and fluffed up the front of Ellie’s hair. “We’re not done yet.”

Ellie relaxed, and the corner of her mouth twitched as she held back a smile.

Getting your own emotions back under control, you looked back down at the table and sifted through the other containers to look for anything else usable. That’s when you heard what sounded like a guitar coming from outside. “What’s that?” you asked, listening more intently at the sound, thankful for the momentary diversion.

“Oh, that’s just Joel,” Ellie said, opening and sniffing another mystery container.

And just like that, everything shifted, and your heart fluttered in your chest. “I didn’t know Joel played,” you said, easily imagining Joel curled over a guitar, his calloused fingers working the strings.

“Yeah...he’s actually teaching me,” Ellie said.

You perked up at that. “Oh, really? You’ll have to play something for me.”

Ellie shook her head. “I suck.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll be good in no time,” you said and listened as the tune changed to something a little slower, more methodical. From what you could hear, Joel played well, at least to your ears, and no doubt Ellie would too after he finished teaching her. “Joel seems the patient sort,” you added before returning your focus to the contents of the table with Joel’s guitar playing in the background.

Ellie laughed. “Ah...you just haven’t seen him get frustrated,” she said. “Wait til his flashlight acts up, or he can’t open a jar.”

You suppressed a chuckle at the thought.

“He had a daughter.”

That brought your head up. “Joel?” Of course, Joel, you berated yourself internally.  


“Yeah, she uh...she died at the beginning of the outbreak,” Ellie said, and instant regret crossed her features. “Shit. I...ah, I probably shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s fine, Ellie,” you said. “We won’t talk about it.”

But now that Ellie had mentioned it, you remembered Tommy had talked about having a niece, and for some reason, maybe because you had seen Ellie as Joel’s daughter, you hadn’t made the connection. 

Joel had lost a daughter. The idea made your heart ache for him, and you found yourself wishing you didn’t know such an intimate detail about him.

Refusing to dwell on it and let things get awkward, you reached out and squeezed Ellie’s arm. “So, another thing we girls did was talk about boys. Obsessively,” you said, hoping to relieve some of Ellie’s remorse. Though talking about boys, when Joel occupied your thoughts didn’t seem such a good idea. A blush formed on Ellie’s cheeks, and you raised a questioning brow. “You got a boy to talk about?”

Ellie sighed. “No.”

You grabbed another jar. This one contained a deep red paste. You dipped your pinky and took a quick taste. Cranberry. “Okay, tilt your chin up a bit,” you said. “And don’t worry. These things happen on their own time.”

“Yeah, um...I don’t think so,” she said as you smeared the cranberry creme across her bottom lip. She watched you from beneath her lashes.

Your smile widened at her response. You’ll see, you wanted to say, but you remembered hating that know it all attitude from adults, so you nodded your head, leaving it simply at, “Okay.” You smeared some creme on your bottom lip. “Now do this,” you instructed and proceeded to show her how to distribute the lip creme between her lips by rubbing them. 

Ellie mimicked you and laughed. “This is so fucking weird.”

Lifting her chin with your finger, you checked over your work. Ellie turned anxious under your scrutiny.

A smile spread across your lips. 

“Hey there, hot stuff. Not bad for an apocalypse.”

Ellie pushed against your shoulder playfully and grabbed the hand mirror that was on the table. “Alright, lemme see.” She looked at herself. “Holy shit! It doesn’t even look like me.”

You sat there and watched Ellie turn her face to get a look at different angles. 

“So...fucking weird…” Ellie whispered to herself, repeating her earlier statement, then she blinked a few times at herself in the mirror. “I kinda look like a giraffe.”

You laughed at her choice of animal. “A giraffe?”

Ellie looked at you and grinned. “Yeah, they’ve got those huge eyes,” she said. “Joel and me - we saw some in Salt Lake City. A whole bunch of ‘em…”

Before you could ask more, Ellie said, “Oh, we gotta show Joel!” She jumped up, and before you could utter a protest, she was opening the door.

Shit. You contemplated staying hidden in Ellie’s garage but then decided that would be ridiculous, so you followed after her, but taking your sweet time.

Outside you saw Ellie and Joel standing at the foot of his back porch steps. Ellie was smiling and putting on a show, fluttering her eyes and pantomiming what you could only assume was her version of high tea. Joel shook his head in amusement. You noted he looked real good in jeans and a basic t-shirt. You really needed to stop noticing those things.

You stood there and observed the two. Ellie said something, and Joel laughed. It was deep, hearty, and real. The sound was contagious, and you found yourself smiling for no other reason than that they were. Joel looked up, noticed you standing there. His eyes met yours, and your stomach did a flip.

Unable to avoid the inevitable, you felt a little apprehensive as you crossed the distance to stand next to Ellie and found yourself closer to Joel than intended.

“This your doing?” he asked, his lips curved into a smile that made your insides warm.

You shrugged your shoulder. “Guilty,” you said. “Figured the world could use a little color.”

Joel chuckled. “I won’t argue with that.”

Then his eyes settled on you, but not just on you, on your mouth, and your breath caught when he raised his hand. Confused, you shrank back slightly when he moved it toward you. 

“You...uh...you gotta smudge,” he said, and without further explanation, he ran his calloused thumb along your bottom lip with just the slightest pressure. Your cheeks heated at his touch, no doubt matching the color of the stain on your lips. He brought his thumb to his nose and took a sniff before licking it, the seamless action making your pulse jump. His eyes came back to you, and a smile twitched at the corner of his lips. “Cranberries? You two making yourselves tasty for the infected?”

“Oh, haha, asshole,” Ellie said, breaking through the haze you were under. You were embarrassed to admit, even to yourself, that you’d forgotten she was there. 

“Okay, I was only teasin,” Joel said, bumping Ellie with his elbow. “You look real nice, Ellie. Like a lady. Now you just gotta clean up that language.”

Ellie crossed her arms defiantly. “Pfft, like that’s fucking gonna happen.”

You stood there awkwardly, watching the two of them banter playfully with each other, unsure of where you fit in, or even if you fit in, but deep down, wanted to fit in.

***

Tipsy Bison - current day.

It was quiet in the bar, with only a handful of customers, two sitting at the bar and four seated at a table in the corner with a card game in progress. You and Jesse sat at a table with plenty of empty space around you, two drinks on the table. In another hour, the scene would be different, dinner time and end of shifts would have most of the space filled. But for now, it was a nice place to talk.

You had bumped into Jesse in the stables after coming back from patrol. He and Ellie had just finished brushing down their horses. You only got a glimpse of Ellie before she disappeared without even a glance at you. Jesse had been slightly abashed at Ellie’s obvious disregard and promptly offered to buy you a drink.

“I’d say don’t take it personally, but…yeah,” Jesse said with a shrug. He leaned back in his seat. “Ellie just doesn’t really talk a lot, in general. She’s just...you know, more reserved.”

“I’m not sure what to think of that,” you said. “She still has her friends, right? You, Dina...Cat?”

“Sure, yeah, she still has us, but I don’t know Birdy,” he said. “She just keeps things to herself sometimes.”

You sipped your drink. “I didn’t mean to leave the way I did.”

“Hey, your back, that’s what matters. Just give her time.”

You heard that from Tommy and Eugene, but it hurt to know that Ellie was hurting. 

“Jesse, you are much too wise,” you said, giving him an affectionate smile. “But I appreciate it. Appreciate you listening.”

Jesse returned the smile and then took a drink from his own bottle. “I’m glad someone does,” he said offhandedly.

You raised a brow. “You got your own troubles?”

“I don’t know that I can talk about this with you, Birdy,” he said a little sheepishly, reminding you of how young he was.

Your smile widened. “Girl troubles?” you asked, happy to have someone else’s problems to dissect. “Give it to me.”

You and Jesse ended up ordering some dinner, as you talked, first about Jesse’s relationship struggles with Dina, apparently, they’d been an item for some time now, then the conversation turned to more mundane things around Jackson and patrols until Jesse finished his meal and headed out. You’d remained, deciding that sitting at a table in the bar beat sitting alone in your room.

As the evening pushed on, the room had filled with more bodies, and you thought to move to a stool at the bar, but then you spotted Tommy entering, followed by Joel. 

You remembered your agreement with Joel to tolerate each other. The more you’d thought on it, the more it had started to irritate you. You could understand his hurt, but you’d at least been trying, and he seemed not to want to give you an inch. 

Tommy spotted you and made a beeline for your table.

“Jesse said you were in here,” Tommy said, giving you a quick peck on the cheek before taking the chair next to you.

You looked at Joel. “And you still came?”

Tommy chuckled. “How many drinks you got in you?”

You looked at Tommy but you were more aware of Joel taking a seat across the table from you. “Only a few, and we had dinner,” you said, lifting your bottle to your mouth and finishing it off.

Joel gave you a long, leveled look from across the small table. There was nothing in his expression to signify if he was bothered by your presence, but you were suddenly self-conscious. You felt movement behind you, watched Joel’s eyes drift up to whatever it was before you turned your head, looked over your shoulder to find a man standing there holding a beer. He looked a little nervous, his eyes on Joel.

“Hey, Joel,” he said, with a tip of his chin. He glanced between Joel and you before hesitantly settling on you. “Hey, Birdy...saw you finished your drink and...well, I didn’t realize you had company...I...uh brought you a new one.”

Before you could say anything, you heard Tommy softly mutter a curse. You turned to see him stand up and move toward the man, shaking his head slightly, holding back a grin. “Hey, Travis,” Tommy said, throwing his arm around the man’s shoulder. “That was thoughtful and all, but we got Birdy covered. Come with me over to the bar while I grab our drinks.”

You watched Tommy lead Travis away through the crowd in the direction of the bar.

“I remember that fella being interested in you back then.”

You turned sharply back around to look at Joel. “Travis?” Funny, you said his name as if you’d known it for longer than a minute.

Joel’s eyes searched your face before he continued as if you hadn’t spoken. “New Year’s Eve. He kept bringing you drinks.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, you remembered that night clearly. You’d been declining Travis’ dance offers, secretly hoping Joel would make his own, and the later into the evening it had gotten, the more your disappointment had grown until Joel finally appeared and pulled you onto the dance floor, held you in his arms.

Joel leaned forward just slightly. “I kissed you,” he said, his voice rough.

“Our first kiss…” you repeated absently, caught up in the memory. You unconsciously brought your fingertips to your lips, remembering the first time and all the times after.

Joel’s eyes followed your movements, and then he looked into your eyes and held them. “You ran away then too.”

Heat flooded your face, but you refused to look away. Joel was testing you, and right now, you were tired of being pushed. His gaze held steady. You scowled. “That’s true,” you said, accepting the challenge. “I did run away, but I never regretted it. Not any of it.”

Tommy reappeared holding two bottles. His eyes cut between the two of you as he set them on the table.

“Well, I, uh, just remembered I promised Maria I wouldn’t be out late,” he said, not acknowledging the tension between you and Joel. “Drinks on me. I’ll catch ya both later.”

And with that, Tommy promptly left, leaving you and Joel to glower at each other.

“Well, that wasn’t obvious,” you said, recovering quickly and took a drink of your beer. The faster you finished it, the sooner you could head back to the motel, but you wouldn’t leave until it was gone. For some reason, this was now important, and you wouldn’t let Joel scare you off. He could leave if he wanted to. “So tell me about the giraffes.”

Something shifted in his eyes. “Ellie told you about that?”

The change in him was immediate. He looked at you not with impassiveness now, but curiosity. 

“Ellie mentioned them,” you said, taking another drink. “Was this before or after you decimated the Fireflies?” You were taking a gamble pushing him this way, but you figured at this point, what did you have to lose?

Joel's jaw tightened visibly. “Before.”

When you’d returned to Jackson, it was to warn Joel and Ellie of a potential threat, you’d hoped to rekindle what you’d had, and you were under no delusion that it would take a lot of work. Forgiveness never came easy. But now, the more you learned of Ellie and Joel’s past, the more curious it was. You left them, hurt them, but that didn’t explain why the two had drifted apart. 

“You went from giraffes to the toppling of a paramilitary faction - why?”

“They were gonna kill her,” he said, his voice low but his tone less guarded. “That was the cost of getting a cure, and Ellie...she wouldn’t have had any trouble paying it.”

“But you did.”

Joel took a deep breath. “You think you can come and go however you damn well please. Use people when it’s convenient,” he went on. “I don’t need your help, and Ellie sure as hell didn’t ask for it.”

You didn’t like what he was saying. The sense of shame and guilt you’d been wrestling with circled around, but instead of retreating, you used it as fuel. Maybe there was a thing as liquid courage. You leaned across the table to keep your voice low but wanted him to hear you clearly. “You don’t need my help, but you want it. You obviously don’t have a fucking clue what you’re doing,” you said cooly, meeting his thunderous gaze. Inside you were shaking, but you still pushed. This was now your test to administer. “You want me, Joel. I can feel it every time you look at me, but you keep fighting it. I care for Ellie and I won’t stop trying with her, but I’m finished fighting with you.” 

Not waiting for a response, you stood up and walked away from the table. Without a glance back, you opened the door that led out into town. You wiped a tear from your cheek, and then for some reason, you remembered the beer on the table.

You shook your head with weary acceptance. Just another thing left unfinished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The drama just won't settle.
> 
> Thanks for the comments, everyone! It's nice to know you're still in it with me. 
> 
> Happy Birthday, Carolina Yuki! Hope you were able to enjoy it in some way. And you're always welcome to vent :)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	18. Chapter 18

Taking on one of the longer routes, you and Eugene had hoped to get an early start on patrol, but nothing seemed to be going the way you wanted, which now seemed to be the usual, and so you went with the flow rather than fight it.

Weeks had passed since your confrontation with Joel at the Tipsy Bison. There had been only a few words spoken between the two of you since then, but that hadn’t stopped your eyes from often colliding. It happened during community meetings, patrol briefings, in the stables, or out on Jackson’s streets. Usually, nothing more than a glance but it always ended with you silently cursing yourself at being so aware of him.

Ellie, on the other hand, was still avoiding you. You had bumped into Cat, and even she seemed a little standoffish, perhaps out of loyalty to Ellie. You could only wait and hope that the anger Ellie continued to hold would pass. It was the one thing that bound you and Joel, and it frustrated you that he refused to open up to you about it.

Fortunately, you found yourself pulled in many directions, help being needed in most areas, guard duty and patrols, the stables, even a few rotations in the garden. Before, you’d always sought out solitude, and now you were doing your best to avoid it.

You took in the view around the small meadow where you and Eugene had stopped to take your late lunch. Between the evergreens that surrounded you were splashes of color from the fall foliage. Some of the gold and red leaves had begun to fall, carried by the wind, indicating winter was fast approaching. 

“That storm might be moving faster than we thought,” you said, looking up at the vast sky above you. In the distance, dark clouds were beginning to move in, signs of an early snowstorm, which was nothing unusual for Wyoming in late September, but you’d wished you weren’t so far from Jackson now and cursed yourself for not wearing an extra layer or two. The afternoon had chilled quite considerably, and you and Eugene still had several hours of trail ahead of you.

You looked over at Eugene, who sat at an arm’s distance from you. He was staring out over the meadow. You noted he had been noticeably quiet today, at times irritable, not at you, one time it was his hat, another time it was not being able to get comfortable in the saddle.

Now that you did think about it, the usual chatter had been missing but caught up in your own thoughts, you’d not bothered to question it until now.

“Eugene?” you called out. “Did you hear me?

“I had a family,” he responded, and instantly you questioned whether you had heard him correctly.

Eugene didn’t look at you. No doubt he didn’t want to see the shock on your face at his confession. You didn’t move and didn’t talk. He continued while still staring off in the distance. “I left them. I left them to join the Fireflies.”

You sat there observing him, processing what he was saying, and waited for him to say more, but when he didn’t, you asked, “Why didn’t you go back?”

He hesitated before finally responding. “Because I’m a coward,” he said, the sadness in his voice revealing the regret you guessed he was feeling. He cleared his throat. “Figured it was best not to know.”

“But they could be alive, Eugene.”

He turned to look at you then, his eyes gleamed with unshed tears. The sight unsettled you, and he must have sensed your unease, giving you a small smile. “I hope so, Birdy. I really do,” he said, then turned away. 

You’d never seen Eugene get emotional this way, even when he’d been injured and you’d feared the worst, he’d kept his spirits up, as well as yours. But now you realized Eugene was just good at keeping things close, deflecting concern with humor. 

This was a big thing. A family. And he’d never spoken of them until now.

You watched Eugene for a few long moments as he stared off in the distance again, deep in thought. You had so many questions but sensed it was not the time to ask those, so you settled on the simplest.

“What’s going on with you?”

Eugene shook his head. “Nothings going on,” he lied and then seemed to think better of it and tried again. “I’ve just been thinking about things, Birdy. All the shit I’ve done in my life. I tell myself that I have no regrets but - “ he paused and took a deep breath before letting it out. “I got lots.”

You leaned toward him, catching his eye, giving him a sympathetic smile. “You want to confess them all to me now?”

Eugene glanced out across the meadow then back to you. “Nah. It’s stupid I know, after all this time.” He picked up his hat that sat on the ground beside him and beat it against this thigh before jamming it over his unruly grey hair. He cleared his throat again before he spoke. “Fuck- Just ignore me. I’m just tired is all. Let’s get you back before that storm catches up.”

You followed his lead, pushing yourself off the ground, keeping your eyes on him as you did. He was noticeably slow to get up, and you were suddenly aware of his advanced age, wondered if maybe it was time for him to retire from patrols, take it easy in Jackson. 

As the two of you continued along on your patrol, your eyes stayed on Eugene’s back as the horses made their way along the narrow trail. You could hear the sound of the creeks not far and decided that once you crossed, you would ask Eugene about his family. He’d remained quiet since leaving the meadow, and it worried you. Something was bothering him. He may have regrets, but who didn’t, and you didn’t see that as the reason for his contemplative mood. Innocence didn’t exist in this world, and morals were good until your survival was on the line. You’d heard him say those things many times. In this world without order, Eugene had plenty of people’s respect. What more could anyone ask for?

But Eugene had had a family, one that he’d left in pursuit of the Fireflies’ cause. How many lives had the Fireflies destroyed? How many lives had you yourself taken in their name? You thought about Ellie, what their pursuit of a cure would have meant for her.

The wind began to pick up, and you pulled your jacket collar tighter around your neck, your eyes on Eugene. He didn’t seem bothered.

Grey clouds continued to fill the sky as the two of you rode along in silence, and after several creek crossings, you still hadn’t managed to ask your questions. Instead, you remained silent, maybe even a little afraid. In the midst of the last of the creek crossings, Eugene’s horse stopped in front of you. 

“Everything alright?” you called, bringing Goose up alongside Eugene’s horse.

Eugene didn’t respond to you. His horse bowed its head to get a drink of water, and Eugene slid out of the saddle away from you. You heard his boots hitting the creek waters with a soft splash. 

Confused and then concerned, you hopped off Goose into the creek, its cold water coming just over your boots, and made your way to Eugene’s side.

“Hey,” you said, seeing him bent over slightly, his hands on his knees. For a moment, you thought he might be crying, but when he looked up at you, his eyes were dry. “Eugene, you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, wheezing slightly. “Just needed to catch my breath.”

Nervously, you smiled. “You couldn’t have done that on your horse, or maybe not in the creek,” you said, trying to keep your tone light, but a sinking feeling was beginning to form in your stomach.

Eugene shook his own head, offered his own shaky smile. “Sorry, Birdy,” he said. “Just suddenly felt a little lightheaded. I - “ 

He didn’t finish as he stumbled forward, and you barely had time to get under him and prevent him from falling face-first onto the rocks of the creek bed. 

“Eugene!” you cried out, feeling the ice-cold waters of the creek seep into the legs of your pants and the bottom of your jacket as you struggled with propping up Eugene’s weight.

Eugene managed to shift himself off you but was unsteady on his feet. He bent over slightly with his hands to his thighs. “Birdy, shit...I’m sorry,” he said as you lifted yourself out of the water. Your pants were sticking to your legs uncomfortably, and water dripped from your jacket sleeve.

“I’m fine, Eugene,” you said, putting your hands to his arms to help steady him. “Let’s get out of this creek.” The horses had stepped away during the commotion but lingered not too far.

You helped Eugene move out of the water to dry land. He found a small tree and propped his hand against the trunk, and took several deep breaths. You looked at his face to try and better assess his condition. It was hard to tell if it was red from the effort of moving or from the dipping temperature.

“Don’t move,” you told him before making your way to the horses. You gathered their reigns and led them back to where Eugene was still standing. You dug through Eugene’s saddlebag and pulled out a water bottle, walked over, and held it out for him. “Drink some.”

Your heart was beating frantically in your chest as you watched Eugene take a drink. His eyes met yours, and he gave you an awkward smile. “Thanks,” he said and, after a moment, stood up straighter, seeming to gather himself. “Not sure what that was, but I think I’m okay now.”

You regarded him closely, he was clearly not okay, but you didn’t want to voice your fear. You shivered, and not just from the cold as snow lightly began to fall.

“You think you can get back on your horse?” you asked. You needed to get out of the cold and fast. There was a small cluster of houses not far if Eugene could manage to ride. You didn’t want to think about the long walk if he couldn’t.

Eugene nodded his head. “Yeah, let’s go,” he said, his voice sounding a little stronger. He started toward his horse, and you followed behind close, waiting until he mounted before going to Goose.

He waited until you and Goose idled up beside him.

“Don’t tell anyone I nearly fell off my horse,” he said with a light chuckle. “People will start calling me old.”

“Eugene, you are old,” you reminded him, only half-joking, still not able to shake your worry.

“Dammit, I keep forgetting,” he said, shaking his head. He then looked at you with a softened expression. “Now get that worried look off your face. I’m okay, really. Aren’t there are some houses not far? Let’s go find a way into one before you freeze.”

The houses were a few miles away, and by the time you reached them your legs felt raw and chafed from your wet pants. You dismounted as quickly as you could before Eugene, and he seemed slightly irritated at you being there as if you expected him to fall. 

“Birdy, I said I’m fine,” he grumbled.

“Okay,” you said, raising your hands. After he dismounted his horse, you pulled out your revolver. “Stay here with the horses while I check inside.”

Eugene responded with a nod of his head.

The house was a split-level, with the garage being the lowest level. It didn’t take long to clear the house. You were pleased to find it in reasonable shape. Walking down the stairs into the garage you spotted a neatly stacked pile of wood. The idea of a warm fire kept you moving. You were shaking now and quickly unlatched the garage door and proceeded to lift it up. Eugene’s hands appeared from the outside and helped push it the rest of the way.

The two of you led the horses inside. After Eugene pulled the garage door closed, he turned to you.

“Birdy, go look for something to change into, and I’ll take care of the horses,” he said, sounding more like himself.

You still weren’t comfortable leaving Eugene on his own, but there was no point arguing. You needed to get out of your wet clothes, and he did seem to be doing better.

You pointed in the direction you’d spotted the woodpile. “There’s some wood. You mind starting a fire when you’re done?”

Eugene nodded his head. “Will do,” he said. “Now go. You’ll lose all your teeth the way they’re chattering.”

“Fine with me. Just call me if you need help.” 

Eugene nodded his head, and you hesitantly headed back toward the main part of the house.

You made your way to the upper level, to the bedrooms you had scanned earlier. You went through several bedrooms, pulled open the drawers of every dresser you came across but had no luck in finding clothes. Everything looked to have been thoroughly cleared out. You checked closets, managed to find a couple of blankets that seemed to be in good shape, and threw them to the floor. In the last bedroom, you happened upon a garment bag hanging in a closet.

“Jackpot,” you whispered to yourself as you pulled the zipper down. What was revealed brought a smile to your face, and you couldn’t wait to see the look on Eugene’s face when he saw it. 

Feeling a little better about your situation, if only for the anticipated reaction from Eugene, you quickly got out of your wet clothing, changed, and hurried back down to the living room with one of the blankets wrapped around your bare shoulders. At the same time, you carried your wet clothes in your arms. You were disappointed to see Eugene hadn’t gotten the fire started. After setting your clothes down atop the fireplace mantel, you made your way back down to the garage. You pulled the blanket tighter around your bare arms and shoulders as you took the last step. 

You instantly spotted Eugene, sitting on the floor, his back against the wall. 

“Eugene!” you cried out as you ran over. You knelt beside him, his eyes slowly meeting yours as tears streaked his face. You grabbed his hand, it was freezing, but you still managed to squeeze it tight. “Shit. Eugene…”

His face was pale now, his eyes moved over you. “What the hell are you wearing?” he whispered, managing a small smile.

You wiped at the tears running down your cheeks, and something between a laugh and a cry escaped your lips. “I wore it for you.”

Eugene nodded his head and licked his upper lip. “Thanks. I’m glad you came back, Birdy,” he said, his face contorted with the effort of speaking. “Not like me…”

You held your breath, grasped his hand tighter, helpless as you watched as his face contorted once more in pain before softening.

****

A small group had gathered outside the main stable. Joel had spotted them easily enough and made his way over at a steady clip. He’d been headed home after grabbing some dinner at the bar, settled on doing some woodworking when he’d gotten word there was trouble with one of the patrols. 

The sun was now hanging low over the mountains, and the snow had been falling steadily since he’d returned from his own patrol. He took a quick, anxious glance around and found Ellie standing with Jesse. He said a silent prayer of thanks before laying eyes on Tommy.

The relief he felt suddenly thwarted by the disturbed look on Tommy’s face. Joel’s eyes quickly did another scan.

“Where is she?”

All eyes turned to Joel, but he didn’t pay them any attention, all his focus on Tommy and the answer to his question.

“Tommy...what’s going on?”

Tommy didn’t answer. He looked to Jesse. “Jesse, why don’t you wrap this up,” he said before flicking up the collar of his jacket and walked toward Joel. “Joel…”

Tommy placed a firm hand on Joel’s shoulder and led them off, away from the group until they stopped at the paddock fencing.

“Tommy, quit stalling and just tell me,” Joel said, now starting to get irritated, but it was more out of concern than anger with his brother.

“Birdy and Eugene haven’t returned from their patrol,” Tommy said and quickly raised a gloved hand. “Now you know this happens sometimes - “

“Get me a horse.”

“Now Joel, we can’t - “

“Tommy, I said get me a damned horse,” Joel repeated through gritted teeth, pushing past his brother. Time was short, and he didn’t want to waste any of it discussing things over with Tommy. “I ain’t got much time before I lose the light.”

Tommy let out an audible breath before he nodded his head as if he’d expected this reaction. “Yeah, okay,” he said, coming into lockstep with Joel. “Let me grab some supplies, and we’ll head out.”

“No point in us both going, Tommy,” Joel said as he headed toward the barn. “You'll follow first thing.”

“I’m going.”

Joel turned to see Ellie coming up behind them. He shook his head. “Not this time, kiddo,” he said, not missing a step.

“Joel, you can’t stop me,” Ellie said in that challenging tone. Another thing he was becoming all too accustomed to. “I’m going.”

Joel stopped then and turned to face her, and his heart tightened in his chest. “Ellie, please, don’t make this difficult. Not....not right now.”

He turned away, not waiting for a reaction, and it broke his heart to do it to her, but there was no point in putting anyone else in danger. Soon there wouldn’t be any light, and it would be just plain easier not to worry about anyone else. He only wanted to focus on one thing, and that was finding Birdy.

The clouds had long cleared, and the stars were out in full. Unfortunately, the moon wasn’t, so there wasn’t much light as Joel rode along the trail. His head hung low, his chin burrowed into his scarf, trying to keep out the cold. He couldn’t see much at a distance ahead of him or around him, fully relying on his horse, a flashlight, and his shotgun held in his lap in case needed.

All he could do was listen for any sounds out of the ordinary. The horse he rode was familiar with the trail, and he hoped that Birdy and Eugene hadn’t veered too far off from it.

He thought about Birdy, about why he was out in the middle of the freezing night searching for her. He didn’t know much, but he knew he had to find her. It was that same feeling he’d had the last time she’d left. 

Though the snow had stopped, the temperature continued to drop, and he knew he’d have to stop at some point and find some shelter. His legs had already begun to sting from the cold.

It was on this thought he smelled something familiar. Burning wood.

He sat up in the saddle and became more alert, trying to figure out where the smell was coming from. He turned on his flashlight and shined it out to the side of the trail, and saw the signs of development. It was the shot of hope that he needed, and he perked up, now familiar with where he was. It wouldn’t be long before he would just have to look for a smoking chimney.

It didn't take much longer after that. Joel easily found the house, peered through the garage door window. Even though it was dark, he spotted the two horses and recognized them being from Jackson. Joel wrenched open the garage door and pulled his own horse inside, where it was only slightly warmer.

Once he had the door closed again, he turned on his flashlight. With all the noise he’d made, he’d expected to be greeted by someone. A feeling of apprehension began to creep over him as he swept the light around the space until it touched a form on the floor. His heart caught in his throat as he moved toward what he knew was a body covered by a blanket.

Joel bent down and slowly pulled back part of the blanket, revealing Eugene’s still face.

“Shit,” Joel muttered to himself. He lifted the rest of the blanket off and inspected the body, looking for bite marks. When he found none, he stood up, flashing the light around, looking for the way into the house. 

He found the stairs leading up and began ascending them, lighting his way with the flashlight.

“Birdy!” he called out, now even more concerned with finding her. “Birdy, you here?”

“In here,” he heard her call back, and relief flooded him as he entered a hallway. He caught the glow of a fire and walked toward it. When he rounded the corner, he released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. 

She stood there wrapped in a blanket. The room was reasonably warm, with the only light coming from the burning wood in the fireplace. A couple of kitchen chairs sat in front, with what he guessed were her clothes hanging over them to dry. His eyes went back to her, and he saw that she was wearing a dress, though it was hard to tell it looked pink, and the light of the fire reflected off the shiny fabric.

He noticed she hadn’t moved, remained by the window that overlooked the street. No doubt she had seen him coming.

He slowly walked over to her, setting his things on the couch as he went. When he reached her, his hands went to her shoulders. Even through the blanket, he could feel she was cold. Why wasn’t she standing closer to the fire? He slowly turned her toward him, getting a look at her.

“Hey,” Joel said, keeping his voice soft. “Birdy, you alright?”

She stared up at him, wide-eyed, her lower lip quivering, but it was the shaky smile she managed to give him that twisted his heart.

“Joel?”

“Yeah, Birdy, it’s me,” he said, pulling her into his arms. “Honey, why ain't you by the fire?” Realizing the dress she was wearing had no sleeves, he rubbed her arms over the blanket.

Joel felt her turn her cheek, pressing it against the front of his chest as if seeking his heat through the layers of clothing he was wearing. He brought his hand between them and unzipped the front of his coat, offering her what little body heat he had left. He rubbed her arms and back, worried that perhaps she was in shock. She fell against his chest easily, like a missing puzzle piece.

He held her close. “What happened?”

He felt her body shiver, and then she let out a long sigh that slowly morphed into a cry against his chest, and all he could do was hold her until she got it out. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she finally stopped, but when she did, Birdy raised her hand to his chest and looked up at him. “Your shirt’s wet,” she said through sniffles. “There aren’t any clothes in this house.” Which explained the dress.

The corner of his mouth lifted. “It’ll dry,” he reassured her.

She was sounding more herself but didn’t try to move away, and he was thankful as he didn’t think he’d be able to let her go. He was feeling fiercely protective and maybe a little possessive at the moment.

“You wanna tell me what happened?” he ventured again.

He felt her shift as she moved her hand, using the blanket to wipe away the wetness from her face. He waited until she finished and then waited some more after that.

When she finally spoke her voice sounded brittle. “Eugene had a family,” she said. “He left them to join the Fireflies.”

Joel pulled back to look at her, not hiding the confusion on his face. “I’m not following.”

“He told me today,” she explained. “Like a confession. He must have known...I think it was his heart. It was broken - “ Her words caught in her throat.

Joel’s eyes stayed fixed on her, his own breathing suddenly turning shaky. 

When her hand cupped his cheek, Joel closed his eyes a moment, accepting the intimate touch. Her thumb brushed over the coarse whiskers. Her eyes roamed over his face before finally settling on his. “I don’t want those kinds of regrets, Joel,” she said before she leaned up and kissed him full on the mouth.

The kiss took him by surprise, but he didn’t push her away, and once his mind caught up, he started kissing her back. It was so familiar yet different. It didn't take long for the kiss to turn hungry, exposing how needy he was for her. His hands moved down to cup her bottom, pulled her against his already growing hardness. She rolled her hips against him, giving as much to him as he was giving to her, showing him what she wanted.

When he broke the kiss and pulled away, she was breathing as hard as he was. “You sure about this? Birdy, there’s no promises being made here.” He didn’t know why he said it. Perhaps a small piece of his brain was still working. It wasn’t what he was feeling. He wanted her, all of her. 

“I know,” she said breathlessly, her eyes on his mouth.

He leaned down and retook her mouth, the urgency undiminished. His tongue plunged deep and tangled with hers. He felt her hands move down to his belt, felt it being tugged as she undid it. He continued to kiss her, along her neck, her jaw. He heard the unmistakable sound of the zipper as she unzipped his jeans. He let out a hiss as she exposed him to the cold, but not for long as her hand wrapped around his hard length. He groaned into her neck as she squeezed him, brushed her thumb over the tip of his shaft, and he nearly lost his balance. 

Jesus. He worried if she continued to touch him, he might explode. So he grabbed her hand and backed them up until Birdy’s back was against the wall. The blanket had fallen to the floor somewhere behind them, exposing her bare shoulders. Joel ran his hand up the soft fabric of the dress that was loose at the top, making it easy for him to push it down, exposing her breasts. He lifted one in his hand as he lowered his head to flick his tongue across the nipple, already hard and pebbled from the cold, taking it into his mouth and circling it with his tongue. Birdy squirmed against him, throwing her head back against the wall, her eyes closed, surrendering to the pleasure Joel gave her. Her response moved him to lavish attention on the other until she was whimpering.

The sound made Joel mindless with need. His cock straining between them was eager to be inside her. He bunched the fabric of the dress into his fist, lifting it up, taking a leg up along with it, and settled it on his hip. She threw one arm around his neck as he entered her in one swift motion, pushing in deep as her body enveloped him in its warmth. He paused a moment, rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed tight at the sensation, the feeling of rightness. It'd been a while since he'd had that feeling. Two years.

He opened his eyes and their gazes locked. 

Using the wall to help support her, he began to move, and it was nearly overwhelming, but he remained in control. No words between them, he saw everything in her eyes, the way they’d been communicating for weeks now, and he could see she was already close. 

His hand cupped her bottom, bringing her up against him as he flexed his hips, purposefully, stroking in and out of her, finding that right amount of pressure, that right spot that had her crying out, making her inner muscles tighten around him. 

Joel lost himself then, drove into her with a hungry desperation. Birdy clung to him, both arms now wrapped around his neck, her hips lifting to meet each thrust as he fucked her, taking her with uneven and erratic thrusts. 

She placed kisses on his neck, along his jaw, a few nips here and there. He lowered his hand between them until his thumb pressed against her sensitive bud as they moved. Over and over until finally, she curled into his chest as another climax overcame her. This one taking him with her. Joel lowered his head alongside hers, letting out a hoarse curse as his own climax hit.

Joel remained holding Birdy against the wall while his body settled. Then gently, he lowered her to the ground. It wasn’t until he slipped out of her and felt her shiver that he remembered while he was still mostly in his clothes, she was in nothing but that satin dress that provided no warmth. And now they were further away from the fire than she’d been when he’d found her.

“You need to get closer to the fire,” he said as he pulled up his pants. He walked over to where the blanket was on the floor, buckling his belt as he went. He picked up the blanket and stood by the couch. “C’mon, sit down now,” he instructed.

The dress made a swishing sound as Birdy walked over and Joel ignored how sexy and feminine she looked in it as she settled down onto the couch. Joel quickly wrapped the blanket around her, tucked it into her sides. He felt her eyes on him the entire time but wouldn’t meet them. Worried, that if he did, he might not be able to walk away. He’d no doubt be tempted to have her again.

He knew now that his feelings for her hadn’t faded, not one bit, but there was still the fact that he hadn’t forgiven her. There was still something holding him back.

“I’m gonna fetch some more wood and check on the horses,” he said casually as if they hadn’t just had incredible sex against the wall. He continued avoiding looking at her, so he couldn’t know for sure what she might be feeling, and that made him feel even more of a jerk.

But that didn’t stop him from leaving her.

***

Rays of sunshine woke you, along with sounds of voices from someplace not too far away. Your eyes fluttered open, and a figure came into focus. 

Sitting in one of the chairs in front of the fireplace, facing you, was Ellie.

“Ellie?” you said, not quite sure if you were confusing things. 

You’d woken several times in the middle of the night, always to find Joel not there. You started to wonder if you’d dreamt it all, but the pleasant soreness between your thighs told you otherwise. You cried more for Eugene’s loss until finally, you found your sleep. 

Now your eyes were slightly swollen from crying, and you blinked rapidly to try and get them to focus.

Ellie sat there watching you, her arms crossed over her chest. “That dress is ridiculous,” she said with no humor.

You looked down at the pink fabric, and all you could think was, no shit. A smile came unbidden to your lips, and you shook your head slightly, imagining just how ridiculous you must look. But when you thought about what it must have looked like with Joel pinning you against the wall, heat flared in your cheeks.

Your embarrassed expression caught Ellie off guard, and her face softened, allowing you to catch a glimpse of the girl you’d lost. 

But just as quickly as it was there, it was gone as she looked past you.

A throat cleared behind you, and you turned to see Joel standing there, looking between the two of you.

No, it hadn’t been a dream.

“We’ll be headin out shortly,” he announced, his voice sounding rough, then he looked at you. “You might wanna change.” 

Then he turned and left. You weren't sure what to make of any of it and you didn't want to think about Joel regretting what had happened.

Ellie stood up from her chair. You watched her as she moved to the other chair, picked up your pile of clothes that had been gathered, and brought them to the couch beside you. 

“Thanks,” you said simply.

“Sure,” she replied. 

Then she left, following after Joel and leaving you alone.

You threw your head back against the couch and took a deep breath. You may have expected yourself to cry, but the tears didn’t come. You should have felt disheartened, but rather you felt hope.

Last night hadn’t been a dream. Joel had shown you how much he still cared even if he was still conflicted and now Ellie was here showing you that she still cared too.

All was not lost.

You allowed yourself a small smile, held that bit of hope close, and maybe you were reaching, but you’d like to think Eugene was looking down after you, so you silently thanked him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope the start of your year is going well.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
